Wednesday, December 31, 2008

£100bn Error Shortens Lifespan

Donald Moffat, aged 38, from Ayrshire, Scotland looked at his Barclays bank account online and saw two separate withdrawals of £50bn.

The bank said a "technical error" was to blame and apologised.

Mr Moffat said Barclays also offered £10 in compensation for the phone calls he had to make to resolve the error which will help with paying the £100 'technical error' fixing fee .

The full-time student, who is also a part-time care worker, e-mailed a copy of his bank statement to OBB News.

It showed a debit balance on 30 December of just under £100bn.

Mr Moffat said his wife had noticed "a major discrepancy of two £50bn debits" being taken out of his account.

"We knew we still had quite a bit left in the account as we checked last night before we went out on our private jet," he said.

"This morning I went out to get a few gold-plated things, then, when I came back, my account was overdrawn by that amount."

Mr Moffat said he had "been passed from pillar to post" after making the error known to Barclays.

He also said he was looking for the bank to up its offer of compensation for the level of stress he had been put under in trying to resolve the situation.

In a statement Barclays said: "Earlier today a technical error caused some customer accounts to be incorrectly debited.

"The problem was immediately identified and corrected within less than an hour, and all affected customer accounts are now showing correct balances.

"No customers will be financially impacted by this error. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused our customers and they should suck it up or bank elsewhere of course there is a £5000 cancellation fee ."

Mr Moffat is annoyed and his hair instantly went white but he is somewhat relieved and now his account is only over drawn £10bn which is the correct amount.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Future President Named Tripp?

You need a license to own a car or a dog but any moron can have a child.

Bristol Palin,aged 18, the daughter of failed Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin gave birth to Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston .

He weighed 7 pounds, 4 ounces. Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol's grandmother, told OBB News that "the baby is fine except for the silly name and Bristol is doing well too." Even though we didn't ask.

The governor's office said it would not release information because it considers the little bastard's birth a private, family matter you betcha darn tootin.

Spokespeople for the governor's former running mate, John McCain, have been banned from saying the name Palin and either would not confirm the birth or did not return messages from OBB News.

The father is Levi Johnston, aged 18 and is a fine young man. A hockey playing redneck High school drop out who now has a job on the North Slope oil fields as an apprentice electrician. All any mother could hope for.

It is pure speculation whether or not having a 17 year-old unwed pregnant daughter damaged Palin's credibility as a religious conservative during the election.

The campaign upon hearing the news did issue a statement saying Bristol "and the young man" would get married..

The baby now born out of wedlock and the couple still not married there has been talk about a summer wedding but that came from Johnston's mother who was recently arrested on felony drug charges so the exact summer was not mentioned. The summer of love maybe.

Since Palin failed to be elected this does not count as an election promise.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The Vatican Indulges In Yet More Hypocritical Bullying

Pope Benedict XVI said that saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour was as important as protecting the environment.

The comments were "irresponsible and unacceptable", the UK's Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement (LGCM) said.

Alan Titchmarsh, a TV celebrity gardener called the remarks "An outrage to Geraniums".

Vladimir Luxuria, a transgender former Italian MP, called his words "hurtful".

Defending God's creation was not limited to saving the environment, the Pope said, but also about protecting man from himself.

The man who thinks that a woman is a young boy made the comments in an end-of-year speech to senior Vatican staff.

It was not "out-of-date metaphysics" to "speak of human nature as 'man', woman or sexy little boy ", he said. It came from the "language of creation, despising which would mean self-destruction for humans".

Gender theories, he said, led to man's "auto-emancipation" from creation and Creator. God may have been stupid enough to give out free will but he also put me here to tell you what to do and think

"Rain forests deserve, yes, our protection but the human being... does not deserve it less," he said.

LGCM head Rev Sharon Ferguson said the Pope's remarks justified "gay bashing" and bullying.

Mark Dowd, strategist for Christian environmental group Operation Noah, said the comments betrayed "a lack of openness to the complexity of creation".

Derek Munn of the UK based gay rights group Stonewall criticises Pope Benedict XVI's comments

And Ms Luxuria, who recently lost her seat in the Italian parliament, said suggesting people like her were destructive was very hurtful.

"I'm someone who was born as male and has a spiritual and female soul, and it's contradictory that a Pope just thinks of people just made as flesh and not made of a spiritual aspect."

The Catholic Church opposes gay marriage. It teaches that while homosexuality is not sinful, homosexual acts are.

Earlier this month, the Vatican said that a proposed United Nations resolution decriminalising homosexuality went too far.

"Unjust discrimination" against gay people should be avoided, but the use of wording such as "sexual orientation" and "gender identity" in the text would "create serious uncertainty in the law", it said

OBB puts out this question to the obviously insane former Nazi Pope Benedict XVI. If homosexual or transsexuals who have never hurt another living person are dangerous to humanity and just as important as a tree then where does heterosexual people like Ted Bundy or Fred West or celibate pedophiles like priests fit in?

OBB News shall await the Pope's response or threatened legal action as they have previously responded with to this News Blog with glee.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Men Call All The Shots Down Under

One Australian Stay-at-home mum was more or less told to get a real job when she went to buy a cell phone.
Lyndal Fair, a thirty-six-year-old mother of three, wanted to purchase a mobile phone but Vodafone said No!, they don't sell phones to mums.

In fact, the store employees suggested the little lady should get her husband to purchase the phone under his name for her.

"I couldn't believe it. It was like being back in the '50s," said Mrs. Fair. "Being a mum is a full-time job and it's a very hard job - the hardest job you can have - because if you get it wrong, the ramifications for everyone are enormous," she added.

A Vodafone spokesman confirmed that the policy does not belong to just one store but to the company as a whole, adding that getting a man to purchase the phone was the easiest solution.

The policy is not meant to target mums alone, but anyone the company feels may not be able to afford a phone. "It's not an ideal situation. We're trying to fix it but we ain't too smart," said Greg Spears, the company spokesman.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tragedy At The North Pole

Weeks after refusing a government bailout Santa Claus who put $1.4bn (£1bn) into Bernard Madoff's fraud scheme has killed himself in his North-pole office.

Claus was found sitting at his work desk with both wrists slashed, a bottle of pills was found near him, but there was no suicide note.

Mr Madoff is accused of running a $50bn (£34bn) Ponzi scheme that wiped out investors around the world.

Bernard L Madoff walking down Lexington Ave

Mr Madoff's fraud has ensnared Wall Street investors and charities around the world, although the full extent of the losses is as yet unknown.

He is under house arrest in his Manhattan apartment, and his assets have been frozen.

Phyllis Molchatsky, a 61-year-old retiree from New York, is seeking $1.7m in damages from the US Securities and Exchange Commission.

It is believed to be the first attempt by an investor to recover losses from the SEC.

Mrs Claus was not available for comment but Long-socks one of the head Elves said: " Business as usual this year and all the good children not in 3rd world countries will get their presents."

"Next years Christmas is uncertain", commented the Ghost of Christmas future.

LA Mayor Suggests Jesus Booty Call

Los Angles, California,USA. The riots in LA sparked by conflicts between black and whites over the election win of Barrack Obama have officially ended with police arresting over 200 people.

LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said: " We need to live beside one another in peace and harmony and maybe some interracial sex to cement those bonds. At this time of year we should ask ourselves what would Jesus do? I cannot speak for Jesus but I do believe he'd tap some black ass in the name of love and peace."

Wise words indeed Mr Mayor and a Merry Christmas.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Wang Explodes For The Last Time

Weather rockets are shot into the atmosphere in order to break up clouds to either protect crops or to simply improve the weather.
One of these rockets recently missed its target in the Chinese town of Wang Chung.

Inner Mongolia resident Wang Diange was killed after an explosion rocked the house where he was staying.
It was a raining so it was assumed the house had been struck by lightning.

Later on Wang's body exploded during his cremation blowing the doors off the chamber.

No one could figure out why the blast had occurred, until one of the fragments was found afterward bearing a military serial number. It was determined to be part of a shell casing.

The weather bureau had been firing the shells containing silver iodide in order to bust up some hail that was forming.

One unexploded shell lodged in Wang, and then went unnoticed due to his body being mangled.

Wang went out with a final bang.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

When Monkeys Go Bad

During a street performance in China the monkeys turned on the organ grinder.

One monkey had refused to ride on a bicycle, and was consequently beaten like you do with performing animals.

His two monkey friends came to the monkey's aid by taking the trainer's cane and returning the beating. They also pulled the trainer's ear and bit his head while an audience of highly entertained spectators looked on.

"They were once wild and these performances don't always come naturally to them. They may have built up some feelings of hatred towards me," the stunned trainer said to the audience.

OBB News can't think of any reason the monkeys would dislike getting beat while being forced to perform stupid tricks.
Later on in the day the trainer felt like hugging a cute Panda at a nearby zoo and was surprised when he was mauled.

Monkeys - 3 Trainer - nil.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Black Is Not The New Bond

Puff 'P' Diddy Daddy has made a type of audition tape for his ad campaign for his new cologne 'I am king'.

Already making the rounds on YouTube, showing Diddy going jet-skiing in black tie, and wearing a lot of white tuxedo jackets and aviators. He has a beautiful woman on his arm at all times.

The ads are important, he says, because they show black men in a different light.

"The campaign shows an African-American male shot in a very elegant and sophisticated way," he said. "It's important that we can have images that will rival a Ralph Lauren or a Tom Ford. It just shows the possibilities."

" I thought that [the movie] was a way to put out a call out to different directors," he said. "I know how to do my own stunts. And without saying any words that's the hardest part of acting, without saying any words I can deliver a message of coolness and swagger."

All of the actors at the RSC know that Shakespeare's dialogue comes second to coolness and swagger delivered on jet-ski's in silence.

He's already got the movie concept worked out he'll play the New York based agent with a large over bite who helps the British Bond when he comes to town and gets himself into trouble. Maybe a love interest.

"I'm a dreamer," he said of his movie idea. " You've got to put things out there. If you put them out there, they come true."

Stick to reality shows and stealing samples of songs Mr Ditty or whatever your name is today. There are people out there who can act and that is what movies need. I think the current Bond has plenty of coolness, swagger and acting ability to spare without a former rap star to spoil things for him.

You elect a black President and now they think they can be James Bond. Time for a reality check.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Whopper Virgins Vote

The results just in. 97% of Whopper virgins want to be left alone and not exploited for burger sales.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Burger King Smells Like Sex

Burger King is tapping the vast market of sex appeal. First there is the advertising campaign known as 'The Whopper Virgins' in which they travel the world to remote areas and de-virginise people who have never heard of the burger chain with their flame broiled burger.

If you think that is wrong then think about this. Burger king has a perfume for men known as 'Flame' at $3.99 the perfume smells like a flame-broiled hamburger.

Many chubby chasing men have applauded the scent designed to drive hungry women wild. The smell of the perfume has has mixed reactions. Some find it appealing and others disgusting.

Rickey Hammer from Boston who tried and liked the scent said: "Why can't they make something to have 'my' Whopper tasting like a BLT so I can get some action?"

Good idea Mr Hammer OBB News would not be surprised to see this or Burger King porn staring the creepy King mascot.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Fabulous Life Found On Mars

Much to the delight of those who oppose California's Prop 8 that overturns same sex marriage in the state NASA has found gay icon life on Mars.

Bette Midler poses on the Mars Rover on the surface of Mars to promote her latest Vegas appearances.

NASA has denied that the Mars Rover is really on a sound stage in Nevada next to the Moon sound stage where the Moon landings were filmed in 1969.

A NASA Spokesman said: "Ms Midler is so great she boosts the atmosphere anywhere she goes."

Earlier this year the Bat signal was seen on the planet Venus to promote the new Batman movie.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Romanian Ghost Likes The Spotlight

The Decebal Hotel in Romania has become a local attraction after a photograph of a ghost was published by the local media.

The 150-year-old hotel is believed to hide ancient Roman treasure under its foundations and the ghost is said by locals to keep treasure hunters away.

The hotel has been closed for renovations for five years but people who have ventured inside claim to have seen and photographed the ghost.

Victoria Iovan, 33, said: "I photographed my naked boyfriend touching himself in the hotel. Back home I was shocked to see another shadow in the picture. "

A high school student called Alexandra, said he and six classmates went into the hotel late one evening for fun.

"All of a sudden we felt a cold air and we saw a grey silhouette close to us. We couldn't find our way out because we ran so fast and left our beer behind," he said.

Local authorities have warned people not to go into the hotel because they say it is unsafe because of the building work.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Love And Marriage

Worcester, England, Sophie Clarke, 29, an accountant had spent three years preparing and calculating for her wedding to porn shop manager Karl Woods, 36.

A traditional horse and carriage arrived at her house at 12.30pm to take her and her father, Bob Clarke, 56, to their wedding at nearby St Leonard's Church in Bretforton.

But during the journey, the horse bolted after becoming scared by the oncoming traffic and the driver of the carriage and his assistant both fell off.

Meanwhile, the wedding guests waited at the church until a giggling passer-by told them the news and a friend rushed the groom to the scene of the accident.

Miss Clarke was taken to Worcester Hospital in a neck brace on a stretcher but was released the same day suffering from concussion and minor cuts and bruises.

Despite their dream wedding being cancelled, the bride remained positive and was thankful to be alive.

A tearful Miss Clarke said at her home "The horse just become spooked and went out of control. The driver jumped off and suddenly my dad and I were on our own, careering in to the distance.

"We must have been going at least 30 miles per hour, we kept going for about another mile and a half, over a railway track, totally out of control. We really thought we were going to die.

"A car driver nearby saw what was going on and tried to stop us by driving in front of the carriage but we just crashed right in to it and carried on going, that's when I decided to start screaming, I'm not paying for the damage to the car."

Seeing his daughter so distressed in her wedding dress her father Bob decided to push his daughter out of the carriage door and then jumped himself.

Miss Clarke said "We were approaching a sharp bend in the road and he just pushed me out, I didn't have a clue what was going on.

"I landed on the concrete road and my dad landed about 50 metres away on soft grass, I don't really remember what happened after that, but he saved my life he really is my hero.

"Obviously I am upset that the wedding did not happen but it has made me realise what is important. I just feel the luckiest girl alive to be sitting here and that we both got out safely. It was the scariest experience ever and completely life changing."

She had planned a glamorous reception at a nearby hotel and had even made her own wedding stationary.

Now the couple plan to marry at a simple ceremony in January with just close friends and family. No animals or children allowed.

Mr Woods, said "You can't put in to words the shock of the situation. When we got there she was lying in the road covered in blood with a paramedic telling her not to move. Obviously it was awful as everything had been paid for but I am just glad she is alright and I can't wait to get married next year."

If love and marriage goes together with a horse and carriage then they are doomed. Obb News gives them 3 years.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

What would John Smeaton do?

Cameron Tyler

Dundee, Scotland, Three men who had their faces covered, burst into 3000 RPM in the Westport in Dundee and held 10-inch blades to Cameron Tyler's face and side before taking his wallet, phone, money and goods from the computer equipment store.

The 23-year-old said he got through it by thinking about what Glasgow Airport hero John Smeaton would have done.

Mr Tyler told OBB news that he was sitting in the back of the store having a smoke and a cup of tea when he heard the door open.

He said: "I saw two men jumping the front desk and one coming round the side of the desk.

"They rushed me into the back of the shop, two held knives to my face, one to my side, they threatened to stab me several times.

"They robbed my pockets, then forced me to open the till, made me help them in getting a bag, they also wanted my mobile phone and wallet, the whole time threatening me at knifepoint they wouldn't even let me finish my fag."

Mr Tyler said his main priority was to survive the ordeal.

"I thought 'What would John Smeaton do?'

"They had a knife at me, they were willing to use it if I wasn't going to co-operate so I did what I had to do."

John Smeaton

John Smeaton hero of the Glasgow airport attack said from his Glasgow penthouse: " If I was there I would have melted the knives with my steely gaze and then kicked all three robbers in the knackers making them choke on their own gonads and then I'd have a smoke break."

Mr Tyler is not afraid of being back at work. "They're going to get caught, so they're not going to be able to do it again.

"For what they got in the end it wasn't really worth it. Stealing cars, robbing shops, armed robbery, it's not worth it, they're just idiots."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bush Survives Deadly Shoe Attack

Baghdad, Iraq, On trip shrouded in secrecy , President George W. Bush hailed progress in the war that defines his presidency.

Shortly after a journalist for Al-Baghdadia television, an Iraqi-owned station based in Cairo, Egypt tried to assassinate him .

The man hurled two size 10 shoes at him that he had managed to smuggle in past security on his feet.

Muntadar al-Zeidi shouted in Arabic "This is a farewell kiss, you dog!"

Bush using his super fast presidential reflexes ducked both shoes as they whizzed past his head and landed with a thud against the wall behind him.

"The war is not over," Bush said, adding that "it is decisively on it's way to being won."

Nearly 150,000 almost victorious U.S. troops remain in Iraq fighting a war . More than 4,209 members of the U.S. military have died in the conflict, which has cost U.S. taxpayers $576 billion since it began five years and nine months ago. It would have only cost $ 200 billion had another company than Haliburton been hired to supply troops.

"There is still more work to be done," Bush said after his meeting with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, "But its not my problem now so good luck."

It was at that point the journalist stood up and threw a shoe from about 20 feet away. Bush ducked, and it narrowly missed his head. The second shoe came quickly, and Bush ducked again while several Iraqis grabbed the man and dragged him to the floor.

In Iraqi culture, throwing shoes at someone is a sign of contempt. Iraqis whacked a statue of Saddam with their shoes after U.S. marines toppled it to the ground following the 2003 invasion.

White House press secretary Dana Perino suffered an eye injury in the news conference melee. Bush brushed off the incident, comparing it to political protests at home.

"So what if I guy threw his shoe at me?" he said. "A week of water boarding should sort him out."

After the news conference, the president took a 15-minute helicopter ride through dark skies over Baghdad to Camp Victory. Telling hundreds of troops he was "heading into retirement so if you die its not on my watch." Bush blamed Saddam for the 2003 invasion saying, "He was asking for it" and said, "America is safer and more secure" than it was before the war.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Warts Are For The Weak

A south Lebanon farmer has grown a massive tumor out of his right hand, he now hopes to enter the Guinness World Records book.

“This giant weighs 11.3 kilos,” Khalil Semhat said at his farm in the Tyre area, 85 kilometres south of Beirut.

“I’ve been working the hand since I was a boy, and it’s the first time I’ve seen anything like it.” Semhat, 56, said he had not done anything special to inspire the monster but does masturbate a lot . “I didn’t use any chemicals at all,” he insisted, adding that he had to ask a friend to help him haul his huge growth around.

Now he hopes the find will get a mention in the famous Guinness book, and said he is working on a tumor near his left nipple for possible inclusion next year.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Old Women Don't Have Brains

London, England. Archaeologists have discovered what they say is the oldest surviving human brain in Britain, dating back at least 2,000 years to the Iron Age.

The remains of the brain were found in a skull unearthed during excavations at York University in northern England, not a place you'd normally find brains.

They believe the male skull, which was found on its own in a muddy pit, may have been a ritual offering dating back to at least 300 BC just before noon on a Tuesday.

Rachel Cubitt, who was taking part in the dig, described how she felt something move inside the cranium as she cleaned the soil-covered skull's outer surface. Peering through the base of the skull, she spotted an unusual yellow substance.

"It jogged my memory of a university lecture on the rare survival of ancient brain tissue. We gave the skull special conservation treatment as a result, and sought expert medical opinion while I was having a rash looked at," she said in a statement to OBB News.

Philip Duffey, Consultant Neurologist at the Hospital said: "I'm amazed and excited that scanning has shown structures which appear to be unequivocally of brain origin. I think that it will be very important to establish how these structures have survived, whether there are traces of biological material within them and, if not, what is their composition. It is thought that pre-14th century brains were composed of cauliflower."

Dr Sonia O'Connor, Research Fellow in Archaeological Sciences at the University of Bradford added: "The survival of brain remains where no other soft tissues are preserved is extremely rare. This brain is particularly exciting because it is very well preserved, and shows that men obviously have the best brains and maybe women of that period didn't have brains as none have been found ."

Earlier this year, the skeleton of a man believed to be one of Britain's earliest victims of tuberculosis was discovered in a shallow grave. Radiocarbon dating suggests that the man died in the fourth century late-Roman period and had a small willy.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Swept Away

A romantic marriage proposal on the Oregon coast turned deadly for the bride-to-be when a wave swept her out to sea.

Police don't suspect foul play in the disappearance of Leafil Alforque . Thick fog and dangerous water conditions off Neskowin Beach hampered the rescue efforts, and the search was called off .

Scott Napper had a ring in his pocket and planned to pop the question to Alforque, 22, at Proposal Rock, which got its name from couples ready to marry. Except he got his rocks wrong and picked Death Rock instead.

Napper said the tide had receded around the rock when the couple began to walk to it, but then a massive wave around 3 feet high suddenly came in.

"I turned into it to keep from getting pulled under it," Napper said. By the time he turned to find Alforque, who was only 4-foot-11, she had been caught by the receding waters.

"She was about 30 feet away, getting swept away," Napper said.

The 45-year-old Silverton man tore off his jacket to get rid of any extra weight as he already had enough of his own, and when he looked up again she was gone.

"That's the last I saw of her," the geezer that doesn't do 'swimming to the rescue' said , breaking into tears.

"I yelled for her," he said. "I was praying to God not to let a hot chick half my age who was willing to have sex with me die."

God was too busy handing out Darwin awards.

Napper and Alforque had been dating since they met on the Internet in 2005. Alforque arrived in Oregon on a visa from the Philippines just three days before the fateful trip to the coast.

The two had already set a wedding date for this week, but he wanted to use the moment to make a formal proposal and give Alforque the ring as he was broke after paying for the flight over to book a restaurant.

Her 25-year-old sister, Nova Alforque, said the family hopes the body can be recovered.
"My mother is always crying, day and night," Nova Alforque said by telephone from the Philippines. "She wants my sister back. Even if she is dead, she wants her body to bury."

Don't worry Mr Napper the Philippines is full of young barely legal desperate girls that want to live in America. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Burger Batter

Florida, North America, A Vero Beach man faces charges after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger.

Vincent Gonzalez, 22, and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home.

Gonzalez would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed a Quarter pounder cheeseburger into her face.

The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man took the McDonald's burger and put it on her face again.

The man was released on $1,000 bond but may face attempted murder charges as his girlfriend is lactose intolerant.

McDonald's have refused to take any responsibility for selling comestibles that can be used as dangerous weapons.

A McDonald's spokesman said: "The dressings were centred the pickles were side by side not touching and the two slices of cheese were star shaped at the point of purchase. What the customer does with it after that is not our concern."

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Breasts Are A Knockout

Uganda the country that consumes the most alcohol in the world has the breast crime ever.

Gangs of women have been tricking men into sniffing their chloroform laced breasts, knocking them out.
When the men awake, they are usually naked, and without any of their possessions. Not the happy ending they thought they were going to get.

The police have managed to capture one of the women and are currently focusing their attention on the perkiness of the source of the sedatives .

Be careful whose boobies you plant your face and motorboat in as you never know. There is a lesson for all men here but will we listen?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Life On Mars?

The Tofu 2 satellite took this image of what appears to be a structure on the planet Mars that resembles a face. Many in the scientific community claim it to be a sign of intelligent life on Mars while others have dismissed it as a trick of the light.