Scientists Experiment With Lemurs

British scientists are experimenting with Lemurs to determine the effects of head wounds on infantry soldiers.

The Lemurs are strapped to tables, with their heads in a vise, then they are shot with an assault rifle.

The effects are immediately noticeable.

Without their heads, the Lemurs become dis- oriented and lethargic, they have trouble breathing, and no longer function fully as Lemurs.

The scientists speculate that head-wounded soldiers experience similar discomfort.

The Lemurs are kept in cages for 36 hours for observation.

They lose their appetites and often become depressed,which are symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome .

It is hoped that this kind of testing will advance the development of better headgear for troops on the front lines.

Animal rights groups have denounced the testing as "Barbaric" and say they shall campaign for its end.

Brigadier General Underhill commented: " The Lemurs would do worse to our troops given half the chance, no hippy tree hugger will tell the British army what to do, we'll whip the blighters. "

Due to Global warming Lemur evolution has advanced rapidly in the past 30 years. They have doubled in size and are said to have twice the intelligence of a very smart Dolphin or law student.

The most disturbing aspect of lemur growth has been their taste for human blood which has resulted in 48 deaths in Madagascar from 2006 to 2007 though numbers are thought to be higher.

Scientists employed by Hitler experimented by injecting Lemur genes into unborn babies. Rumours of a Human/Lemur hybrid colony in South America still surface now and again.

Celebrity Brutally Slain By Lemurs

Dave Kerbin host of Discovery channels "World of deadly creatures" has died at the claws of the animal he was filming in South east Asia.
Colugos are known colloquially as flying lemurs though they glide rather fly and are our closet relative after apes and monkeys.

There has been talk for years about the Colugos snatching babies and young children from nearby villages and feeding on them high in the trees and Kerbin wanted to debunk that.

Sam Willard, Kerbin's cameraman said: "Dave just got too close to the troop and before we new it four of them were beating on him and dragged him kicking and screaming up their tree it was terrible."


" He screamed for about a minute before they finished him off I was able to get the whole thing on film, we'll really miss dave but most of all the animals will, they have lost a champion today."

Doctor Harry Chapman an expert in Lemurs and Colugos said: " In my paper 'man against beast' I had stated that Lemurs were the second most vicious creature in the animal kingdom, second only to Pandas especially The great white Panda, and they were the most underestimated. I was not consulted for the making of this program, if I was perhaps Kerbin would still be alive today."

Dave Kerbin leaves behind 3 cats and a small goat farm.