Monday, December 31, 2007

Anthrax Camel Kills Eight

In a good deed gone wrong eight Afghans who ate an infected camel as part of a religious celebration died of what health experts suspect is a rare case of naturally occurring anthrax.

As well as the eight who died, ten others fell sick.
Two men who owned the camel in a remote area along the border with Iran tried to sell a sick camel but nobody bought it strangely enough, according to Ghulam Dastagir Azad, the governor of Nimroz province.
So the men killed the wretched animal and generously distributed the meat to needy families, as is the custom during the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha.

Dr. Abdullah Fahiman adviser to Afghanistan's health minister said, "Maybe we should change the custom to eating only healthy animals" and was promptly stoned by an angry mob.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

What Do You Do On Your Day Off ?

Twelve Catholic priests have swapped their altar boys and flagellating to be pictured for a calendar designed to recruit young men to the priesthood. Activities, include reading celebrity magazines, watching baseball and DIY, riveting stuff, everything a young man wants?

Each featured priest also talks about what inspired them to join the church and say what they believe they would be doing if they were not a priest.

October priest Father Matthew Hardon, of St Rustin's in Bakefield, says his childhood dream was to be an astronaut and hopes someday to take a group of young boys to Huntsville, Alabama for a 13 day course at Space camp.

Father Simon Lodgecomplaint , of Middolten Grange, Yukley,had the idea for the calendar and reveals in November: "If I weren't a priest I'd be up to no good. Or at least more than I am already!" Which may be a reference to the pedophile and money extortion charges he has been accused of .

Father January is Pat Balls, of Christ the King up the Rimley, who is pictured dressed in a New York Yankees baseball top and cap and wearing a baseball mitt to represent his American nationality. Being American is his top hobby.

Father Balls takes services while wearing a ten gallon cowboy hat and likes to comment on how small everything in the UK is.
Father Eaminn Hogwarty, of the Sacred Heart in Nowden, West Barkshire, is shown coaching a boy's running team known as the Sacred short shorts in February, while March's, Father Neal Boyne, of St Jabob's in Horrowgit, is seen indulging in a copy of celebrity gossip magazine, Heat as he likes the dresses, Vera Wang in his opinion is on equal footing with the Virgin Mary.

Father Boyne is also the prison chaplain at HMP Bealstun, near Wetherup and an avid pole-dancer which he does as an exercise in his own home. He has given in-mates pointers and they have formed their own club that he looks in on every Monday.

Bishop of *Reallytouchyaboutpedosforsomereason*, the Right Reverend Arnold Cockroche, who is featured in 'May' playing a round with the boys on a golf course hopes the calendar will help young men see the human side of the priesthood and not just the perverted child fondling side.

He goes on to say "They come from ordinary families and they have dreams and aspirations as does every young man . They also have worries and concerns. But despite this they offer themselves generously for service in the church forgoing any urges or chances of fun they may normally have ."

Father Darling of West Sussex is shown on the calendar for July dressed in drag and cage fighting, "What young man wouldn't want a life in the priest hood?" he asks as they cut his eye open so he can see. "If I wasn't doing this I'd probably be an arms dealer.

The calendar is on sale at every Catholic church in West Barkshire, priced £4.99. and the proceeds go towards the Middolten Grange Catholic Retreat Centre in Yukley, which provides day and residential retreats for young people where they can relax and interact with members of the priesthood in a safe and secret environment.

Showing the human side of the priesthood it is thought to be a way of undoing the program that Pope John Paul II started and that became his legacy "Every Priest A Pedo Program" that has been criticized by child protection and family groups everywhere and cost the church millions of dollars in lawsuits .

The current Pope Herr Benedict XVI has countered the program with one of his own "No child tight behind" which gives the message that if any priest is caught inferring with a child they shall be excommunicated with extreme prejudice, he refers to it as the "Final solution."

*Names changed to protect the alleged innocent *

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Large Object Experts Baffled By Large Object

Large object experts are trying to identify a huge metal container that has been washed up on a beach in the Western Isles of Scotland.

The tank, which is 27m high, has no markings and is thought to have fallen from a ship before being washed up west of Benbecula.

Thomas McIntyre discovered it as he walked his dog on Poll Na Crann beach - known locally as Stinky Bay.

"I thought the Martians had landed" said McIntyre, " I was ready to set my dog on them."

The beach was made famous 40 years ago when 102 cases of Whiskey were washed up from the SS Galore when it was wrecked during a storm .

Alasdair MacEachen, assistant director of environmental services at Comhairle nan Eilean Siar told OBB News, " The tank appears empty but glows in the dark, I would advise on lookers to observe at a safe distance as close proximity to the tank may cause drowsiness, vomiting and loss of spine that melts and pours out your anus. Apart from that its totally safe."

Stornoway Coastguard who is down to three staffers due to illness are using two numbers on the container to try to find out where the item has come from. They believe it may be of Sassenach (English) origin and therefore not to be trusted.
The large object was found to be a beer fermentation tank manufactured by German firm, Ziemann, no tanks have been reported missing. Stornoway Coastguard fear this is the start of an invasion by the Germans, who maybe testing their defenses.

A One On One With Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I had the honour to interview the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I tried to get to the heart of the issues but as usually he was very cagey. A charming intelligent man at times with a broad smile his charisma got him elected with 62% of the vote. If you want to visit his Blog then go here:Mahmoud Ahamadinejad memos

OLD KNUDSEN: Sir,you have 3,000 centrifuges in a line producing highly-enriched uranium in secret for more than 15 years.

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: Our plan and program is very transparent. We are under the supervision of the agency. Everything is on the table. We have nothing to hide. Who is saying that?

OLD KNUDSEN: Well, Twenty Major, Bock the Robber and even Primal Sneeze . All the Irish Bloggers . It is not transparent, sir.

AHMADINEJAD: Very good. I think that you are not familiar with the structure and the laws and the regulations . The supervisors are supposed to supervise and ask questions and we respond. You will read that there are no signs of diversion on the part of the Iranian people. But the U.S. and a number of other countries are politicizing matters. They don't want us to progress, to develop.Our activities are very peaceful and under the supervision these Irish Bloggers are agents of deceit I will not vote for them in the next Irish Blog awards.

OLD KNUDSEN: For the sake of clarity, because there is so much concern in the world about this next question, please give me the most direct answer you can. Is it your goal to build a nuclear bomb?

AHMADINEJAD: Nuclear bombs were invented by Jews, if I say I don't want to build one then I'm anti-Semitic if I say I want one then I'm a threat, its a catch 22 situation.

OLD KNUDSEN: At the moment, the US and Iran may very well be walking down the road to war. How do you convince President Bush, how do you convince other nations in the West . . . .

AHMADINEJAD: war? I heard nothing of this. Who says that?

OLD KNUDSEN: France said that war might be indicated. How do you convince these Western powers that you are not pursuing a bomb?

AHMADEINEJAD: I haven't read the latest news, though I try to read you whenever I can right after I read Kate Isis' Blog. I have to say. It's wrong to think that Iran and the U.S. are walking towards war. Why should we go to war? And who is afraid of France? We have a logic which we have announced for some time now. We very much oppose the behavior of the U.S. administration. We think it's wrong. And we are saying what we feel, and you are free to say what you feel. And people have a right to choose. Why should we go to war over that? If having said that is a part of a psychological warfare plot. The American people are well familiar with these plots but are too stupid, fat and lazy to react. You shouldn't make the American people afraid needlessly. There's no war in the offing. And also I think that certain American officials do not want friendly relations between the two countries and the citizens of the two countries to visit each other. Last year we requested for a direct flight between the two countries because we want to promote trade, promote cultural activities, and also people-to-people contact. But the American government opposed that. Sure we may imprison the odd Iranian who lives in America and is visiting their old mother but that is just to promote cultural activities.

OLD KNUDSEN: What trait do you admire in President Bush?

AHMADINEJAD: I think that President Bush needs to correct his ways.

OLD KNUDSEN: What do you admire about him?

AHMADEINEJAD: He should respect the American people. Tell me what trait do you admire?

OLD KNUDSEN : Well, Mr. Bush is, a very religious man, as you are. Hes tall and likes small dogs.

AHMADEINEJAD: Is Mr. Bush a religious man?

OLD KNUDSEN: Very much so. As you are.

AHMADEINEJAD: What religion, please tell me, tells you as a follower of that religion to occupy another country and kill its people? Please tell me. Does Christianity tell its followers to do that? Judaism, for that matter? Islam, for that matter? What prophet tells you to send 160,000 troops to another country, kill men, women, and children?

OLD KNUDSEN:So Islam has never invaded countries and killed women and children? and did your prophet not kill and rape and took a 9 year-old bride? and even now do you not stone women and hang homosexuals ?

AHMADEINEJAD:That's different, we have God on our side and we don't get fags in Iran. I think that President Bush can behave much better. There were golden opportunities for President Bush. He should have used them better.

OLD KNUDSEN: I asked President Bush what he would say to you if he were sitting in this chair. And he told me, quote, speaking to you, that you've made terrible choices for your people. You've isolated your nation and you're fugly . What's your reply to the president?

AHMADINEJAD: Well, President Bush is free to think as he pleases and to say what he pleases. I don't oppose the freedom of speech. I believe in freedom of speech as long as it agrees with me. President Bush is free to say what he pleases even though he makes up words. The only thing I would say to the windshield cowboy would be "bite me."

OLD KNUDSEN: Why does your government confiscate your people's satellite dishes? What is it that you don't want your people to see?

AHMADEINEJAD: Well, it's not prohibited like that. This is a law passed by the Iranian parliament. Having said that, the Iranian people are, by and large, using satellite television. I do not want reality shows, Desperate House wives and Oprah to infect my country.

OLD KNUDSEN: Good point confiscate away sir.

OLD KNUDSEN: How did you become a student activist?

AHMADINEJAD: We were witnessing that others would make decisions about our affairs. The interests of our country were under the domination of the foreigners.

OLD KNUDSEN: Some of the former hostages of the American embassy said they remembered you . What's the truth of that?

AHMADINEJAD: When the embassy was occupied by the students, I didn't have a beard. The photo that people say was me had a very long beard. That man was 15 years older than I was and I was in bed at the time my mother can testify to that as she was also there.

OLD KNUDSEN:You were not involved at the embassy?

AHMADINEJAD: I was not there at that day I was off sick , just because we all look the same to you.

OLD KNUDSEN:Was your letter to the American people a public relations exercise to improve your image, or do you really want a dialogue with the United States and start talking with the American government about these issues.

AHMADINEJAD: We separate the account of the American people and the America government. Which is why when we say death to America we only mean the be-heading of the government of the United States. I sent a letter to Mr. Bush. I really wanted him to revise his behaviour. But apparently it didn't have any effect, he photocopied his behind and sent it back to me.

OLD KNUDSEN: In your letter to Americans, you said America is becoming weaker. Is Iran's influence rising in the world?

AHMADINEJAD: Our outlook toward the world affairs is not balance of power, but a humanitarian one. We are not seeking influence or domination. We respect all peoples and all nations. We think we can live in an atmosphere of friendship and brotherhood with all. There is no need for domination or influence. Of course, from the cultural point of view, we defend certain values and principles. Human values, dignity of the people, the fundamental and basic rights of the people, and peace and brotherhood, we love everyone, except the Jews who should be wiped off the face of the earth.

OLD KNUDSEN: You've just held a conference on the Holocaust for which you are being criticized. Whats that about?
AHMADINEJAD: I raised two questions. I said if the Holocaust is a real case, why don't they allow research about it. And the second question was, let's assume that this event actually took place in the past, where did it happen? What is it's connection with the Palestinian people? These are essential questions. Of course we know the Zionists are severely against these types of questions. They become angry. Because for the past 60 years they are killing, and threatening the people of the region. They are continuing their aggression. They established a state for themselves.

OLD KNUDSEN: Did you not see Schindler's List? there has been plenty of research done on it and go visit the death camps, sure I don't don't why they weren't given Germany instead of Israel but suck it up lad its done, besides the Palestinians fire rockets into Israel everyday.

AHMADINEJAD: Everyone knows that the Zionist regime of Israel is a tool in the hands of the United States and British governments.
OLD KNUDSEN: Israel is sometimes the dog that wags the tail I think.

OLD KNUDSEN: There was a peace process that the elected leadership of the Palestinians was negotiating with the leadership of Israel. But Iran opposed it and Iran supported groups like Hamas and Hezbollah and the process failed. Wouldn't it have been better to support the peace process?

AHMADINEJAD: Isn't Hamas elected by the Palestinian people?

OLD KNUDSEN: So you are saying that the Palestinian people are too stupid to be trusted with voting non-terrorists into power.

AHMADINEJAD: Did I say that? if I did then it must be true.

OLD KNUDSEN: Why did you capture British service people earlier this year, was it to show you had power?

AHMADINEJAD: My soldiers mis-took one of them as the American actor Giovani Ribissi, I'm a big fan and they were just trying to cheer me up, an honest mistake.

easy mistake to make I suppose.

OLD KNUDSEN: Some Iranians say you have a divine presidency.

AHMADINEJAD: Do you not believe in God? What do you think the Almighty God is doing? I speak to God daily which is how I know what to do.

OLD KNUDSEN: It has been said that you look like you were born as an alcohol fetal syndrome baby.

AHMADINEJAD: I have no response to that, but I do have an in-grown toe nail.

OLD KNUDSEN: Do you think that people are basically good or evil?

AHMADINEJAD:Even Bush didn’t wake up going, ‘let me do the most evil thing I can do today’, I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good’. Stuff like that just needs reprogramming.
I wake up every day full of hope, positive that every day is going to be better than yesterday. And I’m looking to infect people with my positivity. I think I can start an epidemic maybe radiation poisoning or that new strain of Ebola who knows?

OLD KNUDSEN: We don't hear too much about your wife how did you meet her?

AHMADINEJAD: I saw a creature, naked, bestial, Who, squatting upon the ground, Held her heart in her hands, And ate of it.

OLD KNUDSEN: Thankyou for your time sir you have been most gracious.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Three More Star Wars Movies Planned

It has been announced by Lucas film that High School Musical star Zac Efron is to play Luke Skywalker in the remake of the first three Star Wars movies. Nathan Fillion from the Firefly TV series is to portray Hans Solo.

The rest of the cast is not known yet though there has been rumours that Sir Ian McKellen is to make a brief appearance as Obi-Wan Kenobi. The movies are to be directed by John Patrick Shanley with George Lucas as a Producer.

Lucas said at the press conference: " These movies will be bigger and more exciting and up to date than the old ones, twice as many special effects and lots of surprises that will create questions and answer old ones ."
Yet again Star Wars rivals Star Trek as the original series of Star Trek is being re-vamped as a feature film.

Dead Man Posting

A man from Oregon USA sent out 34 Christmas cards to his friends, the only thing is that he died in October of this year.

88 year old Chet Fitch who was known for his sense of humour and a rabbit shaped birthmark on his left buttock sent hand written Christmas cards with the return address of "Heaven."

The greeting read: "I asked Big Guy if I could sneak back and send some cards. At first he said no; but at my insistence he finally said, 'Oh well, what the heaven, go ahead but don't (tarry) there.' Wish I could tell you about things here but words cannot explain.

"Better get back as Big Guy said he stretched a point to let me in the first time, so I had better not press my luck. I'll probably be seeing you (some sooner than you think). Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Chet Fitch"

Debbie Hansen Bernard a friend of 25 years said, "All I could think was, 'You little stinker.'"
"It was amazing," she said. "Just so Chet, always wanting to get the last laugh."

Debbie went to Fitch's grave to get her own back and had Fitch's body secretly dug up and turned into wind chimes and a bird feeder in her garden. " Chet always used to complain about the birds pooping on his car now I got the last laugh."

The mailing joke was worked on for two decades with his barber, Patty Dean, 57.
She told OBB News this week that he kept updating the mailing list and giving her extra money when postal rates went up which seemed like every month . This fall, she said, Fitch looked up to her from the chair.

"You must be getting tired of waiting to mail those cards," he told her. "I think you'll probably be able to mail them this year."

He then went around his friends borrowing money, he died a week later, happily they managed to save the baby.

Dean is a bit of a joker herself and had been giving Fitch bad haircuts for the last 20 years on purpose, she is also still claiming Fitch's army pension as a joke too.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

On This Day In History Famous Last Words

Fred O'Malley to his wife on 27th December 1932, upon buying a revolver: "Don't be stupid woman I do know how to handle a gun."

Deadly Tiger Attack At Zoo

Investigators are trying to figure out how a tiger escaped from its enclosure at San Francisco Zoo and attacked three visitors, killing one. The two survivors have been upgraded to stable a condition and are glad of the attention as they were walking around a lonely old zoo at Christmas time.

Police shot dead the 300lb creature, named Tatiana, which mauled a keeper just before Christmas last year, her was arm severely lacerated when Tatiana reached through the bars of her cage and mauled her during a public feeding.

The enclosure is surrounded by a 15ft wide moat and a wall just under 12.5ft high . The zoo's director of animal care and conservation, Robert Jenkins was said to have been baffled as to how the Siberian tiger got out at around closing time on Christmas Day until Dr Bronderslev a top veterinarian pointed out that Siberian tigers can swim and climb.

Dr Bronderslev has suggested that Tatiana suffered from a Christmas Phobia Syndrome that has you anxious and climbing the walls at this time of year.

Three men , one of them 19 years old and the other two in their early 20's were attacked, suffering "pretty aggressive bite marks", zoo spokesman Steve Mannina told OBB News .

"Usually" he added "Tigers don't bite aggressively, maybe he thought they were playing and it got out of hand." Old Knudsen was said to have sighed and rolled his eyes.

The dead victim was found right outside the tiger's enclosure, the other two were at the zoo's cafe, one inside and one just outside it.

Police Officers fired at the animal with .40 calibre handguns when it began to advance towards them.

San Francisco is home to Siberian and Sumatran tigers, and a large gay community though I'm sure the three victims are straight and no foot tapping was involved.

Old Knudsen Tiger Fighter/Expert said earlier: " Its not right to cage up wild animals, you can't blame the tiger one bit, I'd do the same."

Hollwood Pinup Has Died

Here in a scene from the movie "From here to Abernathy."

Jeanne Carmen, a 1950s pinup and 'B' movie actress who had affairs with Sinatra and other celebrities. Has died aged 77.

She starred in movies such as "Guns Don't Argue" and "The Monster of piedras Blancas" and was also known for her provocative pinup photos.

Born on August 4th, 1930, in Paragould, Arkansas , Carmen picked cotton with her family before running away at 13 to New York where she became a dancer in a Broadway show called "Burlesque."

She later went into modeling, gaining a measure of success with a series of cheesecake and carrot cake shots in men's magazines.

Carmen died of lymphoma Thursday at her Orange County home, California, happily they managed to save the baby.

Lollipop Lady Returns From The Dead

A Lollipop woman Mrs June McCombie aged 60 of Aberdeen was treated in hospital after suffering a heart attack. Rumours that she had passed away quickly circulated.

No one knows how the rumours started but people actually believed she had died and many children at the school where she worked as a crossing guard were very upset.

So she went to the school when she got out of hospital and surprised them all. Mrs McCombie said: "My life revolves around the children and I hope to go back to work in January."

Tragedy struck as Mrs McCombie left the school and was hit by a car as she crossed the road, she was announced dead upon arrival at the local hospital.

The children at Walker Road Primary school, in Torry will not be told of her passing as a second time may be too much for them. Mr Edwards the headmaster will spread the rumour of an early retirement to keep them happy.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

OBB News Wins Award

Those kind folks at Colombia University have bestowed one of the greatest single most prestigious honours upon my humble self, a poor but brilliant hack. I have been awarded the Palitzer Prize for 2007.

The official citation reads as:

"For his courageous and persistent reporting that has disclosed atrocities and other human rights struggles dealing with crime and terrorism and fighting for justice and truth in order to make democracy work even in the darkest most unjust corners of the world."

I accept this award on behalf of those I have written about because if it wasn't for them I couldn't of had the $10,000 prize money deposited into my account. Sure its only weak dollars but its the thought and the validation of my superiority that counts. Thank you little people who I have stepped on along the way, it was indeed a team effort.
The little people I want to thank are Napoleon, Hitler, Tom Cruise, Alexander the Great and Dog the bounty hunter.

Most of all I want to thank you the reader who constantly stumble upon my Blog searching for news stories. I hope my interpretation was better. Only the best and the brightest can handle OBB News.

Japan Prepared For Godzilla Threat

A Japanese government official has pledged to mobilise the armed forces if Godzilla goes on the rampage again.

The remark was made by Defence Minister Shigeru Ishiba following a week of debate among Japanese politicians about the existence of flying saucers.

"There are debates over what makes UFOs fly, but it would be difficult to say it's an encroachment of air space," said Mr Ishiba.
He told a news conference: "If Godzilla were to show up, we would fight it for our very existence."

"Personally, I definitely believe they exist," said Chief Cabinet Secretary Nobutaka Machimura, drawing laughter from reporters. " I have actually been contacted by creatures I call 'the shimmer people' whom I help with their alien/human hybrid program by donating DNA." That was all he had to say on that subject.

Godzilla is a Japanese monster who has become one of the world's most recognised giant destructive creatures, it lives in the depths of the ocean, its thirty stories high, breathing fire, his head in the sky, first seen in a 1954 documentary it has had 28 films made about it to date. In 1998 the creature attacked New York City .

The American attack was thought to have been in revenge for an American warship killing Godzilla's off-spring Godzuki. The body of Godzuki is currently on display at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History, samples have already been taken from it with the hope to create a virus that will be able to destroy Godzilla .

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

On This Day In History Famous Last Words

Sir Anthony Cheswick while on Safari in Africa 25th December 1886, "Baboons always attack the weakest party in an altercation."

The Scottish Are Wild About Beaver

Plans are under way for 15 to 20 beavers from Norway to be released into the Scottish wild for the first time in 500 years.
Beavers were hunted to extinction in Scotland in the 16th Century by English lords who found Scottish beaver to be far better than English beaver.

The Scottish Wildlife Trust and the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland believe the animals will improve the eco-system and boost tourism.

The Scottish Wildlife Trust and the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland believe the animals will improve the eco-system and boost tourism. They have been successfully reintroduced in parts of Germany and the Netherlands, Amsterdam is said to be full of beaver .

The first beavers could be reintroduced to Argyll in spring 2009.

John Morris of "Free the beaver" said: "Our bodies are not sinful and therefore should not be covered up by law and fear of imprisonment, even the most homely of Scottish women should be allowed to release their beavers."

Syd McGowan a local farmer said: " they will never take the place of a nice warm sheep, mark my words they'll be a dam nuisance. "

Old Knudsen a beaver expert said earlier: " I like beaver, the taste, the smell and the way its runs about picking up shiny objects. I am full hope hope that soon muff will also be reintroduced around our coast line as muff diving was an important part of life in the local fishing communities."

Monday, December 24, 2007

Santas Gone Wild

A gang of about 50 drunken Santas invaded a New Zealand cinema complex frightening customers, damaging property and swearing. The rampaging Santas were thought to be university students.

Manager Derek Rive said: "As they ran through the complex they wrecked everything they could including the Christmas tree - they bowled everything over. They were just absolute fools, not a bit jolly ."

He said the "hooligans" abused patrons, chanted obscenities, ripped down posters and knocked over cardboard figures advertising films.

Cinema goer Kate Gorman, aged 35 was there to see the movie "Enchanted" with her two children Gabriella, six, and Jackson, seven.
The confused children asked her," Have Santa's helpers gone crazy?" she answered them, "No, they are just idiots and Santa doesn't exist how many times do I have to tell you?."

As the marauding Santas left they triggered a fire alarm, forcing several hundred patrons to evacuate the complex for half an hour.

Security cameras caught the action and police are looking for 50 men with white beards and red velvet suits police are optimistic. .

Unidentified Object Falls To Earth

Santiago, Chile: Just 12 miles from the city of Santiago a large glowing object crashed to earth.

The object as described by eye witnesses was glowing white and was moving erratically, zig-zagging at speed. The impact was heard in the city 12 miles away and left a crater 110 feet long, top Chilean officials are looking into it.

Once the Haz Mat have deemed the area safe the interior of the crater shall be investigated to see what crashed.

Man Forced To Marry Goat

The # 1 story of 2007 as voted by you, the reader. A Sudanese man named, Mr Tombe, was forced to take a goat for a wife after being caught having sex with it.

The owner of the goat, Mr Alifi, surprised the man with the goat causing him to fall off the back of it. Alifi captured and tied up Tombe and took him to a council of elders.

They said they should not take it to the police as he was using the goat as his wife and ordered Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars (£100) to Mr Alifi.

Alifi felt hurt and betrayed by his favourite goat but took the money. As far as anyone knows Mr Tombe and Trixie the goat are still living happily together as man and goat.

Steve Irwin May Have More To Say

Terri Irwin wife of the late Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin says she is "open" to receiving a message from the spirit of her late husband, when an American psychic medium visits Australia Zoo next month. You can't keep a good man and Steve Irwin was never short of something to say.

International medium John Edward rose to stardom with his television show Crossing Over. He has been a friend of the Irwins for years.

Mrs Irwin aged 43 said she sensed Steve was still with her especially when men try to chat her up and feel as if they have been punched on the back of their head.

Edward will appear in the Sunshine Coast zoo's Crocoseum on January 5 as part of a summer entertainment program.
He can communicate with loved ones who have passed away and has recently found he can also connect with animals. Two things no one can prove otherwise.
Sceptics have been invited to the show so he can fool them with his extra fast talking and guessing at initials and the probing of who has died, an example would be "A message for someone over at this side of the room, I have someone to the side of me which could mean a brother, sister or someone close to you like that, I have a "J" name or it may be "G" or "T" any of that mean anything?" an audience member that it fits raises their hand, "I have my sister June" Edward then evokes some memory from the audience member and then says, "she just wants you to know she is well."

Edward does give peace of mind sometimes if the reading doesn't fit then he says "well that's what I see maybe you've forgotten something" making it look like the audience member is an idiot until they can fit what hes saying rather than going against him on TV.
Old Knudsen the world unfamous psychic said, " I believe John Edward 'is' psychic but I don't believe he is getting messages from the dead. I think he is getting readings off his audience members."

Steve's best friend Wes Mannion has also spoken of a deep connection he still has with Steve. The Irwin family and friends like to think Steve is hanging around the zoo as it gives them peace of mind rather than thinking that Steve himself is at peace.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Bald Is Not So Beautiful

The second top story of 2007 as voted by you, the reader was Britney Spears shaving her head and joining the Mang Oh Siu cult thus losing custody of her children.

The Reverend Snake Redfeather founder of the cult said from his Malibu estate, " Ms Spears and my organisation have since parted ways due to creative differences and we stand by our 'no refund' policy."

It is thought that Britney and her antics was giving the cult a bad name.

Roofing Billionaire Falls To His Death

Ken Hendricks, a roofing company billionaire has died after falling through the garage roof at his home in Wisconsin, USA.
At around 10pm he had just come home and was checking on the construction he was having done when he fell through an opening covered by a tarp.

Hendricks started as a part-time roofer and by the age of 30 had 500 roofers working for him. He was the founder, chairman and CEO of ABC Supply. The roofing company does about $3 billion in business a year. Earlier this year he had announced plans to build a wind turbine tower plant in Keokuk, Iowa, that would hire 350 people.

The Mayor of Keokuk, Dave Gudgel says news of his friend's death is shocking. He says he doesn't know how Hendrick's death will affect the project and if he will still get the cheque that was promised to him as no one will return his calls about it.

The Guinness Book of World Irony want to add Mr Hendricks to its list as a roofer billionaire who falls to his death off his own roof is quite ironic but will wait a week before contacting the family to give his wife Diane and their seven children time to grieve.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Man Has A Bad Case Of The Blues

57 year-old Paul Karason developed a bad case of dermatitis caused by stress and bad diet . The skin on his face would crack and peel off forcing his bakery business to close down after numerous health violation complaints.

To treat his skin he started to use colloidal silver, a product that is reportedly made by extracting silver from metal into water with an electrical current, it is then taken as a drink. Mr Karason's skin only started to discolour when he began to rub it directly onto his face.

The change was so gradual that no one noticed at first and was only mentioned when a friend he hadn't seen in a while asked what had happened?

His girlfriend, 26 year-old Jackie Northup, said, "The only time now I really think about it or notice it is if we're out in public and people start staring." Then added, "He is a very kind man with a big heart, I hope people learn to accept the way he looks."

Even though his skin is blue Mr Karason swears by the treatment.

He has moved from Oregon to California hoping to find acceptance and has started a new life as a blue Kenny Rogers impersonator which has received critical acclaim , " You can't get much more stranger than California, I think I shall be accepted for who I am down here as I look more normal than some ."

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dumbledore Is Outed

The third top story of 2007 as voted by you, the reader was Author J.K. Rowling telling the media that Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwarts was in fact a convicted pedophile who got the position in the school through lies and deceit and had magically castrated himself in an effort to control his own behaviour.
This shocked many readers though some did have their suspicions.

Titanic Stands The Test Of Time

Watchmaker Romain Jerome and the Belfast shipyard Harland and Wolff have used the steel taken from the wreck of the Titanic's hull to make Titanic DNA watches in the UK . Kismet Jewellers in Thame, Oxfordshire is the only firm currently selling them.

It was mixed with steel from the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast where the Titanic which was thought to be unsinkable was built.

The liner, sank in 1912 on its maiden voyage from Southampton to New York.
There were 2,200 passengers and crew on board the vessel, which sank 380 miles off the coast of Newfoundland after hitting an iceberg. Only 700 survived.

As an added bonus, some of the parts are made with coal from the engine room and in some models the bones of some of the dead have been carved into an attractive rotating bezel.

Only 2012, have been made which means they are rare as well as being quite unique which is a good way of bumping up the price.
The Disney corporation is famous for releasing a limited amount of re-released old films as a marketing ploy to make you rush out and buy them at full price.

They range in price for the watches are from £4,500 - £82,800.
They are scratch resistant, anti reflective but most importantly they are waterproof to 12,000 metres or 6,600 fathoms.
The uglier and more tacky the watch the more expensive as you can guess.

These watches have a lifetime guarantee and have been described as unbreakable.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Al Qaeda Fights The Ratings War

A new video from al Qaeda has invited journalists to send questions to the organisation's number two man , Ayman al Zawahri

Another video released earlier this week showed Zawahri in a classic, well-lit TV interview studio as he filmed the pilot for his new talk show his guests were Jessica Simpson, Wolfgang Puck and music by Kanye West.

Bruce Hoffman, a terrorism expert and professor at Georgetown University in Washington, DC said, "Al Qaeda's media operation has become increasingly professional over recent months, as they are not effected by the Hollywood writers strike they have taken full advantage and make all the Oprah ,Obama and Clinton jokes, however they must work on them a little bit as the jokes usually just end with be-heading or a stoning as in accordance with Islamic law. Not much of a punch line. "

Analysts suggest the invitation to an interview is a new twist in the organisation's campaign to reach a broader audience, and represents an attempt by Zawahri to present himself as a sophisticated leader, a people person, a man of the people rather than a murder thirsty terrorist who worships a Pedophile prophet .

"I think their media capability is sophisticated thanks to infidel western technology," said Hoffman, "The invitation is for individuals and all media to send questions to the web forums where Al Sahab, al Qaeda's video production section, traditionally posts its messages."

Being part of the media OBB News has come up with some hard hitting questions for Zawahri.

1) If Al Qaeda was a colour what colour would it be?

2) Where do you stand on premarital lashings? should the couple wait ?

3) Do you have a favourite AK-47 ? if so does it have a name ?

4) If you had to behead 3 famous people alive or dead who would it be and why ?

5) Why does the nation of Islam dress so funny in those suits and dickie bows?

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Blackwater In Canine Terror Attack

Hentish in happier times.

The U.S. embassy in Iraq is investigating another deadly shooting incident involving its Blackwater bodyguards this time of the New York Times's pet dog Hentish.
Staff at the newspaper's Baghdad bureau said Blackwater bodyguards shot Hentish dead before a visit by a U.S. diplomat to the Times compound.
Blackwater spokeswoman Anne Tyrrell said the dog had what looked like a knife and attacked one of Blackwater's bomb-sniffer dogs while a security team was sweeping the compound for explosives.
"The dog handler made several unsuccessful attempts to get the dog to retreat which included shoving his thumb up its bung-hole and hitting it with a rolled up newspaper. When those efforts failed, the K-9 handler was forced to use a pistol to protect the company's K-9 and himself," she said in an e-mail to OBB News.
The U.S. embassy employs about 1,000 armed and dangerous trigger happy burnt out ex- military Blackwater staff to protect American diplomats in Baghdad.
The firm's role became a serious issue in Iraqi-U.S. relations when its guards opened fire on a Baghdad street in September, killing 17 people and their pets.
Blackwater says its employees acted lawfully in that incident as the ragheads looked like insurgents , the case is under investigation.
Hentish has lived at the compound all its life and will be sorely missed though it wasn't missed by the Blackwater employee .

Christmas Tragedy In Brazil

Rio De Janeiro , Brazil . A helicopter carrying Santa to a children's party was mistaken for a police helicopter by drug traffickers in one of Rio's slums. They opened fire on the helicopter shooting it down.

Santa was flying to a party in the Nova Mare slum and was shot down as it flew over the neighbouring Vila Joao shantytown.
One of the elves who came down from the North pole to identify the body went to Nova Mare by car to distribute Christmas presents.

Santa started using a helicopter as Vixen, Comet and Donner died from Foot and mouth disease earlier this year.

Most of Rio's 700 plus slums are controlled by drug traffickers and are not patrolled by the police, who instead go into the slums in military-style raids, often using helicopters and armored vehicles.

Alabaster Snowball the Administrator of the Naughty & Nice list said, " Killing Santa? that really cobs my corn, those naughty little boys will not be getting their special Christmas shipment this year.
I just want to assure children all over the world that you will get your presents as the April Fool has kindly volunteered to stand in this year but as we'll be under more pressure than usual and so the 'nice' criteria will be a little more strict so expect more lumps of coal being handed out and try to be better behaved for next year."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

White Is The New Black

Lee Thomas the 40 year-old African-American Fox anchor and entertainment reporter for Detroit has a disease called vitiligo.
The disorder destroys pigment-making cells. White patches appear on different parts of the body, in the mouth, nose, and the retina.
There is no known cause. There is no cure, and it's very random. Scientists are looking into the illness as a way to study the evolutionary changes that man has developed over the millenniums.

Dr. Sancy Leachman, associate professor of dermatology at the University of Utah, calls vitiligo stigmatizing, driving some to even consider suicide. It's not fatal, but experts say vitiligo robs people of self-confidence, evokes ridicule , reduces penis size , causes unpleasant stares as you lose your rhythm on the dance floor , and pushes some into unforced seclusion.

Mr Thomas without his makeup on.

Thomas uses makeup to conceal his skin discoloration. At first he thought his career was over but has since won an Emmy award and routinely travels to Hollywood for interviews with celebrities including Will Smith, Tom Cruise, Steve Segal and Halle Berry and has done a news segment on the story and has now written a book about the disease titled "Turning White: A Memoir of Change" to hi-light it and explain that its not catchy like leprosy and to debunk any myths about it.

The good news is that in about 10 years Mr Thomas will be Caucasian and will not have to face racial stereotyping such as getting pulled over by the police for no reason and can now drink at any water fountain he wants.

Top geneticist Dr Brad Ovitt for the Mengele Research centre says, " We believe that we can isolate and manipulate the gene that causes this disease in order to give every person of colour the chance at being white because being Caucasian is awesome."

Don Imus, the American humorist, philanthropist, writer, radio and television talk show host who got into trouble for referring to some coloured women as "Nappy headed ho's" said eariler today, " Now I feel vindicated. No one can call me a racist because the women will be white but still have nappy hair. The fact I called them ho's is irrelevant as that's acceptable in todays media and society, just ask 50 Cent and Santa."

Dick Peterson the current Grand wizard of the Hogwart's Seattle branch of the Klu Klux Klan said, " I see this as a government plan to destroy the Klan but it won't happen. We will still hate the Jews and the Catholics er I mean to say we only support the existence of white Protestants and hate no one. We fully expect our membership to swell once the coloureds turn white."

Former US President Bill Clinton said, " Martin Luther King's dream of equality will now be realised once medical science makes this possible this is great news for mankind though I will miss the dark meat ."

The Queen Award Hero John Smeaton

Described by British prime minister Gordon Brown as "powerful proof of the character of our country". The 31 year-old John Smeaton has been the talk of the town on both sides of the Atlantic.

When Glasgow Airport was attacked by two crazed Asians who crashed their burning jeep into the entry way of the Airport on 30 th June this year, John Smeaton ran to the aid of a police officer and tackled the terrorists.

Smeaton a life long fan of Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee said to the terrorists, " your kung-foo is good but mine is better." Bilal Abdullah received a boot to the gonads and now has three Adam's apples.

After both of the terrorists had been subdued Smeato calmly lit his cigarette off the one that was still smoldering and said the immortal words, " If ya come te Glasgee we'll just set aboot ye." Which means , " If you are a terrorist and travel to Glasgow with the intent on doing harm well shall psychically assault you then have you arrested."

Hailed as a national hero he has his own website and t-shirts that say, "What would Smeato do?" John is ever modest and says, "I did nothing special I just ran in and booted a guy." No Mr Sweaton you gave a nation victory and hope.

He was honoured by American TV news channel CNN at a glitzy tribute gala in New York and received the Everyday Superhero award.

Mingling with stars including Tyra Banks, Glenn Close, Sylvester Stallone, Roger Moore, Marilyn Manson, Harry Connick Jr and the Duchess of York.

The awards ceremony was followed by a two-hour gala with performances by Norah Jones, Mary J Blige and Sheryl Crow. Smeato not having heard of these people spent most of his time outside having a smoke but always on alert for terrorists because even during a smoke break Smeato never lets his guard down.

It has now been revealed that Smeaton will receive the Queen's Gallantry Medal, this award is given to civilians for acts of bravery. Smeaton described getting the award as an "honour and a half".

When I got the letter this morning, I couldn't believe it," he said. "I thought, 'What next?'
"I phoned my dad straight away and he was just bewildered, stunned."
"In no way did I expect this. It's an honour and a half. The ultimate."

Mr Smeaton earned this award and the numerous others he has won since when he came to the aid of a police officer and also tackled one of the suspected terrorists. He then moved injured people away from a burning vehicle which could have exploded.

Smeaton is single but since the attack has had many offers from females including Hollywood stars. Pamela Anderson who cited her lust for Smeaton as the main contribution to the break up of her marriage to Rick Solomon. Famous Lesbian Jodie Foster said she would turn straight for Smeaton and Brad and Angelina want to adopt him.

A Robert Burns like poem thats says it all was posted anonymously on the Smeaton website:

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots

Oor Johnny walked one day

When he saw a sicht that

troubled him

Far more than he could say...

Now that's no richt wur

Johnny cried

And sallied tae the fray

A left hook and a heid butt

Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden

Yir sort's nae wanted here

For imported English radicals

Us Scoatsman huv nae fear.

Monday, December 17, 2007

116 Year-Old Ukraine Man Dies

Hryhoriy Nestor, a bachelor who in his lifetime was thought to be the oldest person in the world, has died at the age of 116 in Ukraine.

Mr Nestor died in his sleep in the village of Stary Yarychev, in the western region of Lviv famous for having the longest tape worm ever in a human, which was 20 metres or 66 feet and was found in Matviyko Samoilenko in 1956.

Nestor died before he could get into the Guinness book of world records, now the oldest living person is currently Edna Parker of the United States, who turned 114 in April but don't count on her making it through the winter as the world of competitive dying can turn on a dime.

A few close relatives and neighbours gathered for Mr Nestor's funeral.
In accordance with Mr Nestor's wishes there should be no crying, a hearty meal was served of his favourite dishes: warm potato and herring, and cabbage with home-made sausage.

Oksana one of his relatives said, "His death came as a surprise to us, he just didn't wake up again, who would have thought a 116 year-old in the prime of life would have just died ? He owed me money."

Mr Nestor put his long life down to the fact that he never married and was still a virgin however local children would chant as they passed by his home "Hryhoriy Nestor goat molester" but that was just children being children assured Oksana. The reason for him remaining a bachelor according to Oksana was because he was a short man and never had money, also maybe it was the constant farting from eating cabbage all the time.

In 1891 when Mr Nestor was born the life expectancy in Europe was 50 years old , Adolf Hitler was only two, An 8.0 earthquake strikes the village of Utsuzumi in rural Gifu Japan, killing over 7,000 across the region and creating a 3-meter-tall surface fault that is still visible today and Thomas Edison patented the radio.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Christmas Card Arrives 93 Years Late

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" is the unofficial motto of the United States postal service.

The official motto is actually: "Rain, sleet, snow, heat, apathy and incompetence will probably prevent you from getting your mail at all."
A Christmas card of Santa with a young girl on it has arrived at its destination 93 years after it was sent.

It was dated December 23, 1914, and addressed to Ethel Martin in Oberlin, Kansas, from her cousins in Nebraska.
Ms Martin is now deceased and went to the grave will ill feelings about her uncaring cousins who couldn't be bothered to send a card, the incident caused a 30 year rift in the family.

The post office not being able to deliver a Christmas card before the person died of old age then gave it to the wrong person Bernice Martin, her sister-in-law.

The card was found somewhere in Illinois and then passed on to the post office. It was placed inside another envelope with modern postage for the trip to Oberlin. Which is the usual way the mail gets to its destination in America by blunder and luck.

The one-cent stamp of the early 20th century would not have covered it, Ms Martin said which is her own opinion as in 1914 one cent could get you your dinner, a night out at the theatre and a bus ride home and you'd still have change left over.

"We don't know much about it. But wherever they kept it, it was in perfect shape," she added.

Oberlin Postmaster Steve Schultz said: "It's surprising that it never got thrown away. I throw mail and parcels away all the time, it keeps me sane otherwise I'd go postal, how someone found it, I don't know."

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Sea Dog Gets Honoured

A courageous sea dog who saved the lives of two sailors
in World War II and inspired many others has has been awarded the gold medal for gallantry and devotion from the PDSA veterinary charity more than 60 years after his death.

Bamse the St Bernard became a national hero in Norway for his efforts on board the minesweeper the Thorodd.
Bamse also became a local legend during his time stationed in Dundee and Montrose.

The dog saved a young Lieutenant who was attacked by a knife wielding psychopath who had sympathies towards the British fascist leader Sir Oswald Mosley by ripping out the crazed maniacs throat and knocking the attacker into the water, he also rescued a sailor who had fell over board by jumping in after him and dragging him to shore. In fact all the sailors aboard the Thorodd kept a piece of bacon in their pockets as an incentive for Bamse to rescue them if they fell over board.

Bamse could tell Nazi collaborators just by their smell and uncovered 3 collaborators and 2 spies in his time, all of whom were questioned then later shot.

Bamse the 14 stone dog, whose name means cuddly bear, became a national hero and a symbol for freedom against Nazism in Norway and even had his own cereal and action figure.

He became such a symbol that Hitler ordered him shot on sight and tried to create his own propaganda dog, a German shepherd named wolfie but it never took off.

While ashore the friendly dog became a familiar sight in Dundee and Montrose, with his white sailor's collar and mariner's cap. He would lead the drunken sailors home from the pub and was given his own bus pass.

It is thought that Bamse had many girlfriends while in Scotland, the women in Dundee and Montrose remember him fondly.

Maple Morris of Arbroath recalls, " He was always such a gentleman and would pick up his own droppings. He would fetch things for you and never stick his nose up your bottom for a sniff uninvited unlike his fellow Norwegian sailors." She went on to remember him more," he had the longest tongue ever and really solid muscles, when he walked into the room everyone stopped and looked, he had presence."

In Scotland he was loved by the locals. On 22 July 1944 when he died all the schools in Montrose closed as a mark of respect.

Pirate Ship Found In Pristine Condition

The wreckage of a pirate ship abandoned by Captain Kidd in the 17th century has been found by divers just 70 feet off the coast of Catalina Island in the Dominican Republic in less than 10 feet of seawater.

The archaeology team, from Indiana University, says they have found the remains of Quedagh Merchant. Kidd captured the ship loaded with valuable satins, silks, gold, silver, Davy Jones' foot locker and other East Indian stuff like curry , but left the ship in the Caribbean as he sailed to New York to clear his name of criminal charges.

He didn't manage to clear his name as teams of celebrity lawyers hadn't been invented yet and was convicted of piracy and murder charges in a famous London trial. He was left to hang over the River Thames for two years. It is said he was the most well hung pirate on the seven seas and had the biggest booty .
Charles Beaker of Indiana University said "It is remarkable that the wreck has remained undiscovered all these years given its location and it looks like there hasn't been any looting, well until we got there."

The find is valuable because of what it can reveal about William Kidd and piracy in the Caribbean as many people today only know about pirates from Johnny Depp movies, but the question that needs to be answered the most is, why wasn't Kiera Knightly jolly well rogered when she was disguised as a man while hiding aboard the pirate ship as per the pirate custom with pretty young lads?
John Foster, California's state underwater archaeologist who is working on the site has pondered that question for years but feels he is close to an answer with this recent discovery.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Holy Man Hopping Mad

A Hindu holy man was attacked by two strangers who cut off his right leg and left him for dead.
Yanadi Kondaiah an 80 year-old holy man claims to heal people of spiritual and psychical ailments by just having them touch his leg. He also claimed to be able to predict the future.

A few days ago two men approached him for advice, then they returned offering Mr Kondaiah to have a few drinks with them which he gladly accepted as he had a fondness for drinking.

Upon getting Mr Kondaiah drunk they took him to a secluded area where he passed out drunk in a religious fashion and then they used a large hunting knife to cut off his mystical leg from the knee down.

The old man is recovering in hospital in the city of Tirupati. He still has his magical penis that he lets people touch but is afraid to brag about its healing power.

After regaining consciousness Mr Kondaiah said that he had no idea why he was targeted in such a manner, and did not understand the motive of the miscreants in taking away his leg.

"I have always been good to others and helped who ever came to me. Then why has this been done to me?" he asked amid his tears.

When asked had he predicted the attack Mr Kondaiah said, " I did see it but misread the signs. I thought getting legless meant I would be very drunk which I was, not literally legless."

Five Year-Old Boy Kills Bear

I love animals, thats why I love to kill them.

Five-year-old Tre Merritt shot and killed a large black bear in a forest in Arkansas. He was hiding in a hunting stand half way up a tree with his grandfather Mike waiting for deer that look nothing like bears.

The bear weighed 445lb, and was 12 times the size of Tre, but it was unarmed and not expecting to be shot from a distance. The family now plans to have it mounted.

"I was up in the stand and I seen the bear" said Tre in bad five year-old grammar, "It came from the thicket and it was beside the road and I shot it."
His grandfather said he had whistled at the animal when it was 40 to 50 yards away, at which point it stood still then he told Tre to shoot it.

Mr Merritt added: "I said 'Tre, you missed the bear'. He said 'Paw-paw, I squeezed the trigger and I didn't close my eyes. I killed him ." Then Tre went home and watched the Teletubbies episode in which La La learns how to shoot the bunny rabbits that frolic around their home .

Mr Merritt said that Tre was descended from famous American frontiersman Davy Crockett, who supposedly killed a bear when he was three.

Tre is five and armed with a high powered rifle when he actually killed a bear. "I think every toddler should be given a gun and taught to kill and not let it bother them" added Mr Merritt , "potty training and book learnin can wait."

Tre started shooting when he was two-and-a-half years old and last year shot three deer. By the time Tre is seven he is hoping to go on to large game cats and then by the time he reaches high school he should be ready for people.

Ed Scott from the "Inherit the Earth" conservationist organisation said, " I don't know what they have against the animals that they have go around shooting them from concealed positions. I say they should be put in a room with a bear unarmed as the bear is and see how great they are then. "

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Pratchett Stricken With Disease

Terry Pratchett the 59 year old author is suffering from a rare form of early Alzheimer's disease.
Pratchett who has sold more than 55 million books worldwide had a phantom stroke earlier this year which is thought to be connected with his condition .

He said: "I would have liked to keep this one quiet for a little while, but because of upcoming conventions , it seems to me unfair to withhold the news."

The author said work was continuing on his latest book, "The colour of magic." Then he plans to write a series of books called "Discworld" about a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants which are in turn standing on the back of a giant turtle. He promises it will be unlike anything you have ever seen.

When asked what he thought about Harry Potter Mr Pratchett said "Harry who?" then he wet himself and stumbled off muttering about getting ready for school.

He told fans the statement should be interpreted as "I may not be able to remember what a thingy is called but I am not dead yet ".

Pratchett was made an OBE in 1998 for services to British literature.

Pigeon War Hero Remembered

Some people call them "Rats with wings" but Paddy the pigeon was different. Bred in Carnlough, Northern Ireland, he proved himself different because in 1944 he was the first pigeon to fly back with news of the Normandy landings of D-day in World War II.

Paddy had the Dickin medal pinned to his breast for that feat of flying and was one of only 62 animals who received it for bravery in the war.

Paddy had bravely volunteered in response to an appeal by the government and risked getting shot down by the German hawks they had set up to intercept the pigeons or necked if captured.
Paddy even had his own number NPS.43.9451 while he served in the RAF.

Dogs, horses, pigeons, hamsters and a cat received medals because they helped save thousands of lives in the war.
Waggy the border collie was decorated for a special mission to defecate on Hitler's lawn.

They are buried at the animal cemetery in Redbridge, Ilford and are to be remembered at a special ceremony in which veterans who served with the animals march past and the Last Post is played by a bugler.

The Queen is expected to attend to lay a wreath at the tomb of the unknown hamster.

A fly-past by pigeons will commemorate the 32 birds who were honoured for their bravery.

Many of the carrier pigeons (including Paddy) further served their country by being served with sage and onion stuffing as rationing continued after the war in Britain.

Paddy's medal was sold to a pigeon fancier for almost £7,000 at an auction in Dublin in September 1999.

Mythical Creature Sighted Over Busy Road

A commuter claims to have taken a picture of a creature known as "The Jersey Devil" as it flew over head on his way home from work. The unidentified man who was just outside of the town of
Hammonton described the creature as having "leathery wings and a furry body" he goes on to say, "It turned and locked eyes with me, its eyes glowed like hot coals and then it gave me the finger. I wasn't gonna take that from no mythical beast so I honked my horn and shouted Batman called he wants his nipples back, YOU SUCK!"
The creature then disappeared over the tree line.

The Jersey Devil is said to have been born to a local woman named Mrs. Leeds in an area known as "Leeds Point" sometime during the 1700s, she was tired of being a baby breeding machine and cursed the child.

Other people think the creature is merely one of the inbreed residents of the Pine barrens area, the locals there are known as Pineys and are famous for incest and basket weaving using long pubic hairs braided like robes.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Major Operation For Three Armed Girl

Little Ren upset at losing her twin. People in the village used to call out, "look here comes Ren and Stumpy."

A little girl nick-named the 'angel with wings' because of a flapping third arm growing out of her back has undergone life or death surgery at a military hospital in Beijing.

A large team of doctors, neuro and plastic surgeons and orthapedic specialists carried out an operation to remove the extra limb from 11-year-old Ren Xin.

The extra arm came from an undeveloped parasitic twin and had its spine fused with Ren Xin's spine. The arm had to be sedated as it wasn't coming off without a fight and it was defiant to the end.

Ren Xin was getting tired of the constant "I've only got one pair of hands" jokes and begged her parents to take her to a doctor to remove the limb.
Since making that decision the arm has punched Ren Xin on the head and flicked her ears, her parents had to strap it down.

Professor Yeqibin one of China's most eminent surgeons said
"This is a very rare case. There are only four cases like this in all of China It's an extremely complex and potentially dangerous operation for the patient only someone with my great skill and genius could pull it off so to speak."

They actually cut it off.

Ren Xin is an outstanding pupil with a childhood dream to become a good doctor so she can make her parents proud, or a ballerina she hasn't quite decided yet.

The Chinese government has since fined Ren's parents for breaking the having more than one child law and if they don't pay they may go to prison.

Top Scientists Say Earth Is Doomed

The melting of the Arctic has greatly accelerated this summer, a warning sign that some scientists worry could mean global warming has passed an ominous tipping point.

Greenland's ice sheet melted this summer 19 billion tons more than the previous high mark. And for the first time on record, the Northwest Passage was open to navigation, great news for Canada .
More good news is that summer sea ice may be completely gone in five years which means less iceberg dangers for ships .

It is the burning of coal, oil , Tobacco and other fossil fuels that produces carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases, responsible for man-made global warming .

Politicians are thought to create 30% of hot air released into the atmosphere and scientists looking for funding by using inaccurate data based only on the last 100 years and calling it global warming even though its not global are responsible for 25% of the hot air and 80% of the fear mongering.

For the past several days, government diplomats have been debating in Bali the outlines of a new climate treaty calling for tougher limits on these gases. It must be a tough job going to one of the most beautiful holiday locations in the world and staying in 5 star hotels, no distractions, just work, work, work I'm sure.
More than 18 scientists said that they were surprised by the level of ice melt this year. Then again they were wrong about the computer crashes in the year 2000.

552 billion tons of ice melted this summer from the Greenland ice sheet, according to preliminary satellite data to be released by NASA Wednesday. That's 15 percent more than the annual average summer melt.

It has been rumoured that Donald Trump has been buying up land in Greenland to build a billion dollar golf course on.
El Nino , Al Gore and high levels of greenhouse gasses are raising global temperatures enough to break the record set in 1998.

Mosquitoes that carry malaria, gonorrhea or dengue fever are moving into formerly inhospitable areas at higher elevations. Global warming is expected to increase the range of mosquitoes and the virulence of their diseases.

More than 250 people died in a heat wave that baked much of the United States in 1999, and in 2003 extreme heat waves killed 20,000 people in Europe and 1,500 in India. " You could fry an egg on the dead bodies that were piling up" said Paul Leon of "Planet Concern Europe."

Coral reefs that protect coastal areas and harbour some of the most colorful life on Earth are dying prematurely because of warming ocean waters and higher levels of carbon dioxide. Nemo no longer has a home.

"Its the end of the world" stated Pat Gilbreath pastor of the "United in Jesus way" church in Surrey England. " Its been predicted all along, first the heat and the drought with the failing of the crops then the floods, then the plague with the mosquitoes and then the son of the Prince of lies Al Gore." (Mr Gilbreath refers to Michael Moore as Satan) "It was written that a false saviour would rise up and we would shower him with accolades and call him Noble and blessed but really he is our doom."

Mr Gore replied in a statement, " I have no ambitions to take over the world I merely want the world to do as I say, and please buy my mocumentary "An Inconvenient Truth" out on DVD."

On a lighter note:

Led Zeppelin returned to rock the stage with their first full set in 19 years at the O2 Arena in Greenwich . Has beens from the television and pop world which included Liam Gallagher and Sir Paul McCartney came out in hand fulls to see them.

Old Knudsen who wasn't at the concert made a comment earlier, " led who? nope I don't go in for that f***ing long haired banjo music."

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Fears Grow For Missing Girl

Karen Foray an 8 year old girl from the town of Rock bottom was abducted yesterday from the local train station. She was seen in the company of a large snowman attempting to buy train tickets to the North pole.

Police suspect the snowman took the girl aboard a refrigerated railway car that was northward bound.
"The extreme cold conditions exacerbates concern for little Karen" said police chief Mulligan. The snowman was seen around town that day talking to many of the local children, he was even observed by a local police officer and evil magician Professor Hinkle .

The professor was questioned for 3 hours before he was released.

The snowman is described as 6 foot tall, wearing an old silk top hat and smoking a corn pipe. He answered to the name Frosty though we think that is just a street name, he may be mentally retarded. He is accompanied by a large white rabbit but the extent of his involvement is not yet known.

Mr and Mrs Foray who had just returned from a weekend skiing to find their little girl that they left safe and sound alone in their home gone said, "we just want her back, this is a total nightmare."

The Foray's are to fly to Chicago to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show to highlight their plight and then they might do Leno afterwards to raise awareness for their "find Karen fund" as they both need new cars and to pay off their mortgage .

The Vampire Of The Desert

The long-eared jerboa, a tiny nocturnal mammal with enormous ears, can be found in deserts in Mongolia and China has been caught on camera for the first time.

Zoological Society of London (ZSL) scientist Jason Baillie said the footage was helping researchers to learn more about the mysterious animal.

Filmed in the Gobi desert the species is classified as endangered.

"These creatures hop just like a kangaroo; it is amazing to watch. Little hairs on their feet, almost like snow shoes, allow them to jump along the sand," he explained.

"And in terms of mammals, they have one of the biggest ear-to-body ratios out there."

The footage revealed that the creatures spend daylight hours burrowed down in underground tunnels beneath the sand, and that their diet was mostly made up of insects but if they encounter a large mammal they will use their razor sharp teeth to draw blood to feed on.

One of the researchers woke to find numerous cuts on his arm and face, it is thought they can detect infrared body heat signatures at night.
It would certainly account for chicken and goat deaths reported by Nomads over the years as the Jerboa can swarm to over come larger prey when food is scarce.

"The long-eared jerboa is a bit like the Mickey Mouse of the desert, cute and comic in equal measure. I don't want to bandy the term vampire about until we study its habits more " Dr Baillie said.

Monday, December 10, 2007

More Da Vinci Secrets

According to Slavasi Pesci, an Italian scholar , that if you x-ray the Leonardo da Vinci painting Mona Lisa you can see the original painting underneath. It is thought that Da Vinci was more into young boys than women but this discovery now questions that theory .

In Pesci's new book " Leo the lion" he portrays Da Vinci as a hard drinking womaniser made paranoid by lead poisoning which is why he hid so many messages in his work.

A Condom For Your Whopper Sir?

Creepy yet tasty

Van Miguel Hartless a 24-year-old American man is suing a Burger King restaurant claiming he found an unwrapped contraceptive condom in his Whopper under a piece of lettuce.

"My third bite into the burger, it was just a foreign taste," he said. "It was a very sour, bitter sort of taste. It almost had a numbing sensation.

As I went to bite down a little harder, I felt a rubber grind in between my teeth. I saw it half in my mouth, half hanging out.

It was an immediate sick-to-my-stomach type of thing as I ordered it with cheese and without pickle and condom, can they not get my order right?"

He is seeking unspecified damages from the fast food restaurant in Rutland, Vermont as the experience has caused him "pain, suffering, nightmares, distress, heartburn, itchy scalp and medical expenses ".

Mr Hartless was reportedly tested for HIV and the tests came back negative, he also failed his driving test earlier this month.

A manager at the restaurant said, " Mr Hartless wanted it his way and we failed him. That makes us no better than McDonalds, its just lucky he didn't order a Chicken Royale as that cums with a used condom in the dressings ribbed for her pleasure."

This year, the Burger King Whopper celebrated its 50th anniversary.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Story Correction

Mr Richard Dawkins, aka "Darwin's rottweiler."

A correction to an earlier live broadcast. It was not Richard Dawkins aged 66, the famous British ethologist, evolutionary biologist and science writer who shot dead nine people including himself at the Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska last week but rather it was 19 year old Robert Hawkins ex-fast food worker and Harry Potter fanatic.
We apologise for any distress we may have caused Mr Dawkins and his family.

Robert Hawkins the Harry Potter killer.