Friday, February 29, 2008

Prince Harry Fights The Taliban

Prince Harry inspecting his fellow troops.

Prince Harry is the first royal to serve in a combat zone since his uncle Prince Andrew flew helicopters during the Falkland Islands in 1982.
British officials had kept the 23-year-old's deployment secret since Christmas , but a leak told about his service on the Al Qaeda sympathetic U.S. Web site the Drudge Report .
"I got here on Christmas Eve. And going from bullet magnet to anti-bullet magnet, most of the guys were pretty bummed that I was here because nothing was happening for the first few days that I was here. But things are picking up again now because it's obviously quite boring when nothing is happening," said Harry as he rambled on .
Putting aside his usual life of privilege in Afghanistan, the prince spoke of going without showers for days, eating corned beef and smoking hash and drinking nonalcoholic drinks. He noted he still hadn't escaped the paparazzi but now he can shoot at them .
Harry said his older brother, William, who is training at Sandhurst as a military pilot, is jealous of his deployment as he wants to kill some Towel heads too. As second in line for the throne, William is unlikely to ever see combat.
Harry has been in Helmand Province, where most of the 7,800 British soldiers in Afghanistan are based. Since the U.S.-led invasion ousted Afghanistan's Taliban regime in late 2001, 89 British soldiers have been killed.
Harry's work in Afghanistan has involved calling in airstrikes on Taliban positions as well as going out on foot patrols and doing interviews .
He spent part of his deployment at an operating base just 500 yards from Taliban positions.
"It's bizarre," he said in an interview. "I'm out here now, haven't really had a shower for four days, haven't washed my clothes for a week and everything seems completely normal.
It's nice just to be here with all the guys and just mucking in as one of the lads and shooting at Fuzzies, it beats getting into trouble at home for killing rare birds ."
Before his posting, Harry had been better known in the British tabloids for his love of the nightclub dance floors and was nicknamed 'Harry Pothead' for his love of weed.
The army's commander, Gen. Richard Dannatt described Harry's performance on the battlefield as exemplary. "He has been fully involved in operations and has run the same risks as everyone else in his battle group, we put him with the Ghurkas who are tough little buggers that sit on him to protect him if things get too rough."

Pregnant Witch Hung From A Tree

In Papua New Guinea a pregnant woman who was hung from a tree after being accused of witchcraft gave birth to her baby while struggling to free herself.

Nolan Yekum and her husband Paul were dragged from their house in the middle of the night and hung from a tree by fellow tribesmen who accused them of sorcery after the couple's sick 84 year-old neighbour suddenly died.

"We managed to loosen the noose to get our feet on the ground and we were able to free ourselves.

"My wife, who was about seven months pregnant, delivered the baby while struggling to free herself.

"It was a painful experience for me but mostly for her," Mr Yekum said.

He said he pleaded with villagers to wait for his neighbour's post-mortem examination and he accused local police of failing to act.

A police spokesman said: " We don't like to get involved in this sort of thing and an autopsy is going to have to wait about 200 years until we get civilisation I mean we only stopped head hunting in the 1950's, or did we?"

The woman and her baby girl, her third child, were doing well in Mt Hagen Hospital after two weeks in hiding. They are naming her 'Satanella.'

The number of witch killings in Papua New Guinea has been estimated at 200 a year.

"The villagers believe they have to kill the 'witches', otherwise the whole clan is at risk from black magic."

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Monk Gets Mowed Down

A Buddhist monk was killed when he was run over by a lawnmower as he cut the grass at his temple .

Ten years previously the Rev Seiji Handa had suffered another accident with a lawnmower, in which he lost three of his fingers. Buddha had all his fingers as he was too fat to mow grass there is a lesson there somewhere.

A witness said she had found the body of Mr Handa after he fell beneath the sharp blades of the tractor-driven mower at the Peace Pagoda in Milton Keynes.

Venita Slater said that moments before his death she had seen him running after the driverless machine as it pulled away from him while he was out mowing lawns in the 12-acre grounds of the peace centre that he had set up nearly 30 years ago. Now he is in pieces on the peace lawn.

The monk had been dragged under the blades as he tried to get into the cab and regain control of the machine, she said. His remains were found on the slope after the vehicle ran over his entire body, killing him instantly.

The jury at the inquest, held in Milton Keynes , was told that Mrs Slater had been walking with her two children last August when she saw Mr Handa in the grounds, running after the mower.
“The tractor was running away and he was chasing it to stop it. I looked up but he had disappeared.

I ran over to see if he was OK, but unfortunately he was not.” Emergency services were called and a crane was used to lift the grass-cutter off his body.

A postmortem examination disclosed that Mr Handa had died of multiple injuries probably caused by a large tractor-driven mower that was on top of him.

The inquest was told that it was not known why Mr Handa had got out of the tractor while it was still moving. It was thought that he slipped on the wet grass when he was trying to leap back in the cab, and that he became caught under the three sets of blades.

Taran Hewitt, of the Health and Safety Executive, said that officials had inspected the diesel vehicle and found that it should not have been in service.

The ratchet on the handbrake was not working and the brakes were not able to hold the tractor steady.The footbrake also did not work and Mr Hewitt said: “The only way you could get the tractor to stay stationary was to turn the engine off and leave it in gear. It should not have been used.

”Mr Handa, who was aged 50, was in charge of maintenance of the tractor and was responsible for cutting the grass in the grounds of the temple and should have been more aware of the implications of karma .

Born in Japan, he had become a Buddhist monk at the age of 21 and was ordained at a peace pagoda in Sri Lanka. He travelled the world, promoting peace and building peace pagodas.

He had arrived in Milton Keynes in the winter of 1978 and built the city’s peace pagoda, helped by nuns and volunteers.The temple was later built next to the pagoda.

The inquest jury returned a verdict of accidental death, the mower will not be charged.
Rodney Corner, the Milton Keynes Coroner, said: “It is not wholly clear what happened. Nobody actually saw what happened.
Blood and other parts of his body were dragged behind the tractor. He had got out of the cab and desperately tried to get back into the cab. We don’t know why perhaps there was a cutter malfunction in some way.

“What must have happened was that he tried to get back in but he slipped. He must have slipped on wet grass. It was just an unfortunate accident which was such a great shame.”

Old Knudsen the lord of common sense said: " I am really cut up about the death of Mr Handa but not as cut up as he was, only an idiot loses fingers while cutting the grass I think that and with the lack of equipment maintenance shows this. I bet he was wearing sandals and robes to do it too, death by stupidity is my verdict, only a monk who has never had a real job would cut wet grass anyway put that in yer pagoda and smoke it."

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said that 6,500 people in Britain needed hospital treatment last year after being injured by lawnmowers.

Farmer Caught With Illegal Potato

Northern Ireland farmer Joseph Kelly of Kells, pleaded guilty at Ballymena Magistrates Court .

He was charged under the Plant Health Order 2006 with illegally planting potatoes which are not permitted for use as seed.

Mr Kelly received a two year conditional discharge and was ordered to pay £49 costs.

The Department of Agriculture and Rural Development inspects potato crops throughout Northern Ireland to make sure regulations on the planting of seed potatoes are followed.

A spokesman for the dept said:" Evil criminals like Kelly should be strung up for their crimes against potatoes. Its people like him who cook new potatoes as chips (French fries) scum like him disgust me."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Let Them Eat Mud

In Port-au-Prince, Haiti people in the slums can't even afford a plate of rice with the rising food costs and have resorted to desperate measures to fill their bellies, cookies made of dried yellow dirt from the country's central plateau.

The mud has long been prized by pregnant women and children here as an antacid and source of calcium. The poor people add some salt and vegetable shortening and bake them in the sun turning them into cookies.

Keebler of the United States and McVities Biscuits in Great Britain are looking into doing a dirt cookie range to appeal to the growing immigrant populations, a keebler spokesman said: "Those people will eat anything."

Food prices around the world have spiked because of higher oil prices, needed for fertilizer, irrigation and transportation.
Prices for basic ingredients such as corn and wheat are also up sharply, and the increasing global demand for biofuels is pressuring food markets as well.

At about 5 cents apiece, the cookies are a bargain compared to food staples. The price of the edible clay has risen over the past year by almost $1.50. (75p) Dirt to make 100 cookies now costs $5. (£2.50) Most poor people are lucky if they earn $1.0o a day.

Our OBB News reporter sampled a cookie and found that it had a smooth consistency and sucked all the moisture out of the mouth as soon as it touched the tongue. For hours, an unpleasant taste of dirt lingered, it needed some grit, but being British and being used to bad food they weren't that bad.

Dirt can contain deadly parasites or toxins, but it can also strengthen the immunity of fetuses in the womb to certain diseases, said Gerald N. Callahan, an immunology professor at Colorado State University who has studied geophagy, the scientific name for dirt-eating. Studing dirt-eating beats digging ditches for a living .

Professor Callahan added: " The cookies still have more nutritional value than a Big Mac so it could be worse."

Marie Noel, 40, sells the cookies in a market to provide for her seven children. Her family also eats them.

"I'm hoping one day I'll have enough food to eat, so I can stop eating these," she said. "I know it's not good for me but at least I look good ."

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

California UFO Makes Headlines

OBB News may have broke the story but at least one local newspaper has picked up on it.
The UFO that appeared in the Riverside area of California on Friday 22nd Feb was photographed from a different vantage point further away from the one I have posted below.

Frank Bowles, 54, of Victorville witnessed the UFO and said: " I had just gotten out of my truck when sometime moving caught my eye. I said to my wife, ' hey honey look at the sun' she looked kinda puzzled and said ' that's not the sun the suns over there, quick get your camera phone.' I fumbled for my phone and managed to snap off a picture before the thing took off.

It was pulsating with a sorta orange glow then shot off upwards diagonally north. I don't think it was a meteor or any plane we have and at least 10 other people were standing around watching it with us so I know me and the wife aren't crazy."

A Bum Deal From Leeds Metropolitan University

A woman who said she was relentlessly taunted by colleagues because of chronic flatulence has lost her discrimination claim.

The woman, who cannot be named, claimed she was subjected to cruel remarks from staff at Leeds Metropolitan University because she suffered from severe irritable bowel syndrome.

The Leeds employment tribunal heard how one colleague said: "She opens the window because she sits there and stinks the place out we shouldn't have to put up with it."

The woman claimed disability and played the race card for good measure citing racial discrimination against the university, as well as constructive dismissal.

She told the hearing colleagues would make sniffing noises and "bowel jokes" when she was in earshot and nicknamed her "The Fart Knocker."

The woman complained about being harassed and said: " A cloud hung over the office."

Disciplinary proceedings were started against her because of concerns over the quality of her work and increased sickness absences, the tribunal heard. If in doubt counter-claim.

The three-strong tribunal panel passed a motion dismissing all three of her claims.

A spokesman for Leeds Employment Tribunal said: "IBS is in no way is a serious or embarrassing condition and constant vicious jibes designed to hurt and belittle is all just a fart er sorry a part of orifice politics.

Leeds Metropolitan University should not have to put up with sick staff whose quality of work suffers due to illness and work bullying. The only thing you can smell now at the University is teen spirit and justice."

In 2006 a gay man who lost an arm in a car accident was given the nicknamed "The One Armed Bandit" and was dismissed from Leeds University for not being able to type as fast as he used to.

UFO Seen By Crowd In California

Here is an actual picture of a UFO sent to OBB News by a reader from Riverside, California snapped on her camera phone.
The object was seen by many motorists and people in the street on Friday of last week as it hovered over a car dealership then took off at super speed.
It was a dull overcast day and the object seemed to be pulsing an orange purple light .

The Riverside police have received numerous phone calls about the UFO and say they are looking into it.

Monday, February 25, 2008

What Goes Up Must Crash Into A Tree

A pensioner has described the moment she found an aircraft crash landed in her back garden.

Two men were forced to crash land their Cessna 172 light aircraft in Eileen and Alfred Watling's garden, then they walked away unharmed.

If anyone asks for directions to the couple's home in Folkestone, Kent they are told: "Its the one with the aeroplane in the tree, you can't miss it."

It is not yet known what caused the crash but the Air Accidents Investigation Branch were last night investigating the possible causes such as planes are too heavy to float in the air.

Mrs Watling, 71, who lives at the house with her 83-year-old husband, said: "It was so sudden, we'd just started watching a Steven Seagal film when there was an almighty crash. We thought the house had collapsed.

"I looked out of the window and saw the conifers had come down and there were no electricity lines. Then I saw the plane.

"When the pilot came out he was covered in blood, then the passenger came down out of the trees. I managed to get them into the conservatory and got a towel to stop the bleeding from the pilot's head."

"The pilot was ever so British and said 'I'm so sorry to do this to you' and I said, 'not to worry your health is more important and besides it was my entirely trees fault '.

We realise how lucky we've been. The plane was 10ft from our neighbour's house. If it had hit them first, it could have exploded. Somebody was looking out for us."

Muggings Are Now A Medical Procedure

Gurgaon, India, Naseem Mohammed woke to find he had an acute pain in the lower left side of his abdomen. Fighting drowsiness, he fumbled beneath the folds of a green medical gown and traced his fingers over a bandage attached with surgical tape.

An armed guard by the door told him that his kidney had been removed and he had been circumcised.

Naseem Mohammed, was abducted from a market with a promise of a job. Fellow laborers, Shakeel Ahmed, and Muhammad Salem, were also lured with the promise of work only to have a kidney removed against their will and forced circumcision .

They are now recovering in a Gurgaon hospital.

The Gurgaon police raided a kidney theft ring last week.
About 1000 Indians had kidneys removed by a team of doctors running an illegal transplant operation, supplying kidneys to rich Indians and foreigners.

Many were sold to the Bray Fentos pie company to add to their steak and kidney pies with human kidney an illegal and pricey delicacy in Australia.

Bray Fentos were unavailable for comment.

Many of the donors were day laborers or picked up from the streets with the offer of work, driven to a well-equipped private clinic, and duped or forced at gunpoint to undergo operations.
Others were bicycle rickshaw drivers and impoverished farmers who were persuaded to sell their organs, which is illegal in India.

Although several kidney rings have been exposed in India in recent years, the police said the scale of this one was unprecedented.

Four doctors, five nurses, 20 paramedics, three private hospitals, 10 pathology clinics and five diagnostic centers were involved. This explains the lack of effort with real healthcare in the region.

Mr. Lal, the Gurgaon police commissioner said: " Selling the kidneys is one thing but the circumcision is just malicious."

Its thought that its done to mock the donors as circumcision is performed by lesser nations and people of dirty faiths.

Indians revere the foreskin as a gift from Shiva and often carry a blessed peanut in the end of it which is how the peanut got its name because you have to remove it before you pee or pea as it was originally spelt .

kidneys can sell for $1,000 to $2,500 ( £500 - £1,250) and a car equipped with testing equipment was often on hand so that potential donors could be checked immediately to see whether their kidneys matched the needs of prospective patients.

The donors are not given any compensation or healthcare after the operation and may suffer damaged health which prevents them from working.
In America removing kidneys and other organs is the latest Hollywood fad to help look slimer. Pamela Anderson even had some of her ribs shaved and re-aligned to give her body a slimer appearance.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Healthy People Are A Burden On Society

For years of feeling the stigma of being obese or social pariahs because of smoking tobacco a new study has revealed that thin healthy people are more of a burden on society in the long run.

Netherlands' National Institute for Public Health and the Environment has done a study that says preventing obesity and smoking can save lives, but it doesn't save money.

It costs more to care for healthy people who live years longer, according to a Dutch study that counters the common perception that preventing obesity would save governments millions of dollars.

"It was a small surprise," said Pieter van Baal, an economist. "But it also makes sense. If you live longer, then you cost the health system more."

In a paper published online in the Public Library of Science Medicine journal, Dutch researchers found that the health costs of thin and healthy people in adulthood are more expensive than those of either fat people or smokers.

The researchers studied three groups of 1,000 people and found that from age 20 to 56, obese people racked up the most expensive health costs.

But because both the smokers and the obese people died sooner than the healthy group, it cost less to treat them in the long run.

On average, healthy people lived 84 years. Smokers lived about 77 years, and obese people lived about 80 years. Smokers and obese people tended to have more heart disease than the healthy people.

Cancer incidence, except for lung cancer, was the same in all three groups. Obese people had the most diabetes, and healthy people had the most strokes.

Ultimately, the thin and healthy group cost the most, about $417,000, from age 20 on.

The cost of care for obese people was $371,000, and for smokers, about $326,000.

The results counter the common perception that preventing obesity will save health systems worldwide millions of dollars.

Patrick Basham, a professor of health politics at Johns Hopkins University said: "This throws a bucket of cold water onto the idea that obesity is going to cost trillions of dollars. He said that government projections about obesity costs are frequently based on guesswork, political agendas, and changing science.

"If we're going to worry about the future of obesity, we should stop worrying about its financial impact," he said.

Obesity experts said that fighting the epidemic is about more than just saving money. I wonder how much you have to eat before you become an obesity expert.

"The benefits of obesity prevention may not be seen immediately in terms of cost savings in tomorrow's budget, but there are long-term gains," said Neville Rigby, spokesman for the International Association for the Study of Obesity.

"These are often immeasurable when it comes to people living longer and healthier lives."

Van Baal described the paper as "a book-keeping exercise," and said that governments should recognize that successful smoking and obesity prevention programs mean that people will have a higher chance of dying of something more expensive later in life.

"Lung cancer is a cheap disease to treat because people don't survive very long," van Baal said. "But if they are old enough to get Alzheimer's one day, they may survive longer and cost more which is most inconsiderate."

"We are not recommending that governments stop trying to prevent obesity," van Baal said. "But they should do it for the right reasons."

Lets not forget the stimulating of the economy by excessive buying of junk food, exercise equipment that will never be used and power scooters. The smokers also pay high taxes all throughout their smoking lives.

Joseph Harrop a life long fat person and chain smoker said: " Why would you want to live longer if you couldn't have a smoke as soon as you woke up or after a mega bargain bucket from KFC?"

Spectacular Lunar Eclipse

If you missed the recent lunar eclipse fear not here it is so you don't have to stand in the dark and cold bored senseless waiting for movement.
A sequence of amazing images taken about every 20 minutes show the February 20th lunar eclipse as seen from Toronto.
A total lunar eclipse can only occur during a full moon, when the moon passes through the shadow of the Earth.
The next total lunar eclipse visible from North America will not occur until December 21st, 2010 so mark your calendars.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

One Small Swim For Fish-Kind

German researchers with nothing else to do launched a rocket carrying 72 small fish on a brief space flight to study motion sickness.

The cichlids were in an unmanned rocket that blasted off from a launch pad in northern Sweden.

The thumbnail-sized fish were filmed as they swam around weightlessly in small aquariums during the 10 minute space flight.

The German team will now study the video to see if some of the fish swam in circles and vomit because that is what fish do when they experience motion sickness, said Professor Reinhard Hilbig , of the Zoological Institute at the University of Stuttgart.

He said the scientists hope the experiment can help shed light on why some people experience motion sickness while others do not because the mechanisms involved are similar for both fish and humans.

The earlier experiments that involved a fish bowl and someones hand making a whirlpool just wasn't cool and expensive enough.

Hilbig said the fish landed safely and appeared to be in good condition. Which is more than Pet Smart can claim in their Earth bound shops.

"They were very happy, I think they want to have another flight but its down the toilet for them now," he said.

Cichlids were picked for the experiment because they are sturdy fish who were deemed to have good chances to survive the stress of a space flight.

"Goldfish are a little bit fat and messy, while the cichlid fish is a well-trained, sporty, sexy fish with muscles," he said.

Gordon Brown Is Sorry

The British Government was forced to admit that two US "rendition" flights transporting terrorist suspects had landed on UK soil.

Gordon Brown expressed his "disappointment and that he felt used and violated " following the disclosure that two flights had refuelled on the British Indian Ocean island territory of Diego Garcia in 2002, despite years of denials.

Six years on, one of the suspects involved is still being held by the US at Guantanamo Bay. The other has been released.

"We have got to assure ourselves that these procedures will never happen again and we shall never let the rosy feeling of love let us be fooled again," the Prime Minister told reporters in Brussels where he was holding talks with European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso.

In the Commons, Foreign Secretary David Miliband told MPs that he was "very sorry indeed" that he now had to "correct" the false statements made by the then Prime Minister Tony Blair and Foreign Secretary Jack Straw.

Mr Miliband accepted previous US assurances that no rendition flights had landed on British soil or flown through British airspace since the 9/11 attacks in 2001, that had been given in good faith in accordance with our "special relationship" with the USA that means that we get treated as nearly an equal or at least like a lap dog by the United states and actually get told information.

Nevertheless, he said that for the "avoidance of doubt", Foreign Office officials would now be drawing up a list of flights involving UK facilities about which concerns had been expressed.

America has assured the British government that the flight schedule codenamed "Secret prisoner torture transport " was merely a name and it only transported equipment like bibles for the troops.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Wal-Mart Insults With Quality And Intolerance

A branch of the retailer store Wal-Mart in Utah has apologised to a Muslim woman who said she was mocked because of her face veil.

"Please don't stick me up," a cashier joked with the shopper forgetting that 95% of Muslims are without a sense of humour.
This figure comes from The Council on American-Islamic Relations if you doubt it then name 10 Muslim stand up comedians.

It was lucky that the staff member manning the exit door checking receipts didn't search under her burka to see if she had been shop lifting.

Renaldo Rodriquez, a vice president and regional general manager apologised in a signed letter and hoped that the woman blowing herself up in the car park killing 12 shopping carts was not a consequence of the comment.

"I can assure you that the associate in question was disciplined in accordance with our employment policies as a result of the situation," Rodriguez said without disclosing details though disciplinary actions are thought to include getting buried up to the waist and a stoning in the garden dept.

Rodriguez said employees at the Riverdale store would undergo "sensitivity training," specifically in the Islamic faith, Muslim culture and that of other 3rd world peoples.

At Wal-Mart headquarters in Arkansas, spokesman Philip King confirmed the letter and declined further comment but did mention his support of the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and yelled "America f*** yeah."

"We applaud Wal-Mart for taking appropriate action to resolve this incident," said Yasser Abu Motrin, executive director of the council's Nevada chapter as the group doesn't have an office or training camp in Utah.

He went on to admit his surprise that minimum workers in a dead end job were not more enlightened as peace and hospitality was the Muslim way.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Fish That Makes A Piranha Look Cuddly

A savage fish more deadlier than a piranha has been caught on British shores for the first time.

The 2 foot giant snakehead was caught by angler Andy Alder in Lincolnshire as he fished for pike on the River Witham near North Hykeham.

Dubbed the "gangster" of the fish world, it eats everything it comes across and has been reported to kill people.

The monster fish, which is from south-east Asia, can also "crawl" on land and survive out of water for up to four days.

Locals know to keep a careful watch on cattle near the water as a school of snakeheads have been known to crawl up onto the land and kill livestock, feasting and then crawling back into the water again.

It already has a fearsome predatory reputation in other parts of the world.

In the U.S, the fish has been described as a "FrankenFish" as its like something out of a horror film.

Alder said: "It had a gob full of razor-sharp teeth. To be honest it looked terrifying."

Anglers and conservationists are panic-stricken after its discovery in Britain.

An Environment Agency source said: “The reaction was, 'Oh s***'. This is the ultimate invasive species — if it starts breeding here it's a disaster."

Ben Weir, of the fishing magazine Angler's Mail, said: "In all my time of working within fishing I have never heard so many concerned voices.

"These guys are the real deal and have attacked humans.
Everyone within the angling and fishery world have been left gobsmacked by its capture."

Experts have examined pictures of the fish and confirmed it was the predator. It is on a blacklist of species that cannot be imported into the UK.

Catching the vicious fish is considered great sport in Asia and its bones are ground up and used as an aphrodisiac.

One of the world's leading angling guides, Jean Francois-Helias of Angling Adventures Thailand told OBB News: "That fish is a giant snakehead, or channa micropeltes, the meanest of all snakehead species they have no fear."

The same fish caused chaos when they made it into the U.S. in 2002.
Snipers were set up on river banks to shoot them and entire lakes were poisoned in a bid to wipe them out.

Adult snakeheads can grow to 3ft and weigh as much as 44lb.

Farmers Find Love

The Pennsylvania hills has hard working simple farm folk living there but ever since a 2005 law was passed forbidding the marrying of close relatives the hard working people have become lonely and less likely to find themselves a mate.

Sonya Rinker ,24, and Tom Henisee lived 57 miles apart when they both signed up for an online matchmaking service for $30 for three months that buys a profile and a photo posted to an online site.

Sonya Rinker was looking for a guy who was kind, respectful, well endowed and loved John Deere tractors.

Tom was shy and owned two vintage Deere tractors. He had been looking for a girl who looked like Carrie Underwood who'd milk the cows at 3 a.m. and work a six-day week.

Sonya said: "I was set on getting a farmer or someone who had the same interests as me and I couldn't find any around here."

Tom had been searching for someone on the matchmaking service for eight months without any luck and was ready to call it quits.

When they saw each other's profiles online, the desperate couple began e-mailing.

For seven months, they exchanged e-mails, first names only. Then they traded phone numbers and talked for 13 straight days and then they decided it was time to meet.

Jerry Miller, an Ohio publicist who started up the dating service said: "Sometimes the farmers will be a little direct. A lot of the matchmaking sites will say something about romance and smoochy talk. But some guys will say 'You have to be able to milk a cow and bale hay.' I've talked to a few and said, 'You know this isn't a help wanted.' "

In more than two years, Mr. Miller says the online matchmaker has attracted everyone from a young Iowa man who bemoaned the lack of marriage prospects he knew of only 10 single people younger than 25 in a 10-mile radius to a 90-plus woman who said she wanted a "real man like Old Knudsen ."

So far, more than 40 couples have married, Mr. Miller says. They have been young, middle-age and elderly. First-timers, divorcees and widows.

The "successes" have no pattern. Sometimes, two people just click. This is how it happens.

On Sonya and Tom's first date Sonya's grandfather was a chaperone, he sat quietly in the back of her Jeep polishing his shotgun until they reached the Bonanza steakhouse, after a few drinks the retired farmer chatted to Tom about tractors and artificially inseminating heifers.

"He just took to Tom right away," Sonya remembers. "They just hit it off. He thought Tom was a good kid."

Sonya's first impression: "He was he was too short and not much ass to grab hold of ."

Tom's thought: "She was a big girl. Are you sure you want to date her?" but by then he was too afraid of her to back down. In the pictures she had sent him she looked a lot like Carrie Underwood.

But they had much in common: close families, love of land, animals and Kung Fu movies.

Though Sonya works in an insurance office, she has 11 goats, chickens and is a heifer. She also helps Tom with milking chores on the weekend.

"I know he isn't afraid to get down dirty and nasty ," she says. "I'm not a prissy little girl, I'm all woman with needs and desires."

"I was just overwhelmed by how easy it was to talk with her," he says. "I have problems talking with people as the ghost of my death twin brother keeps interrupting me and throwing me off. For some reason, it really clicked with her. It's like it was meant to be, also I couldn't get anyone else."

Sonya's grandfather died last summer. Soon after, when the couple stopped in to check on his place, Tom had a surprise: He told her it was time to bring some new happy memories to the house, then presented Sonya with a ring, got down on one knee and proposed.

She said yes.

Story correction:

It was reported in this story that Sonya Rinker was a heifer. Ms Rinker owns a heifer.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Podgy Posties No Longer Discriminated Against

A thin toned postal worker is mobbed by a "Postie Groupie" in Australia at the moment mail carriers are seen as sex symbols, this new weight limit rise may change that.

Australia's postal service has raised its weight limit for new recruits to attract a wider range of applicants.

The 90kg (198lb) weight limit had been introduced to allow the use of 110cc Honda motorbikes to carry a "postie" plus 40kg (88lb) of mail.

Honda and the Australia Postal service have decided the bikes could safely carry a bigger boned driver.

The service has been unable to attract enough lighter applicants as thin people don't want to work as badly as meaty wagons because fat people need more money to buy more food.

Union representative Michael Etue told OBB News that he would not make the weight limit himself and put it down to muscle weighting more than fat and that under his layer of 4 inches of fat is solid muscle.

"We're getting a lot of women riding and Asian people who are a lot lighter (than average fat Australians) but Australia Post cannot meet the demand," he said.

Honda approved the new limit after tests showed the extra weight would not have any significant effect on the stability, handling or safety of the 110cc motorcycle.

Dr Peter Medhurst of the Australian environment committee said: " Fat, Large people are destroying the Earth, look at this motorcycle case as an example. A heavy rider means more fuel consumption and more wear and tear on parts and equipment. Don't pander to fatties, make them work for it for their own and the planets good."

It was later dicovered that Dr Medhurst was bitten by a fat person when he was a child and may have some unresolved issues.

Unions are reportedly unhappy with the move.

They fear the new limit could mean workers will be unable to carry as much mail as they will have bigger lunches to carry leading to overtime work to ensure deliveries.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Scientists Experiment With Lemurs

British scientists are experimenting with Lemurs to determine the effects of head wounds on infantry soldiers.

The Lemurs are strapped to tables, with their heads in a vise, then they are shot with an assault rifle.

The effects are immediately noticeable.

Without their heads, the Lemurs become dis- oriented and lethargic, they have trouble breathing, and no longer function fully as Lemurs.

The scientists speculate that head-wounded soldiers experience similar discomfort.

The Lemurs are kept in cages for 36 hours for observation.

They lose their appetites and often become depressed,which are symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome .

It is hoped that this kind of testing will advance the development of better headgear for troops on the front lines.

Animal rights groups have denounced the testing as "Barbaric" and say they shall campaign for its end.

Brigadier General Underhill commented: " The Lemurs would do worse to our troops given half the chance, no hippy tree hugger will tell the British army what to do, we'll whip the blighters. "

Due to Global warming Lemur evolution has advanced rapidly in the past 30 years. They have doubled in size and are said to have twice the intelligence of a very smart Dolphin or law student.
The most disturbing aspect of lemur growth has been their taste for human blood which has resulted in 48 deaths in Madagascar from 2006 to 2007 though numbers are thought to be higher.

Scientists employed by Hitler experimented by injecting Lemur genes into unborn babies. Rumours of a Human/Lemur hybrid colony in South America still surface now and again.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Coming Soon

A Charity Without Hope And Faith

Northern Ireland woman Marilyn Giboney found out she had been dismissed from her job after checking her voicemail on her mobile phone while in hospital.

The charity 'Victim Support Northern Ireland' learnt that charity begins at home and was ordered to pay the branch manager almost £17,000 after a tribunal ruled her sacking was unfair.

It also had to pay out £16,103 to another branch manager Brenda Faulkner.
She was dismissed after she also allegedly failed to keep an appointment with an uncharitable charity boss.

Mrs Giboney, told OBB News "We were committed to providing a service to victims in our areas and just look what happened to us."

"I spent five years servicing the needs of my bosses and victims of crime, and then I got a message on my voicemail to say that I was sacked for attending an appointment with the doctor, maybe having a green discard leaking from my vagina wasn't a priority to them but it was to me . "

"It's time the public knew what this organisation, which is trying to help victims, is doing to its employees."

"I was at the hospital when I heard the message," she said.
"I couldn't believe it. Before the shock set in I laughed. I didn't think a company could do that."

"But then I realised it was real. I went into work and I noticed my colleagues were distressed. The next thing I knew a temporary member of staff came to the door and handed me a letter in front of everyone. "

"When I got home that night, I listened to the message again a few times. I still couldn't believe it.
Then the next morning I got a recorded delivery, sacking me again, then I received an e-mail, a carrier pigeon with a note around its leg and a billboard set up outside my home all dismissing me , I even got a text message that read, U R Fired " she said.

Mrs Faulkner, a former manager at the Lisburn branch in County Antrim, was sacked by Victim Support on the eve of her 50th birthday.

"I had the most miserable 50th birthday I could have had," she told OBB News.

"I didn't go to a meeting and I was accused of illegal strike action. A letter was sent by singing clown to my place of work, dismissing me. I was absolutely devastated but the clown was a good singer."

"I didn't think something like that could happen in this day and age. It was so absurd I really thought I would be reinstated within the next few days."

Victim Support said it was " disappointed but also pleased with the outcome".

"It is always unfortunate when these situations arise but this is a charity not a free for all ," said a spokeswoman. "

"Our focus remains upon continuing to improve the service we provide for victims of crime and witnesses, on the plus side we did help these two unemployed victims by giving them thousands of pounds, yay us."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Marauding Children Banned

England's commissioner for children and a civil liberties group have joined in on a campaign to ban high-frequency devices intended to drive delinquent children away who hang about in shops and other areas.

The so-called "Mosquito" device emits high-frequency noise which can be heard by young people and can be quite annoying but generally not heard by people over 20.
Al Aynsley-Green, England's Commissioner for Children, has initiated a campaign to get rid of the devices. "I'm very concerned about what I see to be an emerging gap between the young and the old, the fears, the intolerance, even the hatred, of the older generation toward the young."

Mr Aynsley-Green is very fond of young people and is worried that the generation gap between the men that love boys and the boys is growing.

The campaigners claim that about 3,500 of the devices, made by a Welsh company, are in use.

Aynsley-Green said in an interview with OBB News that the devices do not tackle the real problem, which is that children have no place to gather other than on the streets, and has offered his house for such a venue.

"I think it is a powerful symptom of what I call the malaise at the heart of our society," he said.

Shami Chakrabarti, director of the civil rights group Liberty, supported the campaign.

"Imagine the outcry if a device was introduced that caused blanket discomfort to people of one race or gender, rather than to our kids," Chakrabarti said. "The 'Mosquito' has no place in a country that values its children and seeks to instill them with dignity and respect."

Thomas Batey a young shopper said: " Yh I dnt giv a fuk wot u fink of us all cuz yh we all nuf peng nd at least were real nd hav propa m8s who got our backs.

u lot finkin ur gd an betta den us jus cuz u liv posh , we no how da world wrks so at de end of de day yh we de one who gonna b more sucesfull. rappers nd shit r rich nd dey tlk like us nd evri1 likes dem.

Wots ya problem wiv us? betcha dunt say dis 2 our faces do ya cuz u scared of us init cuz we speak truth and stick up 4 ourselves nd m8s nd u hav none."

The Mosquito's inventor, Howard Stapleton, has called for agreement about guidelines for using the devices.

"People talk about infringing human rights but what about the human rights of the shopkeeper who is seeing his business collapse because groups of unruly teenagers are driving away his customers?"

"I got the idea when I went into a clothes shop to buy a sweater, the music was so loud and had no effect on the teens who worked and shopped there but it did drive the older people away from the shop. I had the idea of playing Bing Crosby or Max Bygraves songs loudly but the Mosquito was more user friendly and less cruel."

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Excellent The Engine Is Flooded

The sQuba, designed by Rinspeed Inc. of Switzerland, gives you that sinking feeling when you drive it, the car can go to about 30 feet underwater.
An integrated tank of compressed air enables passengers to continue breathing when submerged, previous tests have shown that both drivers and passengers can drive for longer underwater when supplied with air.
The sQuba was designed as a convertible to let passengers escape in an emergency and so they could feel the water in their hair.

The car is powered by a several electric motors, one propelling the car on land and two others driving the screw underwater, manufacturers have stated that mixing electricity and water is not only safe but fun too .
The sQuba tops out at only 77 mph on land, but comes nowhere near that speed on the water, just 1.8 mph submerged, just fast enough to get into trouble at sea.

Only one of the catchy named sQubas exist so far, and would only cost $1.5 million to build, though for that price you can buy a mini- sub and stay dry.
During the testing of the sQuba a shark got a little too inquisitive but the test driver Hans Gruber was able to send it on its way with a firm punch on the snout, a hand book for underwater troubleshooting is supplied.

Salute Seals Ship's Fate

A mystery of history has been solved by the discovering of this old photograph from 1951.
It is not sure why the USS Marshall a Camano class light cargo ship sunk in the Pacific while taking Korean war dead back to the US but this photograph seems to point to the reason.

Michael Sadler a floatation expert said: " If you shoot numerous holes into the hull of a ship the chances are it may let in some water and disturb the floatation properties of the ship."
The last words of the ship's captain John G Bunday during his distress call suggested he had a slow leak coming from below.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Satellite Roulette

Catch up on the previous story "More Death From Above Expected"

President Bush has ordered the Pentagon to use a Navy missile to destroy a broken U.S. spy satellite that is hurling towards Earth.
The satellite is said to be heading towards Cleveland, Ohio and to minimize the risk to humans from its toxic fuel the military are hoping to intercept it just before it re-enters the atmosphere.

It is the first opperation of its kind undertaken in an effort to minimise the potential harm that may occur to the people in the area where the satellite would crash , the officials said.

Deputy National Security Adviser James Jeffrey, briefing reporters at the Pentagon, did not say when the attempted intercept would be conducted, but the satellite is expected to smash to earth during the first week of March.

"This is all about trying to reduce the danger to human beings," Jeffrey said "we are hoping to deflect most of the debris towards Kentucky and Tennessee which is more acceptable than Ohio .
" Gen. James Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said at the same briefing that the "window of opportunity" for such a shootdown, presumably to be launched from a Navy ship, will open in the next three or four days and last for seven or eight days.
He did not say whether the Pentagon has decided on an exact launch date. Cartwright said this will be an unprecedented effort; he would not say exactly what are the odds of success but as he'll be in a bunker and his pension is safe he isn't too concerned.
He said a Navy missile known as Standard Missile 3 would be fired in an attempt to intercept the satellite just prior to it re-entering Earth's atmosphere. It would be "next to impossible" to hit the satellite after that because of atmospheric disturbances, Cartwright said.

A second goal, he said, is to directly hit the fuel tank in order to minimize the amount of fuel that returns to Earth.

Cartwright also said that if an initial shootdown attempt fails, a decision will be made whether to take a second shot, that decision depends on if it will cost more to lose a few cities or lose one city and a second missile?

Shooting down a satellite is particularly sensitive because of the controversy surrounding China's anti-satellite test last year, when Beijing shot down one of its defunct weather satellites, drawing immediate criticism from the U.S. which means they look more than a little bit hypocritical now.

A key concern at that time was the debris created by Chinese satellite's destruction which killed over 400 of the countries' citizens the exact number isn't known, that will also be a focus now, as the U.S. determines exactly when and under what circumstances to shoot down its errant satellite.

Officials familiar with the situation say about half of the 5,000-pound spacecraft is expected to survive its blazing descent through the atmosphere and will scatter debris , some of it potentially hazardous over several hundred miles.

The officials spoke on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter.
Known by its military designation US 193, the satellite was launched in December 2006. It lost power and its central computer failed almost immediately afterward, leaving it uncontrollable.

It carried a sophisticated and secret imaging sensor with potentially damaging data on board if recovered by a foreign state.

The public is asked not to panic and if they do then to do so in an orderly manner.

Roman Ghost Soldier Captured On Film

George Gunn, 75, said he captured pictures of a ghostly apparition while out walking along a footpath in Outwood, West Yorkshire.

A member of Outwood Community Video Club Mr Gunn said he thought the figure looked like that of a Roman soldier.

He said he had heard tales of ghosts being seen in the area but never believed in them.

The apparition appears to be still in the footage, but fades momentarily as two people jog through it. Mr Gunn likes to film joggers as they bounce along and did not notice the figure until he reviewed his film later in the day.

Mr Gunn said: "I've had the camera for quite a while now and I have never had any problems with lighting or sun glare or anything like that."

"There is something peculiar about it."

Mike Hooley, who is also a member of the video club, said: "When I saw the film I was quite amazed really, the jogger on the left was a well built lass and wasn't wearing a bra ."

When asked by an interviewer on local television as to why the ghostly figure isn't moving Mr Gunn replied, "well hes dead you see."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

How To Keep your Love Alive

Britain's longest living married couple are celebrating their 80th Valentine's Day, they say a kiss every night and a jolly good buggering is the secret of keeping love alive.

Frank and Anita Milford met in 1926 and married two years later. They live together in a care home in Plymouth.

Frank, who was 100 at the end of January, said: "We don't go in for big Valentine's Day gestures, being in love is something you do every day whether you want to or not , thank God for Viagra."
"Waking up to the same tired old face beside you everyday for 80 years is great, I pity those who sleep with a different person every night exploring new heights of sexual excitement every time."

Anita, who is 98, says they still have little disagreements on a daily basis like when Frank eyes up the young 80 year-olds.
She said: "Not big rows, just the odd cross word and then the angry make up sex. As far as I'm concerned, it's healthy."

Married at Torpoint in Cornwall, they lived in a three-bedroomed bungalow in Plymouth for over 70 years before they decided to move into their care home in 2005 and become swingers.

Frank said: "To win over your sweetheart you need a dose of old-fashioned chivalry, don't let her catch you with other women, lots of alcohol and don't let your standards slip.

"We do everything together even after nearly 80 years, sometimes with other couples."

"We really just couldn't be bothered to get divorced so we live in ignorant bliss and denial, It's our golden rule." Anita said.

Who Ya Gonna Call ? Easington Council!

Easington Council employed medium Suzanne Hadwin to rid a County Durham home of a "poltergeist" after tenant Sabrina Fallon reported paranormal activity including moving objects.

Miss Fallon had even called police after hearing bangs which terrified her children Shannon, nine, and Amie, one.

The banging continued especially when she locked Shannon in a cupboard and doors began slamming in her face mainly on windy days with the windows open. " It be a ghost" said Miss Fallon, "It be big black and hairy and I be a feared of it."

Andrew Burnip, the council's homelessness and housing advice manager, said the family had been left "traumatised" and £60 for the psychic's fee was the most cost effective solution and better than repairing drafts and exterminating rats.

The council considered re-housing the family in temporary accommodation but this would have cost up to £40 per night and medication was even more expensive.

Miss Fallon said: "It all started before Christmas. We were away and my sister's husband had the keys."

"He let himself in one night to look through my underwear drawer and heard whispering and banging from upstairs. He shouted out: 'You better get out or I'm calling the police."

"He said my dressing gown then came floating down the stairs and landed at his feet and a pair of my silk panties appeared in his pocket ."

"He ran out and rang me crying like a girl saying something awful had happened I thought he was drunk,but no he was just high, when we came back we heard the bangs and whispering.

It was like it was inside the walls, I could hear, ' oh yeah do it baby, daddy likes that' and I was sore afraid."

Psychic Suzanne Hadwin, 35, was paid by Easington District Council to exorcise a poltergeist from the family home. She cut her usual over inflated exorcism fee of £300 to £120. Easington District Council gave £60 to help pay for it.

Suzanne said: "Sabrina rang me two days before Christmas telling me she had lots of problems in her house."

When I spoke to her I realised there was a very bad spirit in the house its called cheap vodka, there had been a murder there and wondered where the father of the children was."

"I went into the house and there was a horrible atmosphere and the decor was horrendous too," she said.

"I could feel the entity around all the time. He was bombarding the house and the whole family they were terrified."

"I put down a circle of salt, asked the family to be present and I have now sent him on his way."

A spokesman for the Council, said: "This is the first time we have had to take such action. However, the tenants were pleased with the outcome."

Anyone who has ever seen a poltergeist film knows they are attracted to young children. The Paranormal Society Of Great Britain suggests putting your children up for adoption before hiring an expensive ghostbuster as that may also solve the problem.

What You Talking About Knudsen?

"Diff'rent Strokes" star Gary Coleman, 40, married 22-year-old Shannon Price in August and have only just released the news as his virginity was very important to him.

"I just want my own identity as well because I don't want to be known as Gary Coleman's wife the cherry popper," she said.

When Coleman was asked about the difference in height he said, "Oh I think I'm at the right height for what she likes."
Upon hearing that, this reporter threw up in his mouth a little.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Looking Good For Jesus

In Singapore a range of products with the tagline "Looking Good and feeling Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores after some Roman Catholics complained the items were disrespectful.

Promising to "Redeem your reputation and more," the product line included items like a "virtuous vanilla"-flavored lip balm "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream, John the Baptist bag balm and "In the Priesthood lubricating gel" as well as bags, cock rings and other items sold by British retailer Topshop and produced by Blue Q.

Wing Tai Retail, which manages Topshop in the city-state, removed the range late last month after receiving complaints and threats of legal action .

"These products trivialize Jesus Christ and Christianity,"
said Arthur Roache Coadjutor Bishop of Leeds, one of the complainants. "There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products I love Jesus but I'm not 'in' love with him. I love Roger the Altar boy."

On the packaging of one of the products, Jesus, wearing a bright white robe, looks heavenward while a blonde, heavily made up Jezebel of a woman with an arm draped across his shoulder gazes dreamily at his face.

"Why would anyone use religious figures to promote such products? It's very disrespectful and distasteful," commented 24-year-old accountant Grace Ong, also Catholic, " Though I must say the Mary Magdalene angel head vibrator is number one and I have loved it long time."

TV commercials that say: "Only the beautiful people get into Heaven" and Satan saying, "Thats hot" have also been pulled.

An unnamed Wing Tai Retail spokesman apologized for offending the Christian community, but said: "maybe they should lighten up and stop over acting like crazy Muslims, next they'll be burning flags."

Wing Tai Retail officials could not be reached for comment because the company's office was closed for the Lunar New Year holiday.

The Hollywood Report

The Lovely Natalie Portman, 15, celebrates the launch of her vegan shoe line in New York City. (Vegans do not use or consume animal products of any kind.) 5% of all vegan shoe profits will be going to charity, probably some charity with cute tasty animals.
The shoes will run you about $200, far cheaper than the Stella McCartney vegan heels.
Dr Spock a life long Vegan commented: "Live long and prosper in high heels ."

Matt Damon

may be a caring, hands on father to his baby girl but when it comes to changing diapers the Bourne Identity star gets bummed out. "They just seem to get away from me," said the actor to OBB News. Matt's wife Luciana gets the diaper honours.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mummy Is In The Bath

Phoenix, Arizona a mummified body was found in a bathtub filled with dirt in an apartment that was stacked to the ceiling with garbage and human waste.

Owners of the small unit thought it had been abandoned in August, when rent stopped being paid. Six months later just to give everything more time to stew the owners leapt into action and paid other tenants in the complex to clean it out.

The cleaners began by removing garbage and boxes and buckets filled with human waste.

When they got to the bathroom , they found the bathtub filled with dirt and covered with plastic, a sheet and plywood. When they started shoveling the dirt out, they found the leg of a body and called police then asked for a pay rise.

The body was part skeleton and partly mummy, and that it had been there at least several years, it is not yet known if it has a curse on it.

"Very unusual, very bizarre," said police Sgt. Joel Tranter . "This guy was literally buried in the bathtub."

Tranter said the body may be that of a man who rented the unit in 1995 and was last seen seven years ago. He said the property owners saw a man they didn't recognize at the unit four years ago and asked him who he was.

The man identified himself as the original renter. The owners didn't push the issue because they were only interested receiving rent checks.
That man has not been seen since August, and Tranter said police are looking for him.
Autopsy results have not yet been released but the mummified body had several holes in its flesh and may have been used for sexual gratification. Police are hoping to obtain DNA from the corpse.

A Sasquatch Of Colour

The Journal of Mormon History recently published a new investigation into stories suggesting that the Sasquatch or Bigfoot monster is really Cain, the second son of Adam and Eve who murdered his brother Abel.

The article's author, Matthew Bowman cites a 1919 manuscript describing Hawaiian missionary E. Wesley Smith "being attacked by a huge, hairy creature similar in appearance to Rosie O'Donnell whom Smith drives off in the name of Christ" the night before the mission was dedicated.

His brother being an expert in whacky stuff tells him the attacker must've been Cain. And then he refers him to a story by a celebrated Mormon martyr who was one of Joseph Smith's original twelve apostles.

In 1835, as evening fell, missionary David W. Patten had spotted a figure walking near his mule in Tennessee. His tall, dark body was covered with hair, he wore no clothing, and......he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro.

He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men.

I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the Holy Priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight.

Not very understanding to the stranger reaching out for help, all he wanted was some spare change.

The connection to Bigfoot happens around 1980 in Davis County, Utah. First there is the publication of The Miracle of Forgiveness, which reprinted the original Patten story and also a rash of Bigfoot sightings.

The stories began to merge and gain an urban legend status particularly on Utah's college campuses and as we know students will believe anything especially if their grades are depended on it.

The book of Genesis does specify that God issued the mark of Cain, "that whosoever found him should not kill him." But did it give him immortality and a pelt like Robin Williams ?

Brigham Young believed that God punished Cain's ancestors, and that "the mark of Cain" was black skin, large penis' and natural rhythm . It is a well known historical fact that Young was jealous of the dancing abilities of coloured folk .

DeShawn Jackson From the Freeman Underground Movement said: " This ties in to the whole Planet of the apes spear chucker conspiracy invented by whitey to keep the black man down. If Sasquatch is a brother then I welcome him to join us to bust a few caps into Brigham Young's ass, him and his 52 wives."

If you meet up with a Sasquatch intent on destroying the souls of men it is advised that you scream and shout making yourself seem as big as possible, then run in a serpentine fashion. If you are unable to run then curl up in a ball and play dead and wait for imminent death. Women have nothing to fear from Cain as he likes the ladies.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Pimple Faced Vampire Werewolf On The Prowl

Kristian Allen Carl a 19 year-old man from Pottsville, Pennsylvania convinced himself that he is a Vampire/Werewolf hybrid, probably because of his compulsion to sniff bottoms and pee on trees and his dislike of garlic .

He told told a 15 year-old girl about his amazing hidden side and that it would be a good idea for her to have sex with him. Maybe it was his Dracula like powers of mind control that made her agree to it.

Sgt. James Joos of the Pottsville police was just stunned by the whole story, especially when Carl showed him his canine teeth to prove his story that he was, in fact, a genuine vampire/werewolf. “I let him know that all mammals, including humans, have canine teeth.”

Carl also told police he had a “guardian dragon that protected him from evildoers.” Lets hope he also has a guardian lawyer dragon to protect him from arrest.

The girl told police that she was Carl's girlfriend or rather 'ghoulfriend' and that she was dating him on purpose to be impregnated with his super Vampwolf seed. Carl said that he knew the girl’s age and knew he could get arrested for having sex with her. Kristian Carl remains free on $25,000 unsecured bail for statutory sexual assault and banned from watching the movie 'Underworld' for 5 years.

It is believed that Dr Van Helsing, Buffy and the girl's father all want to slay him in various ways.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

There Be Dragons

A Komodo dragon has been terrorising Lae city in Papua New Guinea and has sparked a massive police hunt.

The giant reptile has been putting fear into villagers and causing damage to their gardens with its fire breathing .

Police Commander Inspector Ben Neneo said police were working with Morobe Province administrators in a joint effort to find the creature.

"They want to capture it but if needs be they will kill it and probably eat it ," he said.

Dr Gae Gowae from PNG's Department of Environment said under the law they are not supposed to be here and the dragon may face a harsh prison sentence if caught.

Old Knudsen Dragon slayer said: " I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad dragon . Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

Old Knudsen is hoping to buy a bigger boat with the money.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Anna Nicole Seen In Casino

Haven't heard an Anna Nicole Smith story for a while ? It is believed the Playboy Playmate and ex pole dancer haunts the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida where she died in room 607 , February 2007 at the age of 39.

Stephanie Pont was a guest at a party at the hotel's Passion club on New Year’s Eve. She claims to have seen Anna's spirit staggering around the resort grabbing her breasts and shouting, "Trimspa baby!" Pont said: "The ghost looked just like Anna, I saw her in the hotel lobby."

Madam Zelda a famous psychic said: "Anna Nicole is not at rest because of the whole 'who is Dannielynn's baby daddy' issue, she wanted the baby girl and all her millions to go to long term lover, grandfather figure and world famous blogger Old Knundsen."
When asked about her own relationship with Old Knudsen Madam Zelda refused to comment.

Target Sees Red

The staff in the US Target stores usually wear a red shirt to stand out from the customers. The billion dollar retail chain tell the staff to provide their own shirts. 24-year-old Antonio McKenzie walked into a number of stores in southern Florida wearing a red polo shirt.

He helped a few customers, stacked some shelves as he made his way to the electronic section. Then after helping himself to $17-thousand worth of Apple's iPod Touch music players he just walked out unchallenged.

He was however noticed on security camera as he stood out from real employees who didn't do as much work as he did. Paul Dayton the store manager was tracking his moves on the security system as a potential employee of the month.

Customers are advised to be wary of helpful store employees especially ones carrying an armful of expensive electronics.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Teenage Tough Guy Will Have You Whacked

16 year-old Cory Ryder was grounded and not allowed to play his PlayStation or watch TV for weeks. Young Cory was not taking the trash out and his grades were bad as he was skipping school so after he was caught stealing $45 from his sister he got into an argument with his parents and was kicked out of the house but not before threatening to have his family killed .

His mother told the police who sent an undercover officer to pose as a hitman. The gullible Cory offered his father's truck as payment and said: "Two bullets is all it takes." He is now in custody awaiting trial in Maryland.

Food Chain Contaminated By Floating Garbage

A rubbish dump twice the size of the United States has been discovered floating in the Pacific Ocean.

The vast expanse of trash, made up of plastic junk including footballs, bottles, kayaks, Barbie dolls, Lego blocks and carrier bags, is kept together by swirling underwater currents.

The 'Plastic soup' It stretches from 500 nautical miles off the Californian coast, across the northern Pacific, past Hawaii and almost as far as Japan. Its also been called a 'Trash vortex' and it lies just below the surface of the water and cannot be seen in satellite photographs.

American oceanographer Charles Moore discovered the Great Pacific Garbage Patch by chance in 1997 while taking a short cut home from a yacht race.

He said: “Every time I came on deck there was trash floating by. How could we have fouled such a huge area? How could this go on for a week?”

A fifth of sea junk is thrown off ships or oil platforms - the rest comes from land.

He warned that the rubbish could double in size over the next decade if consumers do not cut back on their use of plastics and where do you think helium filled balloons end up? More than a million seabirds and 100,000 marine mammals die every year as a result of plastic rubbish.

Syringes, cigarette lighters and toothbrushes have all been found inside the stomachs of dead seabirds. You could release 100 balloons to promote the environment and end up killing 20 Dolphins.

Research director Dr Marcus Eriksen said: “What goes into the ocean goes into these animals and onto your dinner plate. Otherwise known as TV dinners it's that simple.”

Oceanographer Curtis Ebbesmeyer compared the rubbish to a living entity. He said: “It moves around like a big animal without a leash.” Describing what happens when it reaches land, he said: “The garbage patch barfs, and you get a beach covered with this confetti of plastic.”

The rubbish dump is made up of two linked areas either side of Hawaii. The Japanese have been looking into ways to super-heat the plastic using mircowaves in order to melt the plastic together to form a large floating island which some day could be inhabited by people as land is at a premium in Japan.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Natures Way Is The Key

Chris Foster was at a party having a good time, maybe too much of a good time. After being rejected by every girl at the party he started to do a strip-tease, this was when friends decided it was time to take the 18-year-old computer design student home.

Not wanting to go home Foster swallowed his 2 inch Yale door key as a form of drunken protest. His friends tried to get the key back by making him drink salt water and lick the toilet bowl but that didn't work so he ended up sleeping on an available sofa.

The next day he didn't believe it when his friends told him where his key was until he started to feel unwell.

His friend took him on the bus to the Royal Bournemouth hospital and after waiting for five hours had an x-ray and saw the outline of the key sitting in his stomach.

Foster goes on to say: " I was stunned when I first saw the key in my stomach but then couldn't stop laughing , even the doctors were sniggering. They just told me to wait for nature to take its course then sent me home."

Chris Foster the future of Great Britain.

Ben Mitchem, who accompanied Chris to the hospital, said: "The key was so obvious on the X-ray you couldn't help but laugh."

Doctor Green of the Royal Bournemouth Hospital commented: "Funny to a couple of students but not so funny to Johnny tax payer. Maybe Foster should lay off the alcohol until he learns how to handle it or learns not to swallow things like a 2 year-old and hi-jinks like this won't happen again costing the health service thousands due to drunken louts."
The key emerged 31 hours later and was rinsed off and put back on Chris's fob , saving him the £20 his landlord would have charged for a replacement.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Sex Talk On Gardening Show Gets Too Racy

A caller on the Radio 4 show Gardeners' Question Time asked advice on the Rhodochiton Volubilis, which he said was "commonly known as the BMW, the black man's willy".

Panelists were heard giggling their way through a discussion about the plant, which was broadcast from Chilcompton Gardening Club in Somerset.

Some listeners failed to see the funny side complaining of racist stereotyping and vulgarity by the broadcaster, adding it was unsuitable for children. Who as we all know love to listen to old people talking about leaf rust.

This led to the BBC making an embarrassing apology after the debate. Now the corporation has sparked claims it has pandered to the "politically correct brigade" by apologising.

They say the phrase is a commonly known term for the plant, due to its appearance, and therefore is acceptable to use.

Conservative MP Philip Davies, who sits on the culture, media and sport select committee, has hit out at the BBC's decision to apologise.

He said: "I suspect the people who've complained are probably white, middle-class, sandal-wearing do-gooders with too much time on their hands.

"There are far too many people that are far too easily offended by things that are not intended to upset or are in fact not offensive.

If we carry on like this, people will be scared of saying anything in case some zealot finds it offensive, we should whip the hippy buggers to keep them in their place. "

"I don't think the BBC should have apologised - they are far too easily influenced by the PC brigade."

The show's producer defended the discussion, which featured on the show , saying that innuendo had "been a big meaty part of Radio 4 for decades and the listeners that complained should take a long hard look at themselves ".

During the show the panelists made a series of jokes about the name of the plant.

Gardening author Bob Flowerdew admitted he had "only ever seen one close up and not that size or colour".

Horticulturalist Anne Swithinbank said: "I've seen plenty in my time ... They don't really like the cold, as you can imagine. They shrivel up and look very unhappy."

But their humorous treatment of the subject was branded inappropriate by some of the programme's listeners.

Radio 4 management has admitted it should not have been broadcast, saying it regretted its decision to do so.

It added: "Potential for racial offence is not always an easy thing to gauge. In this case, there was nothing derogatory of black people in the language used. "

"There is no evidence that any of the participants were exploiting, or even had in mind, the 'outdated and patronising stereotype' about black males to which the complainant refers."
"Nevertheless, it is clear that some listeners did infer a derogatory intention in the words used, and did feel offended. We regret this.

With hindsight, we believe it would have been preferable to omit the item from the programme, because of the risk that it could be misconstrued in this way."

Their view was backed up by the BBC's Editorial Complaints Unit which upheld the complaints saying the show had been potentially offensive.

The plant will now be referred to as "Person of colour's penis."

Willy Johnson of the black defamation league said: " We oppose any type of negative stereo typing but really don't mind the myth about the black man having a huge penis. We get all sorts of ass from women just curious to find out."

The show's producer Trevor Taylor also defended his decision to air the segment, saying it was "entertaining" and besides what black people are going to be listening to a gardening show on Radio 4?

Smiley Face On Mars

The amazing image was captured by a satellite from the surface of Mars.

The latest picture comes after a satellite image last month showed a man-like figure on Mars. Now we find that the Martian is a stoner and is mocking us.

Experts say if the planet once had surface water, there was the potential to support life.

Analysis of soil showed it contained 90% silica a concentration only likely to have formed when water is present.

The far right group 'Moms Against Mars' has issued calls for the Whitehouse to carry out missile strikes on the happy face and the rock formation face that was found in the 70's.

A spokesperson for the group said: " If we allow the man on Mars to taunt us this sends out a signal to other planets that the Earth is weak and before you know it we'll be harvested for food."

Laura Bush is a member of 'MAM' so the call to arms does have some weight behind it.

Experts have not ruled out the existence of Martian bases under the planet's surface, a type 4-A missile should be able to penetrate them and show them who is boss.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Truth Is History

In a survey of 3,000 people commissioned to celebrate UKTV Gold's forthcoming Robin Hood season some very disturbing figures have come to light.

Many Britons are not sure which historical figures are fact or fiction. One in four believe that Winston Churchill and Florence Nightingale are myths and more than half think Sherlock Holmes actually existed.

It probably doesn't help things that in a Star trek the next generation episode Commander Riker states that Sherlock Holmes is his most favourite historical character, an ironic warning about the future maybe.

In a new survey, 47% of people thought that Richard the Lionheart, the 12th-century English king, was a myth.

Charles Dickens, one of the most famous and boring writers in English literature, was a fictional character himself.

Indian political leader Gandhi; Cleopatra, ruler of ancient Egypt; adventurer Sir Walter Raleigh;Popeye the sailorman; British military leader Bernard Montgomery; and Boudica, were all thought to be characters dreamt up for films and books.

Over half of those questioned (58%) believe that the detective Sherlock Holmes created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for his novels of the late 1880s actually lived in Baker Street, with his lover/sidekick Watson.

David Niven head of research at the UK pollsters 'Detail Results' said: "Its no wonder that the bible is now frequently shown as fact on the History channel, just throw in some actual place names and some known kings and queens and people will believe it."

:: Historical figures and the percentage of Britons who believe they are myths:

1. Richard the Lionheart (47%)
2. Winston Churchill (23%)
3. Florence Nightingale (23%)
4. Bernard Montgomery (6%)
5. Boudica (5%)
6. Sir Walter Raleigh (14%)
7. Duke of Wellington (4%)
8. Cleopatra (4%)
9. Gandhi (3%)
10. Charles Dickens (3%)
11.Old Knudsen (25%)
12.Ronald Reagan (7%)
13. Peter Pan (28%)
14.Frodo (4%)
15.Uncle Sam (9%)

:: Fictional figures and the percentage of Britons who believe they are real:Sherlock Holmes (58%)Biggles (33%) John Wayne (68%) Jesus (89%) Tom Cruise (2%)