Cows Get Hot Beef Injection

Brazilian police arrested a man under suspicion of having raped some 400 cows, which he later killed after sex.

Getulino Ferreira Paraizo, 53, was arrested after a cattleman from Aragoinania, in the heart of Brazil, caught him in the act of allegedly slaying three cows and a calf on his property.

In a statement to the police, Paraizo acknowledged that he was responsible for these crimes and explained that he was sexually abused at 13 by a horse, which led him to have intimate relations with mares and horses, and later with bovines.

Police chief Alvaro Cassio dos Santos said that the suspect manifested having tried consorting with a prostitute during his adolesence, but found it "udderly frustrating" .

The usual suspects for the crime were Satanists performing sacrifices as part of black magic rituals, just so cliched as Satanists are all just posers .

The 400 slain cattle were sold to McDonald's so don't be surprised if you are asked, "would you like therapy with that?"

Saving The Savage Beast

Rio De Janeiro, Brazil One of Brazil's last un-contacted Indian tribes has been spotted in the far western Amazon jungle near the Peruvian border.

The Indians were sighted during a fly over on the Ethno-Environmental Protected Area along the Envira River.

They saw 6 huts and a planted area and men from the tribe pointed arrows towards the small plane as it snapped some photographs of them. It is not known to which tribe they belong to.

Survival International said the Indians are in danger from illegal logging in Peru, which is driving tribes over the border and could lead to conflict with the estimated 500 un-contacted Indians now living on the Brazilian side.

There are more than 100 un-contacted tribes worldwide, most of them in Brazil and Peru, the group said in a statement.

Joseph Reid of 'Mission International' said: " These Indians are not just in danger from illegal logging but also from Satan. We must bring them news of the lord along with clothing to cover their sin and a Christian code of morality before anyone else gets to them ."

The National Indian Foundation of Brazil do not make contact during fly-bys they did however drop magazines containing the latest news about Shakira and Britney Spears as even the un-contacted tribes have a right to know.

One Of Our Priests Is Missing

Sao Paulo, Brazil Searchers scanned the waters off Brazil's southern Atlantic coast for a Roman Catholic priest who disappeared after floating into the sky under hundreds of helium party balloons as they are prone to do.

Rescuers in helicopters and small fishing boats spent a second day seeking signs of the Rev. Adelir Antonio de Carli . He lifted off from the port city of Paranagua, wearing a helmet, thermal suit and a parachute. All that equipment, what ever happened to faith?

After eight hours authorities later saw pieces of balloons floating in the sea off the coast of Santa Catarina state close to where Carli last made contact. It is unclear how this will effect the local wildlife who can be harmed by swallowing deflated balloons.

"We have no reason at this point to believe he is not still alive. He may be floating in the ocean, on some isolated beach or on land somewhere or even beamed aboard a spaceship," said Paulo Eduardo Neves, a commander of one of the fire departments supposed to be searching for Carli.

The priest was trying to break a 19-hour record for the most hours flying with balloons and to force a rapture from God also to fund a spiritual rest stop for truckers in Paranagua, home to Brazil's largest grain port.

Brazilian truckers often spend days waiting to unload in the port, especially during the busy soy export season now under way and a place where they can meet young boys and prostitutes and get all down and spiritual which might be nice for them and lucrative for the church.

Parishioners were maintaining a vigil for Carli, confident that he would be found.

A video of Carli posted on Globo TV's G1 Web site showed the smiling 41-year-old priest slipping into a flight suit and being strapped to a seat attached to a huge cluster of green, red, white and yellow balloons. He then soared into the air to cheers from a crowd.

The priest at one point soared to an altitude of 20,000 feet (6,000 meters). He planned to fly to the city of Dourados, 465 miles (750 kilometers) northwest of his parish, but was blown in another direction. He was located about 30 miles (50 kilometers) off the coast when he last contacted Paranagua's port authority. God it seems had other plans.

Carli reportedly had a GPS device, a satellite phone, a buoyant chair and is an experienced skydiver as most priests are .

Seas were calm in the area where Carli disappeared, and the ocean's temperature was a mild 20 degrees Celsius (68 degrees Fahrenheit), rescue leader Neves said.

"Depending on his physical fitness and how badly, if at all, he was injured, he could probably survive in the water for at least five days, maybe a bit more," Neves said unrealistically and optimistically.

Christmas Tragedy In Brazil

Rio De Janeiro , Brazil . A helicopter carrying Santa to a children's party was mistaken for a police helicopter by drug traffickers in one of Rio's slums. They opened fire on the helicopter shooting it down.

Santa was flying to a party in the Nova Mare slum and was shot down as it flew over the neighbouring Vila Joao shantytown.

One of the elves who came down from the North pole to identify the body went to Nova Mare by car to distribute Christmas presents.

Santa started using a helicopter as Vixen, Comet and Donner died from Foot and mouth disease earlier this year.

Most of Rio's 700 plus slums are controlled by drug traffickers and are not patrolled by the police, who instead go into the slums in military-style raids, often using helicopters and armored vehicles.

Alabaster Snowball the Administrator of the Naughty & Nice list said, " Killing Santa? that really cobs my corn, those naughty little boys will not be getting their special Christmas shipment this year.

I just want to assure children all over the world that you will get your presents as the April Fool has kindly volunteered to stand in this year but as we'll be under more pressure than usual and so the 'nice' criteria will be a little more strict so expect more lumps of coal being handed out and try to be better behaved for next year."