Sunday, September 28, 2008

No News Is Bad News

Due to the crashing US economy there has been a worldwide shortage of news. President Bush has asked Congress to give him $800 billion dollars and superpowers to fix the problem.

The ones who are expected to be the hardest hit but the lack of news are the elderly and as winter approaches many might die unless something is done fast.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Deity Road Deaths At An All Time High

A pedestrian was struck by a vehicle on Interstate 105 in South LA, North America, and dragged for nearly a mile before being hit by several other cars.

All Eastbound lanes were closed for more than four hours to inconvenience motorists and so that police could snap pictures for their blog.

Patrick Kimball of the Highway Patrol said the victim was walking on the free-way in the dark which is not usually a good idea.

The body carried identification that showed the man was a 67 year-old who went by the single name of Allah.

Officer Kimball was unsure what effect this would have on the war of terror.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Five Year - Old Swallows Balls

Chris Morrison had been taking five-year-old black Labrador Oscar round the Pitreavie golf course in Dunfermline, Scotland for several months.

He took Oscar to the vet after noticing a rattling sound coming from his pet's stomach.

They then discovered that 13 golf balls were lodged in his stomach.

Mr Morrison, said one of the balls had been in his stomach so long that it had turned black and was decomposing.

He said: "He finds golf balls like truffles. We're not sure how long exactly this happened over, but it must have been a fair period several months at least. I felt his stomach and heard them rattling around. He normally brings a few home, but I had no idea he had eaten so many."

Also found in Oscar's stomach was a human hand, a car license plate and a WWII bomber that went missing during a training flight.

Oscar is now on the road to making a full recovery on a special diet of watered-down food and tennis balls.

Bob Hesketh, 40, principal vet at Vetrica in Rosyth, said he had never seen anything like it. "It was like a magic trick.

I opened him up and felt what I thought was two or three golf balls.But they just kept coming until we had a bag full.Labs are known for a fondness for balls but usually you have to entice them by smearing peanut butter unto them."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Teen Beauty Gets A Big Head

Corinne Coyle, 19, has vowed never to touch alcohol again after an exotic holiday cocktail containing a 'secret ingredient' caused her head to swell to abnormal proportions.

She was rushed to hospital in Crete's popular party resort of Malia after just a few sips.

The cocktail, bought in a Greek bar for 10 euros (£7.80), and served in a bowl, is said to contain a mixture of Baileys, chilli powder, tequila, absinthe, dog turds, ouzo, vodka, cider and gin, plus a 'secret ingredient' known as sauce of sun yung gi .

Corinne is safely back home after her ordeal but her facial features have still not returned to normal.

Her mum Fiona Roth, 43, of Astonbury Green, Easterside, explained how one drink turned her daughter's dream holiday into a nightmare.

She said: 'She drank about a third of it then her friend said 'have you seen your head?' Then Corinne said 'I know, I have brain-freeze'.

Soon after drinking the cocktail, Corinne's forehead had doubled in size she couldn't see out of her right eye because of the swelling. It was the first bar they had been to that night as they had planned a drunken pub crawl that would end in a bag of chips and unprotected sex with a stranger. Within 20 minutes of drinking it that was the reaction she got.

Corinne, an administrator in media and arts at the University of Teesside now gets mistaken for her mother who has not drank the cocktail.