Monday, March 31, 2008

Head On Up

Dr Luis de la Cruz ,47, has developed the procedure to help short people to get a head in life. He can add up to 2 inches to a person's height by inserting a silicone head implant.

During a 90-minute operation an incision is made in the side of the head and the implant squeezed in between the skull and the scalp. The operation costs from £4,000 and is performed using a local anaesthetic.

Patients are usually released from hospital the next day, and the only sign they have had surgery is a small scar usually covered by their hair and a bulbous head that explodes at high altitudes.

The idea came to him when he was approached by a young woman who had always dreamed of becoming an air stewardess for some reason. She had been rejected for being half an inch too small.

The average implant is just over 1in (3cm) high and the maximum of 2in (5cm) requires two operations - the first to stretch the scalp he has already carried out the operation on 17 patients.

These boob heads have been happy with the results though many feel different than normal heads and don't look natural .

Clinical psychologist Javier Hernandez said: "People should think long and hard before having this surgery."

He said one man who had a long and painful leg-lengthening surgery to join the Army deserted after six months because he was unhappy.

Then again does that sound like the actions of a sane person having your legs repeatedly broken and stretched in order to join the army ?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

UFO Fake Gets Too Much Coverage

In 2007 pictures of what is known as the “California Drone” were published on the Internet. This picture was taken by someone named Raji in Capitola, California who closed his e-mail account and vanished soon afterwards.

I guess if you are going to post fakes on the Internet you should have the guts to stand by them as I have my two UFO stories from this year show.

UFO seen by crowd

California UFO makes headlines

OBB News is disgusted at such a blatant fake . It looks as if someone took parts of one of the experimental US unmanned drones from the 1980's and put extra bits onto it.

UFOologists are usually intelligent ex Trekkies from the science community and not idiots to have their valuable time of playing World of Warcraft in their parents basement wasted on such hoaxes.

Please people we here at OBB News ask you not to believe everything you read on the Internet as it is full tricksters and agents of disinformation.
It makes you wonder why this is coming out now into the mainstream after 10 months.

Sex On A Walking Stick

Ten women will show off their beauty and brains , balancing abilities and their landmine injuries in Angola in a competition to win a golden prosthetic limb and the title of Miss Landmine 2008.

The project, created by Norwegian theater director Morten Traavik, is designed to raise awareness of the plight of landmine survivors.

The idea for Miss Landmine was born four years ago when Traavik traveled to Angola's capital, Luanda, and was struck by two things, the country's landmine problem, from the more than 20 years of civil war, and Angolans' love of beauty pageants.

Up to 80,000 people are estimated to have been injured by landmines in Angola, according to the International Campaign to Ban Landmines.

Angola is in the top three countries in the world in terms of mine problems; Afghanistan and Cambodia being the other two.

The women range in age from 19 to 35 and represent their home provinces. Almost all were injured while tending fields or fleeing soldiers in the 1980s and '90s, according to their pageant biographies. Most are unemployed.

Among them are Ana Diogo, representing Benguela, who lost the lower half of her left leg in 1984 when an Italian-made anti-personnel device exploded while she was tending fields. She sells tomatoes on the street when she can find them, according to her biography.

Maria da Fatima Conceicao, a 19-year-old photographed last year while pregnant, is Miss Moxico. She lost her leg in 1999 in the fields. She "can do everything, but there is no job," and dreams of one day being a boss, it doesn't stop the old sex life though.

Last November, the women were flown to the Angolan capitol, where they participated in a photo shoot ahead of the pageant.

"They really had great fun," Traavik said, for their work, the women were paid $200 a day and given the clothing and jewelry they wore for the shoot.

They also attended a course on how to marry a rich but gullible millionaire like Heather Mills who is the icon of stumpies everywhere.

Pageants based on disabilities are nothing new, with contestants in America participating in the Ms. Wheelchair America contest and the Mr Fat American on a Power-scooter contest, according to Steven E. Brown, an assistant professor at the Center on Disability Studies at the University of Hawaii at Manoa.

The Miss Landmine contest was an interesting idea, Brown said. And will open the door to awareness of such problems, as will Miss Aids, Miss Starvation and Miss Ebola, other pageants that are also being considered.

Traavik is already planning for a Miss Landmine Cambodia competition in late 2008 or early 2009.

"Obviously, the pageant is not a goal in itself," Traavik said. "It's a means to an end or it's a means to a beginning of something new, a new way of alerting to the landmine problem but also a new way of perceiving disabled people as hotties, especially in their own local communities."

The Angolan national one legged football team failed to make it to the last leg of the last world cup but showed great enthusiasm.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Wal-Mart Sues Disabled Woman

In Jackson, Missouri, Debbie Shank, 52, suffered severe brain damage after a traffic accident in 2000 and breaks down in tears every time she's told that her 18-year-old son, Jeremy, was killed in Iraq.

The mother of three attended her son's funeral, but she continues to ask how he's doing. When her family reminds her that he's dead, she weeps as if hearing the news for the first time. She lives in a wheelchair and living in a nursing home.

The Wal-Mart employee received about $470,000 from the retailer's health plan for medical expenses, but the company has sued to get the payout back.

Eight years ago, Shank was stocking shelves for the retail giant and signed up for Wal-Mart's health and benefits plan.

Two years after the accident, Shank and her husband, Jim, were awarded about $1 million in a lawsuit against the trucking company involved in the crash.

After legal fees were paid, $417,000 was placed in a trust to pay for Debbie Shank's long-term care.Wal-Mart had paid out about $470,000 for Shank's medical expenses and later sued for the same amount.

However, the court ruled it can only recoup what is left in the family's trust.

The Shanks didn't notice in the fine print of Wal-Mart's health plan policy that the company has the right to recoup medical expenses if an employee collects damages in a lawsuit.

The Shanks lost their suit to Wal-Mart. Last summer, the couple appealed the ruling but also lost it. To add to their misery one week later, their son was killed in Iraq.

"They are quite within their rights. But I just wonder if they need it that bad," Jim Shank said 54, who is recovering from prostate cancer, works two jobs and struggling to pay the bills.

In 2007, the retail giant reported net sales in the third quarter of $90 billion.

Legal or not, OBB News asked Wal-Mart why the company pursued the money and does it like being a heartless money grabbing faceless corporation that makes Osama Bin Laden look like a nice person?

Wal-Mart spokesman John Simley, who called Debbie Shank's case "unbelievably sad," replied in a statement: "Wal-Mart's plan is bound by very specific rules. ... We wish it could be more flexible in Mrs. Shank's case since her circumstances are clearly extraordinary but we don't care, this is done out of fairness to all associates who contribute to, and benefit from, the plan.

"Jim Shank said he believes Wal-Mart should make an exception.

"My idea of a win-win is you keep the paperwork that says you won and let us keep the money so I can take care of my wife," he said.

The family's situation is so dire that last year Jim Shank divorced Debbie, so she could receive more money from Medicaid.

"Who needs the money more? A disabled lady in a wheelchair with no future, whatsoever, or does Wal-Mart need $90 billion, plus $200,000?" he asked.

"She'll never be able to work again. Never have a relationship with her husband or children again.

The damage she recovered was for much more than just medical expenses."Graham said he believes Wal-Mart should be entitled to only about $100,000.

Right now, about $277,000 remains in the trust -- far short of the $470,000 Wal-Mart wants back.

Refusing to give up the fight, the Shanks appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court. But just last week, the high court said it would not hear the case as obviously it might make them look bad if they ruled against a brain damaged woman who lost her son defending his country.

The Shanks have exhausted all their resources and there's nothing more they can do but go on with their lives.

Jim Shank said he's disappointed with the Supreme Court's decision not to hear the case not for the sake of his family but for those who might face similar circumstances.

For now, he said the family will figure out a way to get by and "do the best we can for Debbie."

"Luckily, she's oblivious to everything," he said. "We don't tell her what's going on because it will just upset her.

OBB News suspects that Wal-Mart associates would not mind an exception being made in the case of the Shanks and hopes that Wal-Mart who constantly cuts corners with quality will not cut anymore corners with compassion.

Hug A Hoodie

The leading American magazine "Time Magazine" has straddled its moral high horse and says that British youngsters drink far more than their European counterparts, are more frequently involved in violence and are more likely to try drugs, adding that English girls are the most sexually active in Europe.

It also pours scorn upon the parenting abilities of the British, claiming they do not spend enough time with their children and cannot cope.

The magazine criticises the class-driven society of the UK its education system and binge-drinking culture.

Alcohol Concern noted that one in three British men and one in five women drink double the amount considered safe at least once a week.

David Miliband the secretary of state for foreign and commonwealth affairs said: " And your point is ?"

Serious Sports Fans

In the state of Washington a 37-year-old man wearing Pittsburgh Steelers attire took his daughters to a Mile Hill Drive fast food restaurant Saturday evening, and "began trading friendly barbs with an employee about his team and their victory over the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL."

The employee told the man that he'd "better not say that to the guy that's making your food," but the man thought it was a joke until he opened his hamburger and discovered what he called a "loogie" on it, otherwise known as a "greener".

He told his daughters to stop eating, demanded a refund and called the restaurant's district manager.

A deputy was informed by the manager that the person responsible may be a 24-year-old South Kitsap man a fanatical Seattle Seahawks fan who was near his quitting time when the incident occurred. He also failed to show up for work the next day, the manager said.

The deputy went to the 24-year-old's house, and when he knocked on the door, a voice from inside yelled that he "wasn't buying any ... girl scout cookies," the deputy said.

The deputy told him, "I won't sell you any," and when the man opened the door, the deputy "was immediately confronted with the strong odor of burnt marijuana."

The man brought the deputy a bag of marijuana and was arrested. The man also confessed to spitting in the man's hamburger to "gross him out ... because he was a Steelers fan."

He was booked into the Kitsap County jail for fourth-degree assault and possession of marijuana, given a good beating and then released.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Pooka Made Me Do It

US president George Bush reveals that the power behind the throne is not the evil dark lord Cheney but is in fact a Pooka, a Celtic Faery which takes the form of 6 foot tall white rabbit named Harvey.

Do You Know The Egg McMuffin Man?

Herb Peterson, who won the Nobel peace prize in 1974 for inventing the Egg McMuffin for McDonald's restaurants, has died at his Santa Barbara home after choking on a Jack in the box breakfast burrito he was 89.

The Egg McMuffin made its debut in 1972 at a restaurant in Santa Barbara that Peterson co-owned with his son, David Peterson.

Peterson visited all six of his stores in the Santa Barbara area until last year when his health began to deteriorate due to an unhealthy lifestyle and diet .

Monte Fracker, vice president of operations for McDonald's restaurants in Santa Barbara said: "He would talk to the customers, visit with the employees, give them busy work and fire a few of them. He loved McDonald's."

Peterson is survived by his wife, son and three daughters.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Touched By A Bigfoot

Gene R. Morrill, 57, of New Ipswich New Hampshire was sentenced to serve 20 years in prison yesterday for child molestation-related activities.

Morrill told an investigator about how he was sexually assaulted himself by the legendary Bigfoot, said to be between 7 and 10 feet tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair. He asked for leniency under the circumstances as it was a very traumatic time for him, he was picking out dark reddish brown hairs from his teeth for weeks.

Morrill was determined to be mentally competent to stand trial. He was caught by detectives as he tried to make Internet contact with children and others while pretending to be young boys. His own criminal record includes a rape conviction involving a child in New Hampshire.

Bigfoot denies all claims of molestation and says it was consensual.

Mugabe A New Hope For America ?

Ex college professor Robert Mugabe and now the president of Zimbabwe has announced plans to run as an independent in the up and coming US presidential elections. It has been discovered that Mugabe was born in Texas but grew up in Zimbabwe holds dual citizenship.

Backed by millionaire Nicholas Van Hoogstraten he will run on the platform of land and welfare reform and hopes to get the really black votes .

George Bush Announces Something

US president George Bush appeared on the USS Deathstar
under a banner that read, 'Close Enough For Government Work' on Wednesday to announce that the wars of terror in Afghanistan and Iraq have been an overwhelming success.

According to the 3 Iraqi people they spoke to who now live in Sweden they feel 100% more safe than they did 5 years ago and now have running water and healthcare, things they didn't have under Saddam.

George Bush went on to say: " Its not the winning that matters its the taking part that counts and I believe we took part.
When we invaded Iran and toppled Saddam and destroyed the mythical weapons of most destruction we did a whole heck of good."

When asked about the soldiers still fighting and dying in those wars he said: " You have my word that if we don't falter and stay the course then the etholagisms will render themselves safe."

OBB News believes the president is prone to make up words.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Claims Of Condoleezza Mind Power Blows Minds

It has been claimed by many White house staffers that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has amazing mind powers that can make a person's head explode.

Former White House spokesman Scott McClellan said , " Rice is more deadly than Cheney the soul stealer because she tends to grow bored more easier and will explode an intern's head for fun if the mood takes her. Don't be fooled by her sexy exterior that woman is a demon in human form."

A protester for the extremist feminist group "Codepink" recently soon found out the power of Condoleezza's "stink eye" when she entered the Secretary of State's killing zone.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson denounced such claims as "The utmost lunacy" and added, Ms Rice is one of the most compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent and wonderful people he has had the privilege to work with and is in no way shape or form a demon with evil mind powers."

He also begged us to ensure that Ms Rice got a copy of his statement and that he loved his family very much.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Celebrity Moments

Suri Cruise playfully chomps on a scientologist donor member while proud mother Katie looks on.

Burger Boy Makes It Big

At a McDonald's store in Cardiff Luke Pittard has won crew member of the month 18 times in a row. Pittard, 25, won £1.3million on the National Lottery 18 months ago.

He celebrated in the usual way, buying a new home getting some lipo suction a few sheep and splashing out on a lavish wedding to his girlfriend Emma Cox, 29 a fellow worker and holiday in the Canary Islands.

Then he realised that he missed his job, the smell of the grease, clearing tables after customers have eaten like pigs, the unblocking of toilets and working with lazy idiot teenagers.

He asked for his job back flipping burgers for £5.85 an hour .

He loved working at McDonald's before becoming a millionaire and had made a lot of good friends and now after his win he has made more and is now considered management material.

McDonald's manager Katherine Jones said: "Luke was always a great member of our team and when he won the lottery we were all so pleased for him, its nice that good things happen to ugly people it shows you we are all loved equally by god."

Romani Revenge ?

The smell of campfires and the soft sound of violins on the air. To some that conjures up an image of mysterious romance but to the people of Warwickshire its a nightmare.

Dozens of gipsies that were evicted from Newham and Hackney, East London, to prepare for the 2012 Olympics have found a new home. Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell was involved in that decision.

In an ironic twist the Romanies have bought a plot of land and have set up their camp in a field a quarter of a mile from the £1 million country retreat of Tessa Jowell and her estranged husband David Mills.

The 30 gipsy caravans swarmed on to the two-and-half-acre field, along with three diggers and a fleet of lorries, vans and four-wheel-drive vehicles, on Good Friday knowing council enforcement officers would be on holiday and no one would be there to stop them.

"It's a bit muddy now," said one of their number, father of 14 Jason Buckley, 38 but soon we'll have water and electricity .

"People treat us worse than pigs but we are not bad people. There are good gipsies and bad gipsies, like there are good and bad in any community, and we are the good ones. We are English Romanies. We have jobs like roofing and fitting PVC windows, we may steal the odd baby but who doesn't? "

One mother of four living in a nearby barn conversion with the large red doors and a silver mini van parked outside, who did not want to give her name for fear of reprisals, said: "In the 15 years I've lived here it's always been a safe area where you can leave your door open.
Now we'll all have to be a bit more careful and close our doors. No doubt if they're allowed to stay, house prices round here will be hit too."

Another elderly woman said: "It makes me so mad that they've come like this I hate bloody violins . It'll make me think twice before leaving home in case they rape me with their strong Gypsy hands and Romani lust , I have to walk past that camp 4 times a day, well I don't have to."

Mr Mills was at their home and commented about the gipsy situation when he briefly came out on to his rear patio which overlooks the camp.

"What has happened is a fairly outrageous breach of planning law," he said. "Those Tinkers have done a hell of a lot in a short time . I am genuinely sympathetic to people like them as long as they are not near me .

"We all need a place to live but, equally so, all have to obey the planning laws. I'm sure the council will deal with the matter ruthlessly and quickly."

Monday, March 24, 2008

Money Can Buy Happiness

Harry Potter creator J.K. Rowling who is always one to get herself into the headlines has revealed she thought of killing herself while penniless and suffering from depression as a single mother.

At the time, Rowling had separated from her first husband and was living in a cramped apartment with her baby daughter. She was only able to pay the rent after a friend had given her £600 for sexual favours.

"We're talking suicidal thoughts here, we're not talking 'I'm a little bit miserable,'" Rowling said.

"Mid-twenties life circumstances were poor and I really plummeted. The thing that made me go for help . . . was probably my daughter.

"She was something that earthed me, grounded me, and I thought, this isn't right, this can't be right, she cannot grow up with me in this state."

Old Knudsen who has been there himself said: " I know after I watched a couple of the Harry Potter films I to wanted to kill J.K. Rowling the Hollywood sell out and myself but I couldn't do that to the world of blogging."

After the last couple of sub-standard books JK Rowling wouldn't have been blamed for wanting to end it all except she was too probably too busy laughing her way to the bank as she is now one of the world's richest women due to the success of her Harry Potter books.

Fellow author Terry Pratchett commented on the news about Rowling: " Er I was going to say something, its on the tip of my tongue no its gone."

Ghost Hunters Catch Ghost On Film

Ghost hunters from Cheshire Paranormal Society (CPS) took this photo during an investigation on the historic Exington castle, near Wrexham, the scene of a number of sightings.

This ghostly figure is standing in a doorway that leads to the stables that at one time were used as dungeons, according to Cheshire Paranormal Society chairman John Hillington.

At the time members hadn't realised what was apparently standing in front of them, but some group members had reported feeling tingling scalps and itching between their toes also other paranormal activity was recorded, such as so-called orbs of light and that not so fresh feeling.

It's thought three ghosts haunt the castle a young drummer boy and a lady in white and a lady in grey.

Members believe this photo shows the ghost of the white lady who, the history books say, was well known in the area 400 years ago. She killed herself after hearing that her husband who was being held prisoner was executed.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

A Lust For Living

The Godfather of Punk Iggy Pop has revealed that he has under gone a live embalming process that will enable him to live forever.

The singer had his blood replaced by an embalming fluid, the same liquid that was injected into Gary Busey's brain after his 1988 motorcycle accident that fractured his skull and left him with permanent brain damage.

Iggy Pop can do everything and more after his procedure, the 74 year-old no longer needs to eat or sleep and floats like a log when in water. Now if only he would put on a shirt.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Monster Hunter Returns

Gordon Holmes a ginger amateur scientist made headlines around the world last year when he filmed footage of what he claimed could be the Loch Ness monster.

Now he is back with a pseudo scientific project which he hopes will prove the mythical creature exists.

He has already had some success at capturing what he believes is the Loch Ness Monster, on film at least though the jury is out on whether it is some real creature like a seal or an otter .

The footage taken by him last year of something in the water has been viewed almost 1.5 million times on the Internet.

Now he is launching a sonar and video scan of the loch. Gordon's experiment will see his two vessels travel throughout the Urquhart Bay area.
He is hopeful that a year on from his now famous sighting, he will finally be able to prove that there is something out there in the waters of Loch Ness besides lots of fish and numerous hoaxes that have sunk to the bottom .

This is one of the most famous monster photos in the world. The photographer said it was a photo of Scotland's famous Loch Ness monster, taken in 1933 by a gynaecologist named Robert Kenneth Wilson.
Decades later the photographer confessed, that it was a fake, it had been a toy submarine with a fake head rigged up as a hoax.

Another famous picture of the monster turned out to an elephant in Sri lanka.

The Loch Ness monster is a multimillion dollar industry. Half a million tourists flock to the loch each year hoping to catch a glimpse of the monster even though scientific evidence for it is negligible.
This has spawned an employment boom, with the monster industry creating 2,500 jobs. Real or not many other places around the world have learned from this an found they also had a monster for the Sci-Fi Channel to investigate.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Paris Hilton Joins Scientology

In a bid to garner support from the Hollywood elite Tom Cruise has enlisted Paris Hilton into the ranks of Scientology.

In a statement given by Paris earlier this week she refused to give any details but said: " I am very interested in science and all the good it has done for the world and thing and as a scientologist I hope to some day invent or market something that will help the poor people in Africa or Asia ."

When asked if she had read any of L.Ron Hubbards books she gave a blank stare and said: "No but I've seen all the movies."

Death Ray Strikes Again

When Steve Irwin, the host of the "Crocodile Hunter" television show was killed a Stingray while filming underwater on Australia's Great Barrier Reef in 2006 when its barb pierced his heart most people assumed it was a freak accident and maybe he just got a little too close.

Others have hinted at a secret Stingray agenda to eradicate mankind.
Also in 2006 an eagle ray was swimming in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and couldn't contain its lust for murder so on a suicide mission it jumped into the boat of James Bertakis, 81, and stabbed him in the chest.
He survived after doctors removed the barb through surgery. The animal died on the boat.

Only last week did another eagle ray on some kind of bid for martyrdom leap onto a boat off the Florida Keys on Thursday and stabbed a 55 year-old Michigan woman in the neck with its barb, knocking her to the deck and killing her.

"It's a bizarre accident or was it an accident?," said Jorge Pino, an agent with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.
The woman and her family were aboard a boat in the Atlantic Ocean, off the city of Marathon in the Florida Keys, he said."A large ray jumped out of the water and collided with the victim and in a highly skilled move stabbed her with its barb ," Pino said.

Eagle rays are common in warm or tropical waters and are often seen near coral reefs. The spotted creatures can grow to more than 8 feet across and have two to six short, venomous barbs near the base of their whip-like tails, according to the Florida Museum of Natural History's Web site.
The rays often swim near the water's surface and can leap out, especially when pursued, but are generally shy of humans except for those they want to kill.
All three victims had been members of the 'Save the whale conservation fund' police are investigating a connection.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Suicide At Mel Gibson Home

Breaking News

A construction worker committed suicide at one of Mel Gibson's homes .

It happened at Mel's Agoura Hills home near Malibu. The construction worker was 48-years-old. We're told he hung himself as he was depressed after Mel had visited the site to find his favourite actor whom he idolised was only 5ft 4 inches tall .
The body was found by the job site foreman.

Mel was not at the house when the body was discovered. No one from Gibson's family was living at the house it is currently under heavy construction.

Gibson was not available for a comment but fellow action star Bruce Willis said that it was a terrible tragedy and for the record he himself is 5 ft 11 inches tall.

Mythical Giant Worm Found Under California Streets

Mysterious holes have been appearing all over sidewalks in Southern California. The holes extent for metres below the surface and interconnect. Drainage systems and underground cables have been damaged as if chewed through.

The Californian department of Highway safety along with the department of wildlife have been looking into the holes and even set up motion detection cameras at some of the entrances. After 3 weeks the culprit was caught on camera.

The creature is a south Asian bore worm and until now only existed on the border of Zoology and Cryptozoology with
inconclusive evidence of them actually being real.

Scott Barr of the California dept of wildlife said: " I've never seen anything in my life that could chew through cement like that. Not much is known about the bore worm or how it got here but going by the amount of holes we've investigated I'd bet theres a whole colony of them underground."

Eradication or conservation is now the issue for the bore worms future.
The Asian bore worm lives off garden debris and is an opportunistic feeder that will also life off grubs baby mammals like gophers and will happily munch on carrion.
They are brown or reddish in colour and can grow up to 12 metres in length. Their three steel like teeth have been known to chew through 8 inches of concrete.

Fruit Loops Want Corn Flake

Two sisters turned to eBay to sell something they found in a cereal box.

Not a free toy but a corn flake that, according to them, resembles the American state of Illinois.

Bids have topped $500, they ate the one that looked like Texas as who would be stupid enough to buy that?

The sisters say they'll use the profits to buy more breakfast food. "We like cereal," one says.

Never mind talk of a recession what idiot would spend even a dollar on a single corn flake? Maybe they are collecting all the states. This reporter is off to nibble at the edges of a cornflake.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A Space At The Captain's Table

Captain Birds Eye the cod addicted naval captain from the popular fish finger adverts, has died aged 86. He represented the Birds Eye company from 1967 until 1998.

Best known for directing the films The English Patient, Truly, Madly, Deeply and Cold Mountain he was the author of more than 100 fiction and non-fiction books, and his writings are credited by many observers with giving science fiction a human and practical face.
He collaborated on the screenplay for 2001: A Space Odyssey with Stanley Kubrick, a film which both confused and bored many of its viewers due to it being confusing and boring.

Because most of the crew of his ship were pre-teen children in 1998 he faced allegations of child abuse, which he strenuously denied, this caused the confirmation of a knighthood to be delayed.

Sir Birds Eye was cleared by an investigation but never again appeared in adverts. He died near his home in Sri Lanka during a jet-ski accident. His young firm bodied crew are said to be devastated and will miss his fish fingers greatly.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Robbie Williams Searches For Aliens

British pop singer Robbie Williams has become obsessed with extra terrestrials that he is planning to buy an observatory in Arizona for 2.5million pounds, pretty good considering the pound sterling is worth twice the amount of the US dollar .

The singer who has had hits with the songs Angels, Millennium and many more has been visiting the National Optical Astronomy Observatories in Tucson, Arizona, to peer through the telescopes looking into space.

"Some of Robbie’s acquaintances in LA have been having a chuckle at his expense," The British gutter press Sun news tabloid quoted a source, as saying.

“He is leading a bizarre existence at the moment vanishing into the desert to look at stars in far-flung galaxies. He is dead set on buying himself his own observatory in the desert. He is hooked on all things from outer space and has all the X-Files on DVD,” the source added.

Williams had earlier confessed that he had experienced three dramatic sightings of UFOs in LA and his desire to hang up his mic to study aliens after his ET experiences and his recent musical flops have helped him to decide.

He said: “I’m stopping being a pop star. I’m going to be a ufologist.”

Old Knudsen who has had many unexplained encounters in his time said: " The lad is a young rich star who has probably had enough of c**ts ' having a chuckle at his expense' if more people were curious about things past their own nose the world would be a better place besides the desert is a beautiful place and the best place to see stars without light pollution, lets just hope he doesn't end up in the 4th dimension with Steve Fossett."

Hillary's Perky Cheers Brought Peace To Northern Ireland

Hillary Clinton the New York senator has cited her involvement in the Northern Ireland peace process as an example of her foreign policy credentials and accused Barack Obama of "nitpicking".

Mrs Clinton visited Northern Ireland several times while her husband Bill was US president as he was involved in the negotiations which led to 1998's Good Friday Agreement.

"I actually went to Belfast more than Bill did as part of what I was doing to help the process," she said.

Mrs Clinton added that she continues to be engaged with leaders from Northern Ireland and questioned whether Mr Obama could say the same.

"Just this week I was called to meet with the secretary of state for Northern Ireland," said Mrs Clinton.

Former SDLP leader John Hume has come out in support of Mrs Clinton over the issue.

"I am quite surprised that anyone would suggest that Hillary Clinton did not perform important foreign policy work as first lady," he said.

However, former UUP leader David Trimble has likened her role to that of a "cheerleader".

"I don't know there was much she did apart from accompanying Bill going around," he said.

Mr Hume and Trimble jointly won the Nobel prize for peace for their efforts in the peace negotiations.

Woman Travels With Old Bag Of Bones

Munich, Germany , A woman was stopped at Munich airport after baggage control handlers found the skeleton of her brother sealed in a plastic bag in her luggage.

The 62-year-old woman and her 63-year-old friend, who both live in Italy, were hauled in by airport police after a scan of the bag showed a human skull and other bones.

The women were traveling to Italy from Brazil. It turned out that the lazy woman was trying to fulfill the last wish of her brother who died 11 years ago in Sao Paulo, Brazil to be buried in Italy so she let him rot until he fitted into the baggy.
The travelers produced the appropriate papers from Brazilian authorities for the transport of skeletons in suitcases , and were allowed to carry on their way to Naples.
Just a normal day in the life of an airport.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Danny Me Boy, Is That The Chattanooga Choo Choo?

In New York ,Shaun Clancy, who owns Foley's Pub and Restaurant, just off Fifth Avenue opposite the Empire State Building does not want the song "Danny Boy" played or sung during St Patrick's day or for the month of March as its been ranked among the 25 most depressing songs of all time.

A pub near Detroit AJ's Cafe is staging a "Danny Boy" marathon on St. Patrick's Day weekend, offering 1,000 renditions of the song over 50 hours and a free Guinness for the first 20 suicide attempts.

The song's lyrics were written by English lawyer Frederick Edward Weatherly, who never visited Ireland.
The Legend of the Beloved Irish Ballad." Weatherly's sister-in-law had sent him the music to an old Irish song called "The Derry Air." His new version was published in 1913 and became a huge hit when opera singer Ernestine Schumann-Heink recorded it in 1915.

Some say it is symbolic of the great Irish diaspora, with generations of Irish fleeing the potato famine starting around 1850.
Others have guessed it is sung by a mother grieving for her son or even by a desolate lover depending on how one hears lyrics like "The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying/ 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide."

Like most sad Irish songs they are sung to invoke picture postcard memories of Ireland by people who have moved abroad and only miss the wet cold homeland after a few pints.

Another old favourite and the unofficial anthem of Dublin known as "Cockles and Mussels," the song tells the tale of a beautiful fishmonger who plies her trade on city streets and dies young of a fever.

Ah how the Irish love to cry into their pints.

Old Knudsen whose people were once labeled as the 'Rebellious Irish' by the English as he is of Scots/Irish blood said: "I quite like the 'wearing of the green' which is an anonymous Irish street ballad dating to 1798 when the English forbid the wearing of shamrocks in the hats known as 'The caubeen' as this was an act of rebellion punishable by hanging, much like when the Sassenachs forbid the Scots to wear clan tartans, the English are a silly wee people sometimes.
Heres the first verse."

O Paddy dear, an' did ye hear the news that's goin' round?
The shamrock is by law forbid to grow on Irish ground;
St. Patrick's Day no more we'll keep, his colour can't be seen,
For there's a cruel law agin the wearin' o' the Green.

OBB News wishes all its readers a safe and happy St Patricks day and remember to drink irresponsibly.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Mysterious Cat Spotted In Ireland

A large cat-like animal has been spotted roaming wild close to where sheep have been mauled.

The garda (Irish police) are awaiting the results of laboratory tests on droppings found close to the dead livestock to determine the identity of the mystery killer.

Yesterday, they released a photograph of the creature, which was taken by a woman in the Ballylawn area of Manorcunningham, Co Donegal.

"It is taken from a distance, so it is impossible to be certain, but the woman who took the picture saw this animal up close in her garden and she knows it wasn't a dog as she has seen one of those on the telly," said Supt Vincent O'Brien.

He confirmed that garda had met with the local ISPCA inspector and the county's wildlife officer as concerns began to grow about the animal.

"We have got dropping samples and they've been sent away to Dublin for analysis where they will smell and taste test them, so we're not exactly sure what kind of animal we're dealing with.

However, the sightings report that it was a large, black, cat-type animal such as a cougar, that moved extremely fast across the fields, and was noticed crawling on its belly," he said.

He added that the latest mystery animal did not fit the description of another sighting in the same area a year ago.

"The one last year was brown and white. It was sighted a number of times and then it fizzled out.

"This one is described as black. We are asking people to be vigilant and anyone who sees it or anything cool like space men to report it to their local garda station ."

He confirmed the matter was now being treated "extremely seriously" by garda and a full-scale search was under way to find the animal which means their 2 police officers are keeping an eye out .

"We're not making any further comment at this stage and we don't want to alarm people in any way and create a panic," he said.

"We'd particularly appeal to any owner of exotic animals that may have escaped recently to contact us immediately as part of our inquiries or if the animal itself would surrender, that would be legend ."

The cougar or wild cat may have been dumped in Donegal by a circus crew or escaped from a zoo or maybe drifted on a piece of wood from South America.

Last year, a major hunt got under way in the North for a black panther along the north Antrim coastline and the Pink panther was seen in Ballyclare.

But it was called off when it was decided the animal had disappeared into the wild and it was way past dinner time for the searchers.
The Pink panther is thought to be a cartoon though police sources have not as yet confirmed this.

Two-Faced Child Maybe God

In the small rural village in Northern India people have gathered to worship a baby born with two faces. The baby is seen as an incarnation of God and people make offerings and ask for the baby's blessing.

The doctor who delivered her said she and her mother are healthy and doing well.

The baby girl's parents hope the government will help them give the little girl further treatment like double dentistry and eye care and help with the food costs as now they have two extra mouths to feed.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

They Arrested The Thong Man

A postman from Dorset, England was caught wearing stolen women's underwear after his bosses became suspicious that packages were going missing, a court heard.

Matthew Furness, 35, from Weymouth, admitted two charges of stealing postal packages belonging to Royal Mail, on 1 October and 6 December last year.

Furness was caught wearing a woman's thong taken from a parcel, after a sting operation by officials.

Weymouth Magistrates' Court heard how items were placed into his postbag with the wrong address, as part of a sting operation carried out by postal chiefs.

He was then caught on CCTV hiding the addresses on packages and keeping them for himself.

He denied stealing, saying he was being "stitched up", when he was first confronted and items were discovered in his jacket pocket.

The court heard when Furness was asked to strip by police looking for the missing underwear, he was found to be wearing the thong which he denied even existed. Several bras and DVD's have not been recovered

Ian Brazier, defending, told the court that Furness was an "opportunist" rather than a sophisticated thief and that he was undergoing counselling.

Prison Menu Not Good Enough For Picky Prisoners

200 Muslim inmates of HMP Leeds who were offered ham sandwiches during the holy month of Ramadan which is forbidden by Islam have received a letter of apology from the British Government.

Justice minister Jack Straw said in a letter that a "regrettable administrative error" led to the blunder and apologised for any offence caused to the Muslim community but they should really try them as they were quite tasty.

The Justice Secretary has ordered staff at the category B facility to be more diligent and prison officers will be re-trained to consider inmates' cultural and religious needs. Irish prisoners will be given alcohol for St Patrick's day and Satanists shall be given young virgin girls to sacrifice.

In October last year the sandwiches were on a menu created for the festival, which requires Muslims to fast in daylight, no one expected the inmates to be so picky as they are in prison after all.

Friday, March 14, 2008

A Rush Of Blood To The Head Cancels Date

Manuel Uribe once weighed 1,235 pounds, but he's managed to slim down by losing about 440 pounds. He is shown celebrating with champagne in March 2007, when he was able to leave his home for the first time in five years. A year later, Uribe was ready to go out on a date, but it didn't work out the way he planned.

Uribe was moved on his bed onto a flatbed truck in Monterrey, Mexico. He had planned to take his girlfriend on a picnic to celebrate her 61st birthday. But when the excitement made Uribe's blood pressure drop dramatically as he had gone out with one in the chamber which caused an erection letting him see his penis for the first time in years. Doctors advised him to cancel the outing.

Uribe, says he is still losing weight as he doesn't want to die a virgin, he still intends to take his girlfriend out to celebrate. They will try again on June 11, his 43rd birthday.

Ku Klux Klan Suffers Discrimination

The Redneck Shop is the only shop you need to buy your racist paraphernalia for that special someone . The store in Laurens, South Carolina, sells KKK robes, T-shirts with racial slurs and distributes white supremacist literature.
The man who owns the building the Redneck Shop is housed in is the Reverend David Kennedy a black civil rights activist.

The reverend wants to convert the old movie theater that houses the Redneck Shop into the home for his New Beginnings Missionary Baptist Church, which currently meets in a double-wide trailer and wants the KKK shop out.
A clause in the building's legal documents entitles Redneck Shop owner John Howard to operate his business in the building until he dies. We will keep you up-dated on any developments with that.

Old Knudsen who knew a black fella once said: " This is Martin Luther King JR's dream of races coexisting, its a pity the Rev Kennedy can't be more tolerant."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Catholic Bishop Knows What Is Best For Children

A Roman Catholic bishop will be forced to explain himself to MPs over fears that he is imposing religious "fundamentalism" on children. [Which is not a euphemism for anything else]

Patrick O'Donaghue, the Bishop of Lancaster, will be questioned over his ban on what he calls "values-free" sex education in Catholic schools in his diocese and his order to put up crucifixes in every classroom. Like in the United States images of torture is fine but sexuality is wrong.

He is to appear before the House of Commons select committee on children, schools and families follows a 666-page document he produced last year which angered some MPs because of its strict line on sexual morality.

In the document, called Fit for Mission?, Bishop O'Donaghue wrote: "The secular view on sex outside marriage, artificial contraception, sexually transmitted disease, including HIV and Aids, and abortion, may not be presented as neutral information as medical science has no place in such issues."

He said "so-called" safe sex was based on the "deluded theory that the condom can provide adequate protection against Aids, he was wearing two of them when he got aids so explain that one ".

And he added: "Schools and colleges must not sppport charities or groups that promote or fund anti-life policies, such as Red Nose Day , Save The Children Fund and Amnesty International, which now advocates abortion."

Although sex education is mandatory in all secondary schools, Bishop O'Donaghue insisted that in every lesson even science classes it must be taught solely in the context of "the sacrament of marriage which would then be totally neutral ".

The bishop who knows all about sex because he attended a 3 day course called, "Taking All Fun Out Of Life And Imposing Our Will On The Masses" said: "sex looks yucky, you should stick with what you know, boys do rule in so many lovely ways and girls definitely drool."

Bishop O'Donaghue added: "But they (the evil MPs) see me as a fundamentalist and that is a pejorative word these days with connotations of terrorism, violence and irrationality.
I will say I reject these connotations, these people should be hung, drawn and quartered then burned at the stake like in the good old days."

Bishop Arthur Roach was unavailable for comment as he was at his, 'Sacred heart retreat for orphaned and vulnerable boys' in Leeds.

Bishop O'Donaghue's ideas coincide with the Vatican's fresh look at sin. Monsignor Gianfranco Girotti, the head of the Apostolic Penitentiary when asked about the many sex scandals within the church in numerous countries said: that while he accepted the "objective gravity" of the allegations, he contended that the heavy coverage by mass media of the scandals must also be denounced because it "discredits the Church."

We here at OBB News does not want to discredit the Catholic Church in any way no matter how many children are molested by priests or how many of those priests are protected by the church.

When it was suggested that the Vatican didn't care about the problems faced by women when it came to abortion the Monsignor stated that:
Catholic organizations help unwed mothers, educating "their children who come into the worth because of their lack of foresight" and facilitating adoption.

Jesus our personal saviour took time off from appearing on a grill cheese sandwich to say: "Oy vey, who put these idiots in charge of children ? Don't covet your neighbour's ass do something about it and love thy neighbour also go forth a multiple it isn't rocket science.
Take responsibility and stop blaming the media also blaming unwed women isn't cool, what about rape? so if a woman has a child out of wedlock she is damned and if she uses birth control she is damned. St Peter totally lost the plot dude. "

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Women Get More Kebab Than They Had Expected

In east Belfast Northern Ireland, Abdelatif Rezk, 26, admitted indecently exposing himself to three women and has been sentenced to prison.

The offences at the women's homes between July 2005 and January 2006. He arrived in Northern Ireland from Egypt in 2004.

One woman told police she recognised him as she is fond of a tasty kebab also it was the same man who served food to her and a friend at a kebab shop just 30 minutes beforehand.

He admitted three charges of indecent exposure and one of attempted exposure and not washing his hands while cooking.

The court heard the first incident happened at a 28-year-old woman's home at about 5am on 25 July 2005.
She heard tapping on the living room window and when she looked out she saw the accused with his trousers open fondling himself.

After a while the woman called for her husband and Rezk fled but he was identified by a DNA sample. The couple had just had their windows cleaned the day before.

A month later, a 26-year old woman heard a bang on the bedroom window of her east Belfast home at about 3am.
She looked outside and saw a man standing with his jeans undone working like a sailor.

She later told police not only had he served himself in her garden but had served her and her friend food a short time earlier. She referred to him as the 'Kebab man.'

On 24 September, a 28-year old woman heard a knock on her living room window at about 6.20am. She had got up with her husband as he left for work, when she was confronted by a man who had his hand on his groin.

She didn't think too much of it as it was east Belfast but as he was dark looking she called the police incase he was a Muslim terrorist.

In the last incident at about 5.15am on 21 January 2006, a woman in her 40s was sitting in her living room watching television.

She noticed car headlights and saw a man walking around outside her house. He stopped in front of her window where he undid his jeans.

The prosecution lawyer said the "shocked and distressed" woman called all her friends, wrote a blog post about it then called the PSNI .

After giving a description of the man and his penis, police called at a house on the Holywood Road in Belfast where Rezk had been staying with his wife and young daughter.

A defence barrister said the accused's wife was "standing by her husband". He also said his client has already served a lengthy period on remand for the charges.

Jailing Rezk, the judge said: "It must have been a matter of great concern to all of these ladies to find themselves with a stranger outside their home in hours of darkness carrying out such an act.

This is Northern Ireland not Egypt we are civilised here, maybe you can learn how to knee-cap and make petrol bombs in prison."

He was given concurrent 16-month sentences for each of the three exposure charges with a concurrent 12-month sentence imposed for the attempted exposure.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

You Have My Vote

Senator and Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton stopped in at an art exhibition in New York by actress Natalie Portman who used all non-animal products in her works. Ms Portman was ecstatic by the senators visit and judging by her top we can safely say who she will be voting for.

Karaoke Killer Uses The John Denver Defense

A gunman in Thailand shot-dead eight neighbours after tiring of their drunken karaoke singing.

Weenus Chumkamnerd, 52, shot the home owner and seven of her guests as they partied at her home in Songkhla Province, South Thailand.

"When I began shooting nobody pleaded for his life because they were all drunk," he said after his arrest.

He said he was so furious with their awful singing that as soon as 'Hungry like the wolf' came on he flipped out.

He was so mad he did not notice he had murdered his own brother-in-law as they all look the same.

"I warned these people about their noisy karaoke parties. I said if they carried on I would go down and shoot them.

I had told them if I couldn’t talk sense into them I would come back and finish them off," he added.

Mr Chumkamnerd, who works as a rubber tapper, was a man of his word which is rare these days and had a short temper due to being named Weenus. He was arrested after going on the run after his killing spree in the town of Hat Yai, near the Malaysian border.

The woman who was hosting the party, Dr Suthathip Thammachart, 36, was the director of a local hospital who was due this month to get an award for her services to medicine.

One of the revellers survived by playing dead, convincing the gunman that he too had been killed.

When he realised he had shot his own brother-in-law, Boontip Desaro, Mr Chumkamnerd said he was filled with remorse as he knew he'd really be in trouble for that.

He got his son to take Boontip to hospital, but he was already dead.

A neighbour said that the karaoke group normally sang Thai pop and Britney Spears songs but one particular western tune could be heard often - John Denver’s ‘Country Roads’.

Country Roads is a hugely popular song in south east Asia and the neighbour said the revellers had been singing it over and over again.

Mr Chumkamnerd is hoping his judge has taste in music and will just let him off with a fine.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Baby Identity

OBB News favourites Matt Damon and wife Luciana, announce they're expecting another baby.

This will be child number two, and are "so excited," according to their rep, who added the duo "weren't sure what position the child was conceived in but they couldn't be happier."

Damon, 37 who is People magazine's world's sexiest man and his wife, 32, began their family with daughter Isabella in 2006. Luciana also has a 9-year-old daughter from a previous marriage.

Damon is currently filming 'Green Zone,' a CIA thriller in Morocco and is not concerned about the heat effecting his powerful sperm count.

Its Not Guns That Kill People Its Bullets

The SwissMiniGun is the size of a key fob and fires tiny bullets that travel at 270 mph, powerful enough to kill at close range.

The world's smallest working revolver only for men confident enough to use it , the gun is being marketed as a collector's item and measures just 2.16 inches long (5.5cm). It can fire real 4.53 bullets up to a range of 367ft (112m) of course at that range they will merely put your eye out .

The stainless steel gun costs £3,000 although the manufacturers also produce extravagant, made-to-order versions made out of 18-carat gold with customised diamond studs which sell for up to £30,000. I'll take two.

The gun is banned from being imported into the US because it's barrel is less than three inches, meaning it is deemed too small to qualify for sporting or manly purposes as in America size really matters .

Jonathan Spencer, consultant forensic scientist and firearms expert, said that although the gun, which fires bullets at a speed of 399 feet a second, was tiny, it could still prove fatal. The general threshold for perforating the skin is about 330 feet a second.

"Apart from bone, skin offers the greatest resistance to penetration. If it can pass through the skin it is potentially lethal, even if the bullets are small.

"If you shoved something 3mm across into someone's chest you could kill them. It's the same with these bullets, they could penetrate the heart."

The owner of the SwissMiniGun company Paul Erard said that since the product's launch three years ago, the firm had sold around 300 of the guns, mainly to collectors in the Middle and Far East.

He said: "We are producing in very small quantities - perhaps 25 gold guns and 100 steel guns a year, and there is a six month waiting list to get one.

"We will make whatever the customer wishes for. The most expensive version we have sold cost £30,000 and was covered in diamonds and came with a gold chain."

Special Agent William McMahon of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives(ATF) in New York said the gun was so small it could pass for a key fob, and warned it made the perfect stealth weapon for serious criminals and also some flippant criminals who we do not take so seriously.

But Mr Erard denied the gun was deadly as he has shot many homeless people and they all survived he said it was only a tenth as powerful as some air guns.

"Since September 11 there has been a lot of paranoia in America", he said.

"It is ridiculous. Why would criminals want my gun when you can go out and buy a Kalashnikov there already?"

A Guinness World Records spokesman confirmed the gun held the record as the word's smallest working revolver.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Woman Experimented On By Aliens For Over 30 Years

Hartlepool, a town in the north of England famous for hanging a monkey thinking it was a French spy during the Napoleonic wars also gets extraterrestrial visitors and not just unfortunate simians.

Hartlepool woman Dianne Sudron, 45, says aliens have in the last 30 years visited her to help her overcome life's ups and downs.

In 1974 when she was just 13, she had been babysitting her brother and younger sisters at her home in Elphin Walk, Hartlepool, when she saw a UFO above the houses between her street and Brierton Community School.

"That was odd, she thought, it was like a big headlamp but not as big as a football and hovering above the rooftops," she said."I wasn't scared.

"Dianne said she was with her friend and a boy, and the three of them followed it as it headed towards Owton Manor Primary School.She added: "The UFO was there for about 10 minutes. I was fascinated.

I always sort of believed in them and knew something was out there. When I saw one, it confirmed it."The next time she saw the 'visitors' she was babysitting again.

"They came in through the French windows. There was about six of them and they had creamy-coloured bald heads with pointy chins and eyes like almonds, like you see in films. "I remember it vividly.

We had ornaments on a shelf next to the window and part of the wall became a control panel and an alien, that seemed to me to be female because she was nagging the others, would press buttons on the wall.

There were flashing lights and it just seemed to be part of the UFO."

I used to say to them, 'how long are you going to be, I don't want you here when my mam and dad come in it should be our little secret'.

We used to speak in telepathy and they would immobilise me. I used to just sit there.

She added: "My mind is blank. I don't know whether they took me somewhere or whether they did something to my body.

"They used to come in through the French window at the back of the room and float out through the front window.

I wondered if our house was in the way, in the middle of the alien highway or something."Dianne said the 1970s were "rife" for UFO sightings, especially in the area near Brierton Community School.

"Someone looked out of their bedroom window and saw hundreds of aliens," she said."

I used to babysit and keep all that stuff to myself. I didn't want to say to my parents when they returned 'everything's fine apart from a big bunch of aliens came in and anally probed us '."

A couple of years later, Dianne joined a spiritual and psychic development group in the town.

She said: "We would get psychic messages from extra-terrestrials and they would channel themselves through someone's body.

They would say they were sending 'love, healing, light and free cable to all mankind'.

"These aliens were humanoid and very beautiful with blonde permed hair and a space between their eyes. They had crystals for eyebrows. They were from the Pleiades constellation."

"For about six months we used to speak to them. It was debatable whether we believed they existed, we just went with the flow."I thought 'I'd really like to meet them extra-terrestrials, it's not good enough to just have it channelled'. I wanted to take it one step further."

But when I told the group I wanted to meet them, they didn't want to know. They were frightened and I left."

When Dianne was 26, she lived in Stockton Road, where her first actual contact with the beings took place.

She said: "I'd had a bad relationship and thought why not ask them for help and love. I was sitting on the sofa and I heard a voice say 'Are you feeling OK?' I didn't know what to do. It was a lovely softly-spoken voice. It was a nice posh English accent.

"The voice asked me 'do you want us to play you some music?' I said yes. I started hearing 1940s music. It made me laugh. I thought it was so funny; either they've got a sense of humour no taste in music or they don't know what music I like, a bit of Duran Duran would have been nice."

Dianne moved to Wolverhampton to be with her fiancé but her fascination with the paranormal proved too difficult for their relationship.

She said: "We got engaged, but the aliens came between me and my fiancé. First of all he didn't believe in it, because I was saying all these things."

She said: "I was lodging with him when I heard a loud bang. The aliens had bumped themselves down and fallen on top of each other. They were laughing and giggling about it. It was so strange to see aliens on the floor thinking it was funny.''

She said her fiancé acknowledged the next day for the first time that she was being visited by aliens.

''He said he heard the bang and 'I think I believe you'. He called them the three amigos.''

Call centre worker Dianne remembers an experience in Wolverhampton which particularly stands out."An alien pulled up in a silver car.

It was quite early in the morning. I seemed to see in my mind, this alien pulling up in an expensive Honda car.

I could see it in my mind, parked up outside the house," she said."I thought I better compose myself. I am going to be frightened.

I tried to trace them in my mind coming in the door and coming up the stairs."But in a matter of two seconds it came to the bottom of my bed.

They looked like doctors. One had a clipboard. I had been suffering from cystitis at the time, but I know they gave me an operation on my forehead.

They cut through a piece. I was aware of it and sort of conscious."It seemed to hurt but as soon as they had gone, it went.

I don't know whether they were trying to make me more psychic. If you have an operation on your third eye you become more psychic or at least you can see the inside of your forehead.

''Sometimes they put implants in people and put them up their noses to track people, not for any bad reasons, just to know what people are doing even though they don't ask for permission."I think they were investigating me anyway.

I think they are investigating a lot of humans on the planet to see how their minds work and to change the way the world works, they kept discussing how to 'serve man .'

"I think they do it to lots of people, they're just not lucky enough to remember having your home invaded by strange creatures who immobilise and study you. "

When Dianne was 33, she came back to Hartlepool, and her inter-galactic friends made another appearance.

She said: "I was laid on the settee and fell asleep then I heard a sound at the door. It just sounded like when you stand on a cat's tail. It was quite a scary experience I thought it might be a French monkey spy.

"I felt either a rope or a fishing line come around me. It didn't hurt. It was like a lasso. It was wet and it touched me on the face as if I'd been hit with a wet fish.

I was going up towards the light."I didn't want to go any further and gently came back down .
"They have visited me about 30 times. It's fairly regular. At one point it seemed to be happening all the time. Each experience is totally different.

"They used to put a ray over my body to immobilise me. I think it was to try to calm you down.

They didn't do anything sinister to me."I don't tell people. They are quite frightened of it. I don't need to tell people. I don't think they believe me."

We here at OBB News believe everything we are told.

''That's why I'm telling my story to OBB News, to give credibility. I want to get it into concrete evidence if you don't come out and say people think, maybe . . . "
"People may say I'm barmy but at the moment we've got a hole in the ozone layer. We are living in times that are delicately balanced. I don't know what we are going to do.

"Dianne, who is a follower of the cult of guru Sai Baba whose philosophy is' Love All Serve All ' though in what way is uncertain , added:

"Aliens have given me so much of themselves, so much love and understanding so I have repaid that by exposing them and their clandestine ways to the world.

"I hope I'll see them soon. I enjoy the experience. They are not going to harm you."Dianne is writing a book about her experiences, which she will call Alien Dreamland.

She said: "I've got bits of information but I've been holding back to see if I can find a hypnotherapist to help me regress. I'd like to find one who is basis and that's interested in UFOs."

Old Knudsen famous alien hunter commented earlier from his Killamory home: " Why don't you name your book 'Judas goat ' and maybe get some medication from the NHS while you're at it.
I wonder what sexual abuse or trauma happened to the lass when she was 13. Not forgetting that Schizophrenia often occurs at puberty . I was molested in Leeds by a Unicorn once named Father O'Neill and you don't see me telling everyone about it .
Its funny that aliens always seem to abduct a nobody rather than someone important, maybe thats why they haven't come for me besides the a**e kicking they would get."

I Just Booted The Guy

John Smeaton was one of a number of members of the public who intervened on 30 June last year when a burning car driven by two crazed Asian terrorists crashed into the airport terminal.
At Buckingham Palace, he said her Majesty congratulated him with the Queen's Gallantry Medal.

The 31-year-old added: "We just had a wee chat. She said well done and congratulations." he said it was the proudest moment of his life .

Since the incident, Mr Smeaton has been promoted to head of security and booting terrorists at an airport car park.