Thursday, January 31, 2008

Al-Qaeda Leader Killed In Pakistan

US intelligence has apologised for the recent death of a senior al-Qaeda leader in Afghanistan. Abu Laith al-Libi was killed by a US missile strike in the North Waziristan area of Pakistan this week. The missiles thought to have been fired by drones killed 12 other militants .

News of his death emerged on a website used by Islamist groups. said he had "fallen as a martyr".

A US intelligence spokesman said: "Our missiles had been aimed at another senior figure Obaidah al-Masri but to us they all tend to look the same. Our condolences go out to the Libi family for their loss."

Mohamed bare-bac a close friend of Libi said: " He was always so full of life with a big smile and charm that just made you want to blow yourself up for Allah, he has earned his 72 virgin goats."

UFO Cover Up In Texas

MUFON (mutual UFO network) is asking the military to repeat their training flights over Stephenville Texas to see if it matches up with the UFOs that over 200 people claim to have seen and shot at on the night of Jan 8th, 2008.
At first the military denied they had any aircraft in the area but now they are saying they were F16 jets.

Colonel Dan Wrothers USAF retired said: " It looks like our boys were caught with their pants down and are now trying to cover something up. I've seen enough strange things in my time to know that UFOs exist and the thing that worries the government the most is that we have nothing that can compare to their speed or maneuverability, those things just come out of nowhere."
Old Knudsen UFO abductee said: " All I know is that I went to a party and was handed a drink, the next thing I knew it was the next day and I had lost a whole night.
My trousers were round my ankles and it felt as if I had been anally probed by aliens and there was space goop all over me. I don't know if they planted eggs inside me or what but I know UFOs and aliens are real."
By Texas law aliens may face death by lethal injection if they are arrested for anal probing even in the privacy of their own space ships.

Beauty Queen Must Repent

Stephanie Conover, 22, an actor, singer, dancer, and current Miss Canada Plus 2007, was invited to judge a local beauty pageant the 2008 Miss Toronto Tourism contest.

She accepted, and sent along a brief bio detailing some of her interests, including horseback riding, skiing , knitting, fisting, reading, yoga, reiki, and tarot card reading. She got a letter from pageant organizers revoking her invitation because the latter two practices constitute "the occult" and "witchcraft."

Reiki is a Japanese art that seeks to heal the body with energy, while Tarot cards are an ancient way of seeking spiritual guidance. Both harmless New age hippy practices. Yoga on the other hand has had links with Satanism for centuries but maybe they got it confused with yogurt and let it get past.

The rest of the letter went on to say that reiki and Tarot are not only unacceptable to "Jews, Muslims, or Christians," but to God Himself.

The letter quoted Leviticus 20:6, where God states: "I will set my face against the person who turns to mediums or spiritualists to prostitute himself by following them, and I will cut them off from his people," and Leviticus 20:27, which states that "A man or a woman who is a medium...shall surely be put to death, they shall stone them with stones, big flat pointy stones. "

The Miss Toronto Tourism pageant has no affiliation with the Toronto Convention & Visitors Association or other official tourism organisation.

Stephanie, who is a practicing Wiccan, told OBB News that she was shocked to receive the letter. "They're attacking my character when they know nothing about me, and based on things that have nothing to do with the pageant.
Reiki and tarot card reading are both positive practices that have nothing to do with 'dark forces. I feel so violated and my ying is all up my yang, I shall pray to the blessed white Unicorn for them."

Stepanie added "they're trying to burn me at the stake without knowing anything about my character."
Which was not a necessary requirement to burn someone at the stake. Most witch burnings were just personal grudges.

The letter also hoped that "Stephanie Conover will turn from these belief systems and will repent from her practice of them." Stephanie expressed no interest in repenting and said, "I only got into Wicca for the hot Pagan sex magic rituals."

Her philosophy is that destiny is not a matter of CHANCE but a matter of CHOICE and is also a great name for a child.

The Miss Toronto Tourism says on their website about their commitment to multiculturalism and tolerance.
They were not available for comment as they had to picket a gay pride parade.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Kickboxing Lawyer Causes Scene

An Arizona woman was arrested for causing a scene at a restaurant. 37 year-old Tammy Ray Barnes harassed customers at the restaurant and shouted profanities at the manager and refused to pay her bill.
The manager was insulted by the word 'profanities' as he was of Asian descent so he called the police.

When the police arrived she spat at one of the officers and accused him of wanting to rape her.

Barnes claimed she was a lawyer and kickboxer who had trained under Chuck Norris and could have them all fired after she gives them all "a good ass whupping."

Once inside a patrol car, she began hitting her head against the window and threatening to kill herself.

On the drive to the police station she told one of the officers, "I will come after you with a vengeance. I will come to your station. I will never let you rest. I will hunt your wife. I will hunt your kids."

Barnes, faces possible charges for aggravated assault and threatening and intimidating an officer.
It is also being investigated whether she is responsible for the blog spamming 'Old Knudsen' blogs between May and July 2007 as her threats sound very similar.

The Squirrel Genocide Continues

Since being introduced in the 19th Century, the North American species of grey squirrel has dominated habitats in the UK out breeding the native red squirrel.

The grey squirrel is also a carrier for SQPV or squirrel pox which is only deadly to the red squirrels.

In the 1950's Senator Joseph McCarthy embraced the decline of the red squirrel coining the now famous phrase "better to be dead than red" he also described squirrel pox as "The red plague" and Gods vengeance on the red squirrel lifestyle choice.

The Red Squirrel Protection Partnership (RSPP) a conservation group launched a campaign on the greys in Northumberland, killing 12,000 or one third of the county's population, in just over a year.

They claim by killing the foreign species the problem can be cheaply and quickly brought under control.

Lord Redesdale the founder of the RSPP said: " Reds, blacks, yellows cull them all or send them back to their own country we need breathing room."

Ross Minett, director at Advocates for Animals, says the approach is "morally wrong".

"A century or so ago reds were the ones being called 'tree rats', and hundreds of thousands of them were killed in Scotland. It's a problem of man's making."

Richard Dorkins a leading evolutionist said: " Conservationists should stop going against evolution. The decline of the red squirrel is a part of evolution and nature as is extinction. What the RSPP is doing is like killing all the whales to save them from being hunted this is little more than squirrel ethnic cleansing, who will it be next ?"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tarzan Star To Tell All

Jiggs the chimpanzee who played Cheeta in 12 Tarzan films in the 1960's is to be honoured with a historical contribution to the screen award at the up and coming Oscars.

Plucked from obscurity to play the mischievous side kick, Jiggs gave up his dreams to join the priesthood and has had to over come prejudice and stereo typing in the movie industry.

He retired from the screen in 1967 and soon fell prey to alcohol , cigar and poo flinging addictions that ruined his health and destroyed his marriage to British Movie star Julie Andrews.
Jiggs who is 75 is listed in the Guinness World Records as the oldest living non-human primate.

His demons now behind him Jiggs has been offered a book deal for his autobiography. Working with a ghostwriter at his California home the book is said to be " funny, moving and searingly honest, the kiss and tell aspect of the book will shock many."

'Don't Call Me Monkey' is to be published in October and will kick off with 14 state book signing tour.

Ironage Metro Sexual Given A Make Over

Scientists at Dundee University have helped to recreate the face of a man nicknamed the Iron Age David Beckham because of evidence that he gelled his hair and was married to a singer named "Auld Spice," it is thought they had a child together
named ' Londinium ' as the word was tattooed across his shoulder blades in Ogham.

Clonycavan Man, named after the area he was found, was discovered in a peat bog in the Republic of Ireland in 2003.

His body had been tied down, tortured and slain, probably in a ritual sacrifice. He lived about 2,300 years ago.

Clonycavan Man's face has been recreated with slicked back, gelled hair and the striking pasty white good looks that Irish men are famous for.

The Ironage metro sexual used a type of Iron Age hair gel , vegetable oil mixed with semen perhaps to give the impression of height as he was only 5ft 2in tall. North Korean dictator Kim Jong IL employs the same tactics but without the semen probably.

John Hayes-Fisher the producer of the Timewatch television show that is to feature the body said:"What really shocked me while making the programme, though, was discovering the unnecessary violence with which young men were killed.

The Iron Age really was quite a brutal time that sort of thing would never happen now ."

It is thought that International product using soccer player David Beckham is actually 5 foot 11 inches tall. We will only know for sure if someone sacrifices and throws him into a bog to be discovered by peat diggers.

Batteries Not Included

At the start of a meeting in Switzerland to try to get more Japanese support for the fight against poverty in Africa Rock star Bono bowed deeply and gave Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda an iPod.

Fukuda asked the singer who is a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire if his music was on the red recording device.

"No, but you can download it," said Bono in a helpful but tightfisted way.

Part of the proceeds from sales of the special-edition red iPod go directly to the Global Fund to fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria in Africa and have so far raised $50 million and Bono didn't become as rich as he is today by giving away his music.

Fukuda later said in a statement that he was only interested in Africa for scientific research.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Shocking Trailer Park Tragedy

Police responded to a call at Restless Oaks Village mobile home park in Pennsylvania to discover a shocking scene. Toby Taylor, 37, was trying to perform CPR on his 29 year-old wife Kirsten , who was lying on her back in the couple's living room.

The two officers took over CPR and hooked up an automated defibrillator to Kirsten Taylor. The machine delivered a shock to her, and the officers continued administering CPR as Toby Taylor sat on the couch holding a cushion on his lap shifting uncomfortably.
Kirsten Taylor.

Taylor told them his wife had been shocked while using a hair dryer but later on police could not find the dryer.
She was taken to York Hospital, where she was pronounced dead but well done.

Police spoke with Toby Taylor again at the Hospital. It was then that he admitted to lying and said that he and his wife "have been engaging in electric shock sex and other types of extreme bondage sex for about two years as he had impotency problems and normal sex no longer 'did it' for him," according to charging documents.

Toby Taylor told police he and his wife got home about 10 p.m. and that she went into the computer room, logged on to OBB News, took off her clothes as she was prone to do and hooked up clips to her nipples and shocked herself by plugging in an electric flex.

Toby Taylor then came into the room wearing a flat cap and read the post to get aroused, he then put a piece of electrical tape over her mouth and shocked her three or four times while swearing in a fake Scottish accent.
Kirsten Taylor, who was on her knees, fell onto her face. At first Toby Taylor thought his wife was joking, but then he rolled her over and saw she was unconscious.

He dressed her in something flattering yet casual and carried her toward the door to take her to the hospital, but she stopped breathing. He called 911 and started CPR.

York County Coroner Barry Bloss said:" Kirsten Taylor's body had several visible burns, which clearly indicated electrocution, this was bizarre sex. Some people would say this was perverted sex. I have never seen anything like this before its kinda hot, Bloss said.
"Even if you did it before, you have to know you could kill someone and that blog could cause some serious brain damage."

OBB News would only comment at having sorrow about such senseless and tragic waste of a life.
Old Knudsen's mother Gertrude was happy to oblige with a statement : " As I tell all my children, never do anything that you don't want to explain to the paramedics."

Toby Taylor was charged with involuntary manslaughter and reckless endangerment.

Pakistni Soldiers Out-Run Militants

For the second day in a row, Pakistani troops abandoned an army base in South Waziristan, a region along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border that is a stronghold for militants. And without a shot being fired.

One hundred frontier troops in the fort received scary phone calls and text messages with threats and rude words from militants and decided it was a better idea to bravely flee than to stay and defend themselves. They ran out shouting , "Remember the Alamo!" which made them run faster.

The fort was filled with heavy weaponry, including artillery guns , rocket propelled grenades and deadly sun-roof levers.

The evacuation came after a day in which 22 soldiers were killed by as many as 600 militants who had just overran the nearby Sararogha fort. It was the first time that militants have forcibly captured an army fort, usually their friends inside just let them in.

According to military, analysts the pro-Taliban insurgency is growing in Pakistan's tribal areas, and the Pakistani military
who have always been a joke to start with don't have the power or even the will to fight back. The Italian army are more brave. Militants have managed to stop their infighting and unite themselves under the title of Taliban Movement of Pakistan.

If this threat isn't stopped there would be more attacks
launched in Pakistan.

Old Knudsen OBB War Analyst said: " After 5 years of pumping billions of dollars into Pakistan with the only result being that the Taliban are better armed and more powerful, when will the United States realise that they are being played by the Pakistan government who are either grossly incompetent or in league with their ancient Taliban allies whom with they share a cultural bond?"

Sunday, January 27, 2008

More Death From Above Expected

If you weren't already concerned about the large meteor, named ZG-7134 that is due to hit Earth on March 21, 2008 then here is something else for you.

A US spy satellite the size of a small bus and weighing about 20,000 pounds or 9,072kg has lost power and is expected to crash to Earth some time in late February or March.

Gordon Johndoe, of the US National Security Council said: " We are looking at potential options to mitigate any possible damage this satellite may cause, we would only try to destroy the satellite with a missile if we thought the level of collateral damage would not be at an acceptable rate to the public. "

The satellite contains the rocket fuel hydrazine. A colourless liquid with an ammonia-like odour, the fuel is a toxic chemical and can cause extreme harm to anyone who comes in contact with it.

The US government is keeping lawmakers and other countries abreast of the situation but the general public will not be informed to avoid unnecessary panic if it does fall in heavily populated areas as the panic would probably cause more deaths than the satellite itself.

John Pike, director of the defense research group, said:" An uncontrolled re-entry could risk exposure of US secrets. It could be potentially embarrassing if it fell in an unfriendly country. Not that there are many nations unfriendly to the United States, what is there not to love about the # one country in the world ?"

Expert, Jeffrey Richolson of the National Security Archive, said the satellite is probably a photo reconnaissance satellite and that this one died as long as a year ago and is just now getting ready to re-enter the atmosphere. " We have so many up there its hard to keep track, " he added.

In 2002, officials believe debris from a 7,000-pound or 3,175-kg science satellite hit the Earth's atmosphere. It rained down over the Persian Gulf, a few thousand miles from where they first predicted it would crash. Which is pretty good as calculating trajectories is not an exact science.

The largest uncontrolled re-entry by a US space agency (Nasa) craft was Skylab.

The 78-tonne abandoned space station fell from orbit in 1979. Its debris dropped harmlessly into the Indian Ocean and across a remote section of western Australia, the only fatalities were two Kangaroos .

Hate Mongers To Picket Actor's Funneral

The Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, USA, who has picketed the funerals of soldiers who died in Iraq and has numerous website's stating who God hates which includes, gays, Muslims, Jews, Bloggers, puppies, women with flat butts and Catholics also countries such as America, Britain, Ireland, Albania and Sweden plans to picket the funeral of actor Heath Ledger.

The actor wasn't gay and has dated many beautiful women such as Heather Graham, Eartha Kitt, Naomi Watts and has a child with actress Michelle Williams. He did however play a gay cowboy in the film "Brokeback Mountain" which to the Westboro Baptist Church is good enough.

Australian Baptists and the Baptist World Alliance who are not associated with the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas have condemned the actions of the church and are praying for the Ledger family.

Shirley Phelps Roper the daughter of Fred Phelps the church founder said: " All the depraved sons and daughters of Adam will be destroyed by God the ultimate terminator for anything remotely suspect to us and we shall fight them all the way to the gates of Hell as long as the camera crews turn up."
Old Knudsen a leading theologist said: " I'm really sick of all these religious cults claiming to know what God likes or dislikes have they ever met him ? God hates cucumber because it makes him burp and is lactose intolerant which is a shame because he loves ice-cream. God loves me (though not in a gay way) and hates those who picket funerals. Phelps better hopes he or his spawn never meet me in the street."

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Is There Life On Mars ?

A photograph of a Bigfoot- like creature has been found on the planet Mars. The photograph, taken in 2004 by the Mars explorer Spirit, appears to show a human shaped object apparently waving to the camera.

Peter Rodin a NASA spokesman said: " The object is just a rock. The same thing happened with the 1976 Viking Orbiter 'Face On Mars' image. People seeing human images in random inanimate objects is a psychological phenomenon called pareidolia nothing more."

When asked how in one frame the object seems to be waving and in others its not Mr Rodin shrugged and answered, "Just a trick of the light."

The 1976 'Face On Mars' image. If you look closely you might see what appears to be a hill that looks like a face.

New Agenda From The Pulpit

Scientists have accused Roman Catholic priests of spreading lies from the pulpit in an attempt to stoke up opposition to animal-human hybrid experiments.

Catholic Bishops' wrote a statement attacking the controversial Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill , warned that the Bill would allow the creation of "half human, half animals" by combining eggs of women with the sperm of animals and that there were enough Protestants already , this was read out to parishioners across the country last week.

It added: "To do this would be a radical violation of human dignity and if anyone is to violate that then it shall be us."

Dr Kyle Armstrong, of Newcastle University, said the church's statement was "a gross and irresponsible misrepresentation of our position and our intentions". Hybrid embryos were designed to provide stem cells to treat human diseases - not to create half-human, half-animals, I thought they believed in virgin births." he said.

He added: "We find their example of combining the egg of a woman with animal sperm even more distasteful and we wish to make it absolutely clear that our work does not involve this. We find it surprising and saddening-that the Catholic Church should resort to such blatant inaccuracy to support its message in these matters it goes to show you the kind of things Catholic priests' think about ."

They would take an animal egg cell, remove the blob in the centre which contains most of the animal's DNA and replace it with the nucleus from a human cell, taken from a donor.

The resulting embryo is 99.9 per cent identical to the human donor although it contains some animal DNA left over from the egg so maybe just the odd claw or hoof then.

The Catholic Church has sent every parish a fun information pack including the one-page briefing document which some priests have read to congregations it contains crosswords and other puzzles and is set out in an easy to understand format much like the abuse-themed colouring book, "Being Friends, Being Safe, Being Catholic," which purports to teach children how to avoid pedophile priests that was handed out last year by the Catholic Church's New York Archdiocese.

Chris Shaw, Professor of Neurology and Neurogenetics, Institute of Psychiatry, King's College London, said: "The bishops' statement on hybrids is not a radical violation of human dignity as they claim - it is a radical violation of the truth besides what right do they have to tell animals what they can do with their bodies?"

A spokesman for the church said: "Far from providing misinformation and wild allegations in our parish briefing, all we have done is draw attention to what this Bill actually allows."

"Clause 4 allows licences to be given for the creation of hybrid and "interspecies" embryos, defined in the Bill as "an embryo created by using human gametes and animal gametes". This means half human and half animal before you know it you'll see a half man half dog in the Vatican that would be called God's rottweiler or something daft like that or some semi-celibate human-ass hybrid preaching about birth control."

Arthur Rouke a spokesman for the Man-Boy Love Association , York, Uk, said: "As usual we support the church and will continue to provide financial support so it can get its message across. We share the churches' disgust at these scientists and their modern ideas."

Old Knudsen was on hand to comment: " I can remember the time when the Catholic church killed cats, tortured and burned witches, not big thinkers, they are more accepting of a murderer or say a pedophile than a divorcee. They have become afraid of anything they cannot control or stifle, and as you do when you are afraid of something, you try to either bully, kill it or both ."

Friday, January 25, 2008

Police Service With A Smile

The Police Service of Northern Ireland is to issue its officers with a pamphlet called PSNI Guide to Appropriate Language.
Such colourful names such as Fenian, hun, taig and jaffa are among the terms outlawed to help them avoid causing offence.

Catholics should not be called fenians, taigs, chucks, stickys or spongers, while Protestants should not be referred to as huns, black, prods or jaffas, the booklet says.

Older members of the population, should not be called geriatric, old codgers, geezers, coffin dodgers, air wasters or say someone is "just like an aul' woman".

The Guide to Appropriate Language has various categories of words and suggests acceptable alternatives.

Religion, minority ethnic communities, gay people, women and transsexuals are among the linguistic issues covered.

When taking down a description of a suspect, gender, race, age, height and weight will not be asked for nor will the style of clothing so as not to upset those with poor dress sense.

The term 'suspect' has been changed to 'A person of interest.' Armed response teams are to be replaced with 'stern' but not too stern talking to groups and fleeing criminals will be given a head start and not be physically tackled, instead they will be asked to consider surrendering in a strong but polite manner.

Police officers are supposed to have degrees in order to join the Police Service (formerly known as the Police 'Force') but still need a pamphlet to tell them not to use racial slurs or name calling.

Chief Constable Sir Hugh Orde says in his foreword that using the right language "sends an important message".

"It is essential that we take a lead in using language that does not exclude colleagues or members of the community, does not stereotype and always shows a wholehearted commitment to supporting our Equal Opportunities Policy, persons of interest deserve the same respect as those of not so much but still interesting have, " said Sir Hugh.

Dwarves Hit An All Time Low With Bus Crimes

Bus companies in Sweden are advising Travelers not to leave valuables in their bags.

Gangs of criminals are hiding dwarves in sports bags and smuggling them onto buses to steal luggage.

Once stowed away in the luggage hold under the bus the devious dwarves are free to rummage through personal belongings. Once underground creatures famed for their skill at mining and metallurgy dwarves now use their excellent night vision to search luggage for ladies underwear and anything of value.

Swebus, which operates services across the country has been hit by this scam several times.

A spokeswoman for the firm said: "It is very possible that a small person is being placed in a bag in order to search through the other bags.

"We are taking extra security measures and are thinking of installing video surveillance cameras and maybe chain up a guard dogs in the hold for protection."

Police have received similar reports from other parts of the country.

As well as dwarves, gnomes have also been used.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Goths Dogged By Safety Regulations

In Yorkshire, England, Dani Graves, 25, a goth who leads his fiancee Tasha Maltby, 19, around with a dog lead and collar claim they have been discriminated against by bus firm Arriva Yorkshire.

The creepy couple said they had been told to leave one bus and prevented from boarding another that had garlic and crucifixes hung up around the door .
When he tried to get on the bus, Mr Graves alleged: "the driver shoved me off the bus. He called us freaks and he called Tasha a dog.
"He said, 'We don't let freaks and dogs like you on'. "He basically grabbed my T-shirt and slammed me backwards. "

"I got a bit angry and called him a fascist pig I bet that hurt his feelings."

The bus firm said it was a safety matter and was investigating the complaint.

Mr Graves told OBB News: "We're used to strange looks, we're used to comments and enjoy shocking people and getting attention like all the other Goth individuals that dress in the same way."

"But we didn't expect it from someone like that. They're providing a public service. We had our bus passes, we did everything that you are supposed to do to get on a bus its not my fault my girlfriend is a bit of a dog."

Miss Maltby said she came up with the idea to wear a dog lead, and said previous boyfriends had called her a "wierdo" when she suggested it, she also likes to get hit with a rolled up newspaper and has a flea problem.

The couple said they "loved each other to pieces" and the use of the lead was a "sign of trust" besides they are both wierdos.

"It is definitely discrimination, almost like a hate crime," 19-year-old Miss Maltby said .

The music technology student had this defence of her lifestyle.

"I am a pet, I generally act animal like and I lead a really easy life," she said. "I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani and I go to the toilet where I please . It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone and who needs self respect when you have an easy life?"

Mr Graves said: "She's very animal like , she's kind of like a pet, as well as a partner. " He said: "You wouldn't expect your cat or dog to do the washing up or cleaning round the house."

The couple, who live on benefits in a council house and plan to start a family, have been friends for years.

They started going out together in July and became engaged in November.

Operations director for Arriva Yorkshire, Paul Adcock, said: "Arriva takes any allegation of discrimination very seriously and have interviewed the driver regarding Mr Graves' claims.
"Our primary concern is passenger safety and while the couple are very welcome to travel on our buses, we are asking that Miss Maltby remove her dog lead before boarding the bus put on some make up and that they stop dressing like freaks."

"It could be dangerous for the couple and other passengers if a driver had to brake sharply while Miss Maltby was wearing the lead."

The company said it was writing to Mr Graves "to apologise for any distress caused by the way this matter was handled".

Old Knudsen who fought the Goths in 546 AD said: " What a sad and silly affair this is. Its discrimination towards idiots that's what that is.
Two young people with no jobs who want to get attention and shock society by looking like dorks who are in an unhealthy unequal relationship and want to have children.
They are excellent reasons why you should use birth control.

Miss Maltby was not only ignorant about it being a hate crime but she called her 'lifestyle choice' her culture which it is not, its a fad until she grows up and becomes an adult.

Mr Graves can feel like a big man by controlling his girlfriend he obviously has issues about strong women. No you wouldn't expect a dog or cat to do housework but you would expect your partner to."

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Climate Change Calls For Drastic Measures

A new report from the National Trust has warned that the sea level will rise up to a metre this century and will affect one of Northern Ireland's most important tourist areas.

The Giant's Causeway one of the most popular tourist attractions in Northern Ireland could be badly affected, says the Trust.

Problems could start as early as 2020 and could be affected by as much as an inch rise in sea levels by 2050 and 5 inches by 2100.
Hilary McGrady, National Trust director for Northern Ireland, said it was essential for more detailed coastal data to be collected.

The Giant's Causeway is made up of 40,000 interlocking basalt columns and is the result of ancient volcanic eruption and was lined up by the Irish giant Finn McCool who built the causeway to walk to Scotland to fight his Scottish counterpart Benandonner.

Legend tells that Finn fell asleep before he got to Scotland. When he did not arrive, the much larger Benandonner crossed the bridge looking for him.
To protect Finn, his wife Oonagh laid a blanket over Finn and pretended he was actually Finn's baby son when Benandonner saw the size of the 'infant', he assumed the alleged father, Finn, must be gigantic indeed.
Benandonner fled home in terror, ripping up the Causeway in case he was followed by Finn.

Another more realistic version has the Irish giant Finn being too lazy to complete the causeway as it is a well known fact that the Irish are quite slothful and a Scotsman would always have a go no matter the size of the opponent.

The National Trust has gotten together with a movie special effects company in Belfast called "Northern Lights FX" who have developed the plan to take a resin cast of the stones in the lower lying areas and fit the new resin case over the stones but raised 8 inches.

The new higher stones will be painted by scenery artists to match the rest. The plan is due to start in 2010 at a cost of 6 million pounds and should be finished in 2 years.

"Having seen the mock-ups I am amazed. A blind man on a galloping horse wouldn't know the difference," added Hilary McGrady.

Little Boy Racer Fakes Own Death

Shafkat Munir, 26, from Lancashire, England produced a false death certificate to the authorities to avoid paying £180 after speed cameras snapped him three times.

Munir's licence was clean before his spate of incidents and he would have still been able to drive.

He admitted to being foolish and perverting the course of justice, he was jailed last week for 12 months, and banned from driving for 18 months.

Munir was first caught speeding in January last year when doing 86mph on a 50mph stretch of the M55.

He was later snapped by a camera doing 56 mph in a 30mph zone in Blackpool.

The third time was in South Yorkshire, when he was doing 45mph in a 30mph zone.

A man claiming to be called Rashid Hussain contacted the parking office, claiming that Munir had died in Pakistan in 2002 in an incident not at all related in anyway to General Pervez Musharraf and his government and that can be backed up by the CIA if necessary.

A death certificate in Urdu was sent in, but inaccuracies were found such as expressions in Urdu like "it's well phat innit!" and "wikked pass us me mob so I can fone ya bruva !" which seemed out of place on an official document.

When a hot sounding police woman called the number given by Rashid Hussain, Munir answered giving his name and star sign. He admitted fabricating the story to avoid paying the fines.

John Davies, of Lancashire's Road Safety Partnership, said Munir's con was "almost unbelievable. I wouldn't be surprised if this lad was in Al Qaeda to be honest, just give me five minutes with him.

All credit to the investigating officers across the forces for their determination to bring this man to face justice now lets get the full story."

Old Knudsen who has watched speed one and two starring Sandra Bullock said: " Fair play to the lad for his creativity though I don't know why he bothered for just £180.
If only the police put as much effort into tracking down real criminals. With all these cameras doing their jobs for them you could transfer some of the traffic police into real police jobs."

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Liberian Warlord Finds God

Milton Blahyi, 37,a former rebel commander in Liberia's civil war, has admitted to taking part in human sacrifices as part of traditional ceremonies intended to ensure victory before going into battle.

He said the sacrifices "included the killing of an innocent child and plucking out the heart, which was divided into pieces for us to eat."

There had been rumours of human sacrifices during the 1979-93 conflict but this is the first time anyone has admitted publicly to the practice.

Mr Blahyi, is nicknamed in Liberia "General Butt Naked" because he went into combat with no clothes just a pair of laced-up boots and sporting an erection , to scare the enemy .

He told Liberia's Truth Commission that his forces had killed 20,000 people.

At that time there were many so called generals like General Murder, Rambo, Terminator, Jungle Killer, General War Boss III, General Housebreaker, No-mother-no-father, General F**k-me-quick and Babykiller all of whom loved puppies and their mothers very much and gave generously to charities.

His Buttnaked brigade were famous for using decapitated heads as soccer balls. Drug-fueled teens who went into battle in flowing dresses and colorful wigs. Cross-dressing is claimed to be a military mind game, a tactic that instills fear in their rivals.

Does this AK-47 make me look fat?

It also makes the soldiers feel more pretty and invincible. This belief is founded on a superstition which holds that soldiers can "confuse the enemy's bullets" and sexually confuse the enemy themselves.

He is now an Evangelist preacher, who prefers to use the name Joshua as "Preacher Butt Naked" isn't the kind of image he wants anymore.

Blahyi first became exposed to the killings in 1982 when, at the age of 11, he was ordained "the traditional priest of his tribe." He had to fight on behalf of president Samuel Doe as they were from the same ethnic group.

He also fought against the militia of Charles Taylor, currently on trial for war crimes in The Hague. Blahyi fought for money and power like all the Warlords did.

He said he thought that confessing to what he had done and asking for forgiveness could help heal the country's wounds and get him on TV.

"I have been looking for an opportunity to tell the true story about my life and every time I tell people my story, I feel relieved, because its all about me."

He stopped fighting in 1996, saying God appeared to him as he was charging naked into battle and told him he was doing Satan's work and that his penis wasn't that impressive, he claims that God is also black.

He is now often seen preaching on street corners and churches in the capital, Monrovia, handing out leaflets in a loud annoying self-righteous way .

"I now preach against murder and making human sacrifices," he said.

"Some people see me and congratulate me and let me date their daughters."

"Others see me and say I should not be walking down the streets of Monrovia posing proud. But I continue to tell such people I am not proud, I am ashamed but at least now I shall get into Heaven."

"If you have an individual admitting that he and his group killed over 20,000 people, certainly there should be a mechanism put in place for such people to face justice," said Mulbah Morlue, who heads the Forum for the Establishment of a War Crimes Court in Liberia. "But what can you do in a country with no public restrooms where men think that raping a baby is good luck and helps prevent or cure HIV Aids?"

The war is now over but thousands of UN peacekeepers remain in the country ready to stand by and watch more people be killed.

While asking for forgiveness, Blahyi says he's ready for whatever the truth commission will decide to do to him not that he thinks they have any power to punish him.

He also says that he can't be accused of what he was doing during the civil war, it was Satan and the neighbour's dog that possessed him.

"I could be electrocuted, I could be hanged," he said. "But I think forgiveness and reconciliation is the right way to go besides I run like the wind and God is on my side."

He sells recordings of his sermons for $20 a piece that he claims will go to build schools for young ex-fighters like him. He says: "Even now I'm fighting. I'm fighting a spiritual war."

Monday, January 21, 2008

Deformed Girl Believed To Be Deity

In the Jharkhand region of India a girl born with three eyes and two noses has been attracting hordes of people who believe her to be an incarnation of Hindu god Shiva.

The birth of the "wonder girl" created quite a stir with villagers queuing up for a glimpse of the baby with garlands and incense sticks to worship her.

"People from far-flung areas are coming for a glimpse of my daughter. Why has god played such a cruel joke with me, first by giving me a daughter but then one with such abnormal features ?" said Sukhlal Mahto, the girl’s father.

"She didn't get her looks from my side of the family" Though her two eyes appear to be normal, she has a third eye in the middle of two noses. But she has not opened her third eye yet, Shuklal said.

"Even Lord Shiva did not open his third eye regularly. Shiva opened it once to destroy someone," said Mahesh Mahto, a villager.
While another villager said that fiber was important if you were going to open your third eye or as it is called in India your "Turd eye."
"It is a case of a genetic disorder," said Manish Kumar, a general physician. "When the girl gets older she will probably have better vision and psychic abilities and also a better sense of smell than most people but she will also have double the bogies." He added.

Body Parts Swap Shop

Sheikh Nasrallah holding a US made M-16, probably the closest he has ever gotten to combat.

Sheikh Hassan Nasrallah leader of the terrorist group Hezbollah said they had the "heads, the hands, the feet and even a nearly intact cadaver" of Israeli soldiers in a speech marking his first public appearance in more than a year. In a blunt attempt to open dialogue between the two sides.

He addressed Shia Muslim supporters at a rally in southern Beirut to celebrate the holy Shia commemoration of Ashura.

Hezbollah crossed the Israeli border in July 2006 and killed 8 Israeli soldiers and snatched two more. Israel then launched a 34 day campaign against Hezbollah.

About 1,200 people including civilians and Hezbollah fighters died in Lebanon during the conflict and about 160 Israelis mainly soldiers were killed during the short war. The Hezbollah terrorists have a high popularity with the gullible Lebanese People and used them as shields and to hide amongst.

Sheikh Nasrallah surrounded by bodyguards as he walked through a Shia neighbourhood in southern Beirut was greeted by supporters chanting "God protect Nasrallah, Death to America, Death to Israel , Death to puppies and kittens".

Nasrallah told the crowds: "Our fighters were fighting and confronting these Zionists. They were killing them and collecting the remains of their bodies, its their hobby."

"I am not talking about insignificant bodily remains. I tell the Israelis we have heads, hands, legs of your soldiers. We also have a nearly intact cadaver from the head down to the pelvis, get them while stocks last ."

The last time Sheikh Nasrallah made public appearance was in September 2006, after the war which Hezbollah claimed as a "victory".

He had bravely gone into hiding out of harms way during the war amid Israeli threats to kill him.

Body parts of Israeli soldiers have previously been used in prisoner exchanges between the two sides. If they have enough parts to make up one Israeli soldier then they get one of their prisoners back.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Gary Glitter Collapses

Former Glam Rock star Gary Glitter collapsed in jail in Vietnam where he is serving a three-year prison sentence for sexually abusing two 11-year-old girls in March 2006.

The 62-year-old is under police guard and recuperating at a hospital in Benh Vien.

Pedophile Glitter was diagnosed with high blood pressure and erectile dysfunction last year and could be released early so he can be treated in the UK.

In 1999 he was convicted in Britain of possessing child pornography and served half of a four-month jail term.
He was found out when his computer full of down-loaded child pornography broke and he took it to PC world to be repaired .

Child molesting Glitter, was a big star in the 1970s, and had hits with "Rock and Roll" and "Do You Wanna Touch Me" to which children all over the world say "no."

Kiddy Diddler Glitter may try to seek damages from the famous Blogger and powerful Warlock Old Knudsen for mis-use of mystical powers as he recently speculated on how the Glam Rock star Pedo would be remembered when he dies.

As usual Old Knudsen was available for comment: "Blogjinx!"

Naked Rambler Steps Out Of Line Again

Stephen Gough, 48,other wise known as the Naked Rambler was allowed to walk free from court after 20 months in prison for a series of breach of the peace offences related to nudity.

Edinburgh Sheriff Court warned Gough he would be re-arrested if he failed to cover up. He was arrested six steps from the court. Gough, of Hampshire, emerged from the court wearing just a rucksack a cock ring and an untidy beard.

The trouble started during his naked walk from Land's End to John O'Groats which began in June 2005. Gough completed that trek for the second time in February 2006 which took him nine months to complete as he was arrested numerous times and held in custody.

In November last year, Gough was found guilty of committing a gross breach of the peace by walking in St Leonard's Hill in the city without clothes on.

Gough is famous for posing for the pictures in the 1984 book "The Joys Of Sex" and feels its his right to have his pasty scrawny body look at by everyone, especially young women and children.

Sheriff Maciver of the high court said that members of the public should not have to tolerate completely naked persons in full view on public streets. Especially middle-aged hippy types.
The sheriff said: "Mr Gough's position is that he is entitled and has the legal and moral right to be naked in public and the public have no reason to be concerned about his nakedness."

"He takes the view that the courts are wrong, resistance is futile".

In prison Gough, was kept in solitary confinement because he refused to wear clothes.

Less than two hours after his hearing, Gough emerged from the rear of the court building, still naked, to be met by police officers and the press.

He was arrested, and before being placed in a police van, was asked if he had any comment to make.

He said: "You have taken me by surprise. Where is the freedom?"

"Go ask the ask the Afghan people under the Taliban Mr Gough," was the reply from a young police officer.

Bitter Ball Leaves Bad Taste In Mouth

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when her ex-boyfriend Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle with her bare hands and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours."

Monti admitted wounding and attempted swallowing with intent and was jailed for two-and-a-half years.

Sentencing Judge Charles James said through bouts of sniggering and crossing his legs in sympathy it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self-defence.

Mr Jones had ended his long-term but "open relationship" with Monti towards the end of May last year. The pair remained on good terms.

After an argument ensued there was a struggle between them. In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and "pulled hard and not in a good way."

He added: "That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain as I loved those Snoopy boxer shorts."

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones's testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it.

She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the partly chewed and mangled organ.

Mr Jones then said, "If she really loved me she would have swallowed."

Monti said she was sorry for what she had done. "It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person."

"I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life and I also hope that Geoff has learned that no one turns me down."

Old Knudsen a dating and relationship expert said: "I once had an 'open relationship.' I didn't find out until after the divorce."

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Country's Greatest Living Hero Dies

Sqn Ldr Bertram "Jimmy" James one of 76 men who broke-out of Stalag Luft Three, the supposedly escape-proof Nazi prisoner-of-war camp as immortalised in the 1963 film "The Great Escape "has died aged 92 .

He was once called "the country's greatest living war hero".

Despite a high speed motor cycle chase, disguising himself as a French mime and wearing a fake moustache he was recaptured but he was one of the lucky ones as fifty of the men who escaped were executed.

Sqn Ldr James had dug the first RAF escape tunnel of the war, at Stalag Luft One, in 1941.

That was just one of 13 attempts to escape from Nazi captivity. Even though he was British and used to bad food the German food was cruel and unusual torture and a great incentive for escape.

48 German cooks were hung after the war by the war crimes commission for their Sauerkraut, Sauerbraten, Wienerschnitzel, Rouladen and Bratwurst Goulash.

Military historian Howard Tuck said: "This guy was truly unique and he was the finest gentleman anyone could ever meet.

To me he represented not only an era, but a type of Englishman you rarely meet. He was honest and funny and I used to talk to him like he was 25."

"He was a legend, there's no doubt about it," Mr Tuck added.

In 2004 Sqn Ldr James returned as guest of honour to Poland, to revisit the Great Escape camp. He said it had brought memories flooding back.

"The huts have been razed to the ground but you can see where we dug, the route of the tunnel and you can still feel the atmosphere of the camp," Sqn Ldr James said.

"Having lost 50 comrades, ghosts of the past are inevitably going to rise up.
"I feel a great loss. I never thought that 60 years ago when I crawled out of the snow there would be a ceremony in Poland to commemorate the event."

The veteran retired from the RAF in 1954. He leaves a wife, Madge and two young children.

Friday, January 18, 2008

CIA Solves Bhutto Case

The Bhutto family's ancestral graveyard in Ghari Khuda Baksh, Larkana.

CIA Director Michael Hayden told the Washington Post that the former Pakistani prime minister Benazir Bhutto was killed by fighters allied to Baitullah Mehsud.

The CIA who have in the past trained and allocated funds to secretly train Cuban exiles to over throw Fidel Castro during the Kennedy administration in 1961 and let the exiles face it alone to be slaughtered and in the 1980's trained and funded Al Qaeda and the Taliban During the Reagan administration to fight the Russians and trained and armed Iraq to fight Iran is now backing the Pakistani government's view of the murder.

Mr Hayden said that the same forces were responsible for a new outbreak of violence sweeping across Pakistan which was undermining the stability of President Pervez Musharraf's government.
The same government that has been receiving billions of US dollars since 2003 and yet only have one working helicopter in which to hunt down Al Qaeda forces with.

Baitullah Mehsud who denies the murder has also been blamed by the government for seizing a fort from the military in the troubled region of South Waziristan on Wednesday and could be the responsible for the American space shuttle, Challenger, exploding in 1986 killing all seven astronauts.

Scotland Yard who are actually in Pakistan investigating the murder even though the murder scene was hosed down by the government not long after the killing have not yet been told what to say .

Old Knudsen former CIA water works expert said: " If you believe Musharraf didn't have her killed then I bet you also believe Oswald shot JFK. I've said too much eat this post after reading it ."

Metric Martyr Remains Defiant

Janet Devers,the 63 year-old who has a fruit and veg stall at Ridley Road Market in London,England, is accused of using imperial weighing scales without an official stamp and thus breaking the metric laws.

Officers from Hackney Council, seized the scales saying she failed to follow ze European Union (EU) rules.

Mrs Devers will next appear at Thames Magistrates' Court on 7th March. The trader, faces 13 charges under the Weights and Measures Act and could face 50 lashes and possible death by lethal injection.

Mrs Devers called the council's decision to prosecute was "disgusting".

She said: "I am much happier about having a jury trial because you won't get 12 people on the jury who will find me guilty."

"It's in the hands of the public, and I hope they all support me."
Ron Bobsworthy from from Hackney Borough Council said:" We need to make an example of this evil doer, she must respect our authority.
Some people have called us stupid and petty, I think we should lock up and whip those people to show them how important we are."

In September, the EU ruled the UK could use imperial measurements, such as pints and pounds, alongside metric measurements as a sign of British superiority .

Mrs Devers had her imperial weighing scales seized from her market stall earlier last year.

Leigh Thoburn, the widow of Steve Thoburn who was fined for selling bananas by the pound and died of a heart attack in 2004, was in court along with other supporters from the Metric Martyrs' Defence Fund.

Earlier this week Mrs Thoburn handed in a petition, signed by 16,000 people, to the House of Commons calling for a pardon for her husband and three others who were convicted in 2001 for weighing in Imperial.

Old Knudsen a famous Imperialist said: "The whole metric thing may sound silly but its more about a way of life than anything.
Many people have grown up using pounds and pints and the metric system is just a little too European for our liking. Let us use both if we want, as for the Council Officers from Hackney, get a real job you metric Nazis."

Tanzanian Witchcraft Murders

Reginald Mengi Executive Chairman of IPP, one of East Africa's largest privately owned companies called upon Tanzanians to condemn the recent killings of albinos, believed to be prompted by acts of witchcraft, and wondered why people who witnessed such evils failed to alert the authorities.

Mengi made the appeal during a special luncheon he hosted in Dar es Salaam for people with disabilities. "There are people who still believe in witchcraft and think that the limbs of an albino could make them wealthy." he said.

Mengi said that a person cannot call himself or herself religious if he or she ignores the welfare of other people who have also been created by God.

The chairman of Dar es Salaam-based albinos, Mohamed Chanzi, commended Mengi for condemning evil acts against albinos .

Witchcraft is a practice and not a religion. Which is a good indication of the ignorance and lack of knowledge in Africa even from the better off Africans. This leads to people consult Witchdoctors rather medical doctors and has enabled the spread of diseases such as aids.

A member for the Tanzania Albino Association, Abdillah Omar, said they planned to hold a peaceful demonstration in appreciation of President Jakaya Kikwete`s recent denouncement of the killings of albinos.

Tanzania is the Albino capitol of the world with over 4000, it is said to be good luck to have an albino living in your village.

Only former Human Rights Activist Old Knudsen applauded the killings: "So very often the badie in a film is either English or an albino, both give me the creeps. I support the rights of witches to continue their practice of albino arms dealing. I went to Albania once, never again a dirty people ."

Meanwhile, the wife of the Palestinian envoy in the country, Anita Habbab, expressed concern over the killings and donated 1 million Palestinian dollars (£1.50p or 75 ¢) to help fight evil acts targeting albinos.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Worlds Only Blue Eyed Koala

He was named for Frank Sinatra 'Ol' Blue Eyes.' Frankie is the world's only blue-eyed koala.
Madam Zola a famous Australian medium says the Koala is the reincarnated soul of the famous singer with a message for the world.

Vets at his Dreamworld home on the Gold Coast, Australia found that apart from some reduced pigmentation has perfect vision.

Staff were shocked when they first saw Frankie, the only known Koala with blue eyes.
The local Aborigines claim Frankie to be a sacred Koala and must be the main course at a religious feast in his honour.

The nine month old Koala was the center of media attention yesterday, though it will be a couple of months before the public is allowed to view him.

The blonde blue eyed koala keeper Jason Donahue has vehemently denied being Frankie's baby daddy. The case continues.

UFO Over Texas

Artists rendition of Stephenville UFO which looks nothing like its description .

UFO investigators will travel to Stephenville Texas to talk with eye witnesses who saw a strange phenomenon in the skies.

Dozens of people said they saw mystery lights in the sky last week, although strangely enough there are no photographs of them.

Lee Roy Gaitan, a local constable , said he noticed a strange light outside his home near Stephenville about an hour after sunset last Tuesday.

"I saw two red glows," Gaitan said. "They glowed, and then they kind of faded and glowed again. I put down my beer and I looked again.

I thought, 'That's just not right so I pulled out my side arm and got a few shots off at it before it disappeared.

"When his 8-year-old son Ryan came outside, the red glow had turned bright white. he also managed to get a couple of shots off at it.

"It looked faster than a jet," Gaitan said then he saw the lights move around in the sky."They were really, really bright." "What was so astonishing was the speed that this thing took off," Gaitan said.
"I mean, it took off so fast like a Mexican over a wall."

Dozens of others out in the area, including a pilot, a teacher and business owners, reported seeing the same thing all claimed to have taken a shot at it but the teacher is well known for being a terrible shot.

The U.S. Air Force said it had no planes in the area that night and if they had it would be classified so they wouldn't tell you even if they did know something.

"It wasn't an airplane," Gaitan said. "It wasn't a meteor, because it wouldn't have been bouncing around.

It wasn't just one light.""The lights were like nothing on Earth. I had never seen anything like that -- never," Gaitan said.

A major at the Joint Reserve Base in Fort Worth suggested the incident might have been an illusion caused by the sunset and commercial jetliners also Venus was quite bright that night and Global warming must also be taken into account.

The phenomenon has attracted the attention of UFO buffs/nuts and the Stephenville gift shop that has mysteriously just opened is fully stocked with UFO souvenirs.

2007 has been named "The year of the UFO" as so many have been seen, especially over the UK , it looks like this trend is spilling over into 2008.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Citroen Car Ad Insults Chinese

French carmaker Citroen has withdrawn an ad featuring a picture of former Chinese leader Mao Zedong, after complaints it was an insult. The Chinese are famous for their great wall and great sense of humour but this went too far.

The ad carried in Spanish newspaper El Pais, shows Mao as he scowls at a hatchback. The picture is based on the time the great leader was suffering from a bout of explosive diarrhea and was barely keeping it together, he showed the Chinese people great strength helping them endue his policy 'Great leap Forward' which promoted industrial production rather than food production and resulted in the death of tens of millions due to starvation .

"It's true, we are leaders, but at Citroen the revolution never stops."
Citroen apologised for the "inappropriate" ad, which Chinese chatroom visitors had complained "hurts our national pride", as leaders that quell any political unrest by a red-hot gun-rod being rammed into the anus demands respect, waterboarding is thought to be for weaker nations. Explained a chatroom user.

"This is no small thing," said one visitor to a chatroom about the ad . "It has an influence on the whole country. It damages the whole Chinese people, nearly as much as the poisons we put in our food, medicines and toys."

In a statement, Citroen said it regretted any "displeasure" caused, and said it had ordered the advert to be pulled immediately.

A reserve advert will replace the Mao ad, it will be feature the Prophet Mohammad and his 9 year-old wife.

"We repeat our good feelings towards the Chinese people, and confirm that we respect the representatives and symbols of the country, we would never mock Hitler in Germany or Bush in America, well ok maybe the last one, who expected Chinese people to read a Spanish newspaper? " Citroen said in a statement in Chinese.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Brown Is One Of A Kind

Photo artist Alison Jackson, known for celebrity mock-up photos which includes photographing doubles of famous people in compromising positions, and making shows such as BBC 2's Double Take and Channel 4's Blaired Vision has had great trouble trying to find a double for British prime minister Gordon Brown.

She blamed his "huge bovine features," she had never had this trouble before and dreaded the thought of Brown becoming PM. "It's the size of the head maybe... nobody comes close its massive," she told the OBB News.

"He's got this huge jaw and most people don't have a jaw that kind of size. It's not even the details of his mouth drop or the eye thing it's something to do with the whole head shape," she said.

"I've been trying to work it out. Is it his Celtic features? I'm going to Scotland to try and find someone who might look like him" she added.

Gordon Brown was unavailable for comment about his hideous features but Junior minister Alan Wallstock was: " I think that Mr Brown is a very attractive man, a George Clooney with a Russell Crowe edge. When he shakes your hand and looks you in the eyes and smiles your knees start to tremble."

New Woman Magazine last year voted Mr Brown among the world's 100 sexiest men, alongside the likes of Bond star Daniel Craig, Old Knudsen and Johnny Depp.

Well Lit Man Finds Out The Dangers Of Smoking

A German man in the northeastern town of Gross Godems was being treated for serious burns after accidentally setting his apartment ablaze.
The 56-year-old was drinking alcohol and watching the documentary "Why the Germans always lose in war" on his television when he grabbed a bottle of gasoline he had sitting about for some reason and took a swig.
Realising his mistake immediately he spat it out onto his well lit cigarette causing a fire.

The unnamed man then ran with a pair of scissors and put his eye out. After he recovers in hospital he is considering invading Russia.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Cheap Car Brings Hope To All Except The Environmentalists

Tata Motors revealed their latest project that's billed as the world's cheapest motor car in a car show in Delhi.

The Tata Nano, a four-door five-seater car will sell for 100,000 rupees or $2,500 (£1,277) it has a 33bhp, 624cc, engine at the rear that's powered by a hamster wheel, no air conditioning, no electric windows , no power steering and no cigarette lighter.

A deluxe model that has a radio/cassette will also be available.

Indian car sales are predicted to more than quadruple to $145bn by 2016 and they may be out-sourcing the manufacturing to China.

"The car is a safe, affordable all weather transport - a people's car like the German Volkswagen , designed to meet all safety standards and emissions laws and accessible to all" said Company chairman Ratan Tata.
The cars can be fitted with side platforms and handrails so an extra 20 or so people can cling to the sides and sit on the roof assuming they don't fall through the cardboard and plastic hull. With a good wind at its back it would average about 50 miles to the gallon and drivers are advised to push them up step hills rather than drive them.
Environmentalists are complaining about the impact so many cars will have on the already congested roads but they aren't the ones on bicycles and scooters in the 3rd world driving through raw sewage .

Ravi Vangala, of Hyderbad, India, said: "I congratulate Tata for his dream, and I will definitely buy the Tata Nano car, I used to buy Hugos, Ladas and Skodas and now I shall have a cool looking chick magnet car, if its rockin don't come a knockin."

Pensioner Caught Speeding

In the UK, Maurice Hollyfield aged 83 years old who is deaf and has a glass eye was caught speeding on the A9 in his new car. He was doing 88mph while towing a trailer on a single carriageway with a 50mph speed limit.

Even though it was the second time in less than a year that the pensioner had been caught speeding he was only banned from driving for 45 days.

The court had been told he was reading the rev counter instead of the speedometer, he was disorientated because he had just polished his eye and popped it back in and then he had to answer his mobile phone which he had difficulty in hearing due to being deaf and the loud music playing on his cassette player.

As well as the ban, the retired British Aerospace inspector was given a £300 fine and had the soles of his feet whipped with a bamboo cane for having the name Maurice and some humourous excuses.

Sheriff Lindsay Foulis said: "He should know the difference between 50, 60 and 88mph. He would see the trees flying past at a great rate."

The court was told that Hollyfield had only ever passed a very basic test while driving a lorry in the Army nearly 70 years ago.

Solicitor David Holmes, defending, said: "It was a new car and the instrument panel was very different.

He kept glancing at what he thought was the speedometer, but it wasn't also it was very difficult for him to see over the dashboard ."

Mr Holmes added: "He is not without a sense of humour. He told me he really likes the car, now that he knows where the instrument panel is, he has now worked out where the indicators are and it was the heater he was adjusting and not the radio."

Bodybuilder Declared Unsafe

Uk body builder Ronnie Cutler, 42, has developed some rare side effects after having used Anabolic Steroids and prohormones in combination with weight training and diet to maximise muscle hypertrophy in the sport of competitive bodybuilding.

Cutler has done permanent damage to his body and has had to pull out of competition indefinitely. One side of his body is extremely toned and muscular and the other side is that of a six stone weakling.

Other side effects have been testicular atrophy, impotency and worse of all male pattern baldness. His estranged wife Sheila would at first only look and talk to the muscular half of Mr Cutler and always made sure to be on his right side or good side.
Cutler also suffered from severe mood swings and would throw violent tantrums from his right side while his left side stayed still and when his right side stayed still his left side would be reasonable and articulate.

Lonnie Lowery, Ph.D and author of "Testosterone Nation - The Warrior Nerd" said: " Ronnie Cutler is indeed a cautionary tale, he is now two halves of two very different people trapped in the same body.
The only option for him is the chat show circuit which is the modern day version of the Freak show ."

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Twins Separated At Birth Get Married

In the UK a pair of twins who were adopted by separate families as babies got married without knowing they were brother and sister.

They met later in life and felt an inevitable attraction. " Everything was great at first." said the unnamed couple, " It was like we could read each other's minds and the sex was intuitive and natural.
Then we started to bicker a lot which later got physical with hair pulling and flicking the backs of ears, we soon got suspicious after a few years when our first three children were born mongs."

Mo O'Reilly, director of child placement for the British Association for Adoption and Fostering, said the situation was traumatic for the people involved, but incredibly rare, it makes me feel dirty just thinking about it.

"Thirty or 40 years ago it would have been more likely that twins be separated and, brought up without knowledge of each other, in fact I'm my own parent's sister ."

"This sad sick case illustrates why, over the last 20-30 years, the shift to openness in adoption was so important," Ms O'Reilly added.

Pam Hodgkins, chief executive officer of the charity Adults Affected by Adoption (NORCAP) said there had been previous cases of separated siblings being attracted to each other.

"We have a resistance, a very strong incest taboo where we are aware that someone is a biological relative though it is generally accepted that all males have sexual fantasies about their mothers and sisters," she said.

"But when we are unaware of that relationship, we are naturally drawn to people who are quite similar to ourselves then you have the Brangelina syndrome."

A court annulled the British couple's union after they discovered their true relationship. The couple are now trying to put back together their lives as brother and sister and are trying for another child.

Woman Gives Husband The Chop

German police are looking for a housewife who told her children she murdered and had flushed their father down the toilet.

The husband, a Dusseldorf taxi-driver, vanished three weeks ago. The wife, 52, chopped him up and disposed of body parts in garbage bins and down the toilet.

They were a Muslim couple that hated one another and their marriage had been going down the toilet for years . Her adult children asked where he was, she replied: "You'll never find him. I've put him down the loo."

Neighbours said the toilet had been flushed constantly on the night he disappeared but they put it down to the ethnic food they could smell coming from the apartment and the novelty of having a flushing toilet.

The woman was last seen in her native Macedonia and German police will issue an international warrant for her arrest.

Old Knudsen who was a friend to the man said:" He was always smiling and brought joy to the lives of many, I'll always remember him as my chum."

The apartment had been cleaned and repainted, but the police were able to find bloodstains in the living room, hall and bathroom. Experts are drawing straws to see who searches the sewer next.

The husband, 58 showed classic signs of spousal abuse and had never reported her many attempts to poison him or the time she seriously injured him with a hammer. Police doubt he'll report getting chopped up.

Friday, January 11, 2008

The Left Hand Of Darkness

In Idaho the home of Mr Potato head a man who believed he bore the "mark of the beast" on his hand amputated it and put it into a microwave and called the authorities .

The man in his mid 20's was calm when the officers arrived and had a tourniquet on his arm.

The deputies surrounded the microwave with their weapons drawn and to be on the safe side cooked the hand for 8 minutes on power level 5 as advised on their radios by a priest.
The severed hand had no noticeable tattoo or mark said sheriff's Captain Ben Wolfinger but "looked kinda creepy but smelled good ."

The man, whose name was withheld, told the deputies that his hand would quote The New Testament Book of Revelations to him in a squeaky voice and masturbate him to gay porn.
He is now in protective custody in the mental health unit of Kootenai Medical Center in Coeur d'Alene, the hand was taken by the local priest to be examined for demonic activity.

The book of Matthew contains the passage, "And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for you whole body to do into hell."

It was his left hand and did not mention microwaves .

Don't Forget The Tip

In Grand Rapids Michigan a man hid hunting knives in the waistband of his trousers to try to steal them from a western Michigan store.

The man put about $300 worth of hunting knives in his trousers but was confronted by an employee of Meijer Inc. superstore as he tried to leave.

A fight broke out causing the man to trip and one of the knives stabbed him in the abdomen and another sliced off the tip of his penis.

Shopper Heather Dodd told OBB News:" I saw a man laying down on the mat by the carts, there was blood everywhere, none of the employees wanted to touch the man's private parts and were arguing so I just walked around him, grabbed my cart, made sure everything was OK and got out of the way."

The suspect who has a record of retail fraud was rushed to hospital but the end of his penis had been lost somewhere in the store.

"We are fully cooperating with the search and the investigation by police." said Meijer spokesman Frank Giuliano.

Sir Edmund Hillary Dies Aged 88

Sir Edmund Hillary the most famous New Zealander ever and the first white man to climb the world's highest mountain, Mount Everest along with Sherpa Tenzing Norgay, in 1953 has died aged 88.

On the descent down to the Everest base camp, he famously greeted another member of the British expedition group with the words: "Well, George, we've knocked the bastard off " George replied with the immortal words, "Excuse me old chap I'm trying to pee here if you don't mind."
Sir Edmund with Sherpa Tenzing Norgay who died in May 1986.

Born 19 July 1919, in Auckland, New Zealand, he began climbing mountains in his native country as a teenager and became famous as a snowman builder and ice climber. He also served as a pilot during World War II and as New Zealand's ambassador to India in the 1980s.

He spent the rest of his life helping the Sherpas of Nepal's Khumbu region, building Himalayan hospitals, bowling alleys, clinics, bridges, airstrips, strip clubs and nearly 30 schools. He was made an honourary Nepalese citizen in 2003.

He was horrified at the callous nature of todays climbers and said: "They don’t give a damn for anybody else who may be in distress and it doesn’t impress me at all that they leave someone lying under a rock to die, tossers the lot of them."

Though with his health in decline it did not stop him last week from climbing Aoraki/Mount Cook which is on New Zealand's southern island and stands at a height of 12,316 feet.

His death was caused in his own home by an accidental fall off a step-stool as he reached up to adjust a curtain rail. He died peacefully at the hospital though was expected to come home that day according to his family.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Boy Scout Prepared For Attack

In Sri Lanka the president of the Maldives was saved from assassination when a 15-year-old boy scout grabbed the knife of an attacker who had jumped out of the crowd.

President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom only had his shirt ripped when the attacker tried to stab him before the boy and security guards intervened during a visit on the small island of Horafushi.

Mohamed Jaisham Ibrahim, had been lined up to welcome the president. The boy's hand was injured by the knife but was soon treated.

Boy scouts in the Maldives are similar to their U.S. counterparts, receiving training in first aid, unarmed combat, rat neutering and participating in activities such as camping it up and rubbing their sticks together .

Like in the U.S., their motto is "Be prepared." The boy had already earned his "close quarter combat" badge and is now working towards his "avoiding being killed by annoyed Islamic extremists " badge.

The attacker had wrapped the knife in a Maldives national flag as he stood among the crowd. His name was Mohamed Murshid aged 20. No motive was given but police suspect he was a fan of the Taliban as he had all their records and posters up in his bedroom.

Pakistan's president Musharraf has denied all knowledge of the attack and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said: "It was probably America who is to blame for the attack" while former US presidential failure Al Gore said it was Global warming and the issue had to be addressed immediately by purchasing his DVD "An Inconvenient Spoof."