Wednesday, August 27, 2008

100 Things To Do And Then You Can Die

Dave Freeman, the co-author of "100 Things to Do Before You Die," a travel guide that recounts odd adventures died after hitting his head in a fall at his home. He was 47.

The book's recommendations ranged from the obvious - attending the Academy Awards and running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain - to the more obscure - taking a voodoo pilgrimage in Haiti, "land diving" on the Island of Vanuatu, which Freeman once called "the original bungee jumping" ,chasing the dragon and having midget sex.

On Sept. 11, 2001, Freeman watched the second plane hit the World Trade Center from his apartment just blocks away. He moved back to Southern California to be closer to his family and to feel more safe.

He was currently working on the book "100 safety tips for around the home" he had not reached falling and hitting your head yet. It will be released as a tribute but renamed "83 safety tips for around the home."

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Even Criminals Need Sympathy For Getting Caught

Hallmark are known for covering almost every event in your life from births to deaths to contracting painful STD's in their greetings cards.

Their card that covers death from a painful STD is a world wide best seller but never one you want to receive in the mail.

The Three Squares greeting card company have tapped into yet another one of the events in life that more than 1% of Americans will experience, getting sent to prison.

The cards are filled with tough-love messages; for example, the Christmas card reads "You had the choice to be 'naughty or nice.' And you chose...Oh well, now you have to do your time. But, Christmas won't be the same without you here. Stay safe. Merry Christmas."

nother card reads "We have not spoken in a long time. I'm ready to start communicating. I'll start by saying, your absence in my life hurts. I love you." Still.

My personal favourite would be " I told you so you stupid f**ker. I hope robbing that Mini Mart was worth all the shower rape........ enjoy."

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Bigfoot Still On The Loose

In a major shock it turns out that the Bigfoot body found by Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton from Georgia, North America, was a fake.
The pair put up a Youtube showing the frozen Bigfoot body on their web site and then were interviewed on radio about the find.

After receiving an undisclosed sum of money they handed the frozen ape like mass to the Searching for Bigfoot team.

The DNA tests revealed the body to be an Ape costume with cinder blocks to add weight and animal guts thrown on top.

Dyer and Whitton admitted the hoax and then ran away. Whitton a police officer of seven years who was on medical leave after being wounded in the line of duty has been fired from his job for being a big fat liar.

It is believed that the stress of the Russian invasion of Georgia led the couple to lie to gullible morons about finding a mythical creature. Following the old adage of 'A fool and his money are easily parted' they proceeded to take advantage.

The Searching for Bigfoot team should try the Searching for real jobs team instead.

Friday, August 22, 2008

There Is Such A Thing As A Free Meal

A Canadian couple finally took a restaurant up on an offer that arrived 15 years ago by balloon.

For its 1993 grand opening, Nicky's Restaurant in Canton, Ohio, North America, released balloons with attached cards good for a free dinner for two.

One of the balloons made it across Lake Erie and into the backyard of Margaret and Ken Savory in Waterford, Ontario.
They were treated to pork chop dinners when they presented the card at Nicky's.

Owner Nick Augoustinos says he was shocked that they'd held on to the coupon for so long but when he found out they were cheap Canadians it all made sense.

Health problems had kept the couple from coming sooner, Margaret Savory said, adding: "I think that in back of my mind I was hoping that one day I would feel well enough to see if the place was here."

OBB News advises readers to phone the restaurants up first to see if they are still in business before making travel plans and for restaurants to put a use by date on any coupons sent out as this couple just got a free meal and probably will never return.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Are The Children Happy?

An Argentine priest went on trial charged with 17 counts of sexual abuse and corruption of three young boys.

Julio Grassi, 52, abused three boys who attended his well-known “Happy the Children” Foundation for underprivileged youths. The boys are on a list of more than 350 witnesses who will testify against Grassi over the next few months. The archbishop of Buenos Aires is also on the list.

The “Happy the Children” Foundation was created in 1993, and made Grassi into a renowned figure in Argentina, allowing him to bring in thousands of dollars in donations.

Many important public figures like actors Danny Glover, Sean Penn and presidential failure Al Gore have since distanced themselves from the priest.

Grassi reiterated a claim of innocence during a recess due to “irregularities” in the case, according to his lawyers.

The judge presiding suffers from Irritable bowel syndrome or IBS .

The priest has a Web site on which he also declares his innocence and says his life’s purpose is “to save children from a life on the street and give them a helping hand so they feel wanted and pretty."

More than 90 percent of Argentines identify themselves as Catholics, although less than 20 percent are practicing.

To that 90 percent the Protestant faith doesn't require so much practicing just turn up for a few Sundays and you are in.

The Bishop of Leeds said in a statement earlier, "Priests will be priests I've enough trouble keeping my lads in check without all that Latino blood rushing to their lower heads. Where is the harm as long as you happy up the children?"

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Miners Dig Ugly Women

The mayor of a remote Australian mining town has come under fire after saying that female "ugly ducklings" might benefit from its shortage of women.

John Molony told OBB News that "with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa".

The council has since been swamped with complaints from both men and women.

But Mr Molony has refused to apologise for the remarks, saying he was "telling it like it is" in the Queensland town.

Located 1,829km (1,136 miles) from Brisbane, Mount Isa is home to one of the world's biggest underground mines.

In 2006, there were just 819 women aged 20-24 living there out of a total population of 21,421, according to the most recent census.

A fellow councillor, Jean Ferris, said the invitation to "beauty-Disadvantaged women" had caused consternation among both sexes.

"It's an absolute disgrace," she said. "It's not council's view and it's not mine. It's hard when you've got to defend something someone else has said. We're definitely appalled."

For the record Jean Ferris is quite the minger if fact a real double bagger.

Mr Molony has since refused to retract his marks and insisted he is "a bloke who respects women".

"I believe we should look after women," he said. "I'm told men outnumber women here by five to one. If that's the case, then perhaps it's an opportunity for some lonely ugly women, even retarded ones are welcome."

Well there are plenty of them in Australia so maybe romance can be found for all. Even people with the face of a bulldog licking piss off a nettle need love too.

Monday, August 18, 2008

No More Humping For These Three Men

Asian hunchbacks are said to be more potent than African according to The Lancet medical journal.

Police at Bibiani in Ghana, Africa, have arrestted three suspects in connection with the killings of hunchbacks and removal of their humps for rituals .

Nuhu Billa, also known as ‘Apana’, 50, Abdul Rahman Mohammed, ‘Taller’, 45, and Alidu Musah, also known as ‘Bon’, 44, were arrested in Bibiani, for allegedly murdering a 65-year old hunchback, YakubuBusanga, on July 22.

Busanga was said to have been abducted from his home at Bibiani on July 22, and his body was found three days later concealed in a sack at a refuse dump in the town, with a rope tied to his neck and the hump removed.

They are also suspected
of having killed two other hunchbacks and removed the humps two weeks before the murder of Busanga.

The suspects sell the humps to prominent people in the society for rituals with the belief that the blood of a hunchback is very potent for sexual virility, hair growth and removing those tough stubborn stains.

Within a spate of seven months, nine people had been murdered in the Bibiani area. They involved missing people who were later found dead with parts of their organs
and pianos missing.

Albinos and old women in the area are pleased they are going after someone else for a change.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Who Said The Lotto Is For Idiots That Can't Do Math?

Roanoke, Indiana, North America Bobby Guffey usually plays the same combination of numbers representing the birthdays of his five children.

But he left his glasses at home when he bought the winning ticket accidentally entering the last number as 48 instead of 46.

The Hoosier Lotto ticket ended up being worth $3 million.

"My wife says it pays to be blind," Guffey said after he accepted his winnings at the Indiana State Fair in Indianapolis.

Guffey, said he didn't realize he'd used the wrong number combination until he had left the Huntington service station where he bought it so he went back inside to buy a ticket with his usual numbers and that ticket won him $1,000 to go along with the jackpot.

He has been playing the Hoosier Lotto since it started in 1989. He said he's won about $5,000 on various tickets over the years.

He said to his wife, Janell, "pack your bags I've won the lotto" and kicked her out then he reconsidered as Janell is quite the babe. They are going to take a cruise to Hawaii next year and set up a trust fund for their five scrounging children and 10 grandchildren.

"Christmas will be a lot nicer," she said.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Bigfoot Ate My Baby

It must be true as they have hats.

Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer showed on their web site a photograph of a hairy heap they claimed to be Big foot.

One of the two samples of DNA said to prove the existence of the Bigfoot came from a human and the other was 96 percent from an opossum, according to Curt Nelson, a scientist at the University of Minnesota who performed the DNA analysis.

Results of the DNA tests were revealed in an e-mail from Nelson and distributed at the Palo Alto, California, news conference held by Tom Biscardi, host of a weekly online radio show about the Bigfoot because there wasn't any real news that day.

Most scientists doubt that these creatures exist, but thoughts of the discovery of a new species that might be the closest living relative to man, or the possibility of finding a leftover dinosaur, excite the imagination of scientist and nonscientist alike
spawning movies and TV shows and increasing tourism to the area. Soon every sick bear or noise in the dark becomes Bigfoot.

Scientists generally believe there are still many species of birds and mammals that have not been discovered because they live in remote areas and their populations are limited. After all, the gorilla and giant panda were only legends until the late 19th century when their actual existence was first confirmed by scientists.
The komodo dragon, a 10-foot-long lizard, wasn’t known to science until 1912. The coelacanth, a deep-water prehistoric fish, was known only from 65 million-year-old fossils until 1938 when a specimen was caught alive of f the Madagascar coast
The Jackalope which is a rabbit with horns resembling that of an antelope was found to exist in Northern Australia only in 1952

Just last year a Navy torpedo recovery vessel dropped a sea anchor into 500 feet of water off Hawaii
and hauled up a 15-foot new species of shark as if we need more of them . The dead shark, named megamouth after its bathtub-shaped lower jaw, had an enormous, short-snouted head and 484 vestigial teeth all the better to eat you with.

What would happen to a new species if found alive? in
Washington county ,America so many people have been out hunting for a Bigfoot that a fine of $10,000 and a 5-year jail term for anyone who kills a Bigfoot would be enforced.
The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers even lists Bigfoot as one of the native species in its Environmental Atlas for Washington.

Florida and Oregon legislatures also considered bills protecting “Bigfoot” type creatures. A Bureau of Indian Affairs policeman has 18-inch plaster cast footprints of the “McLaughlin monster,” a Bigfoot-type creature he saw last month in South Dakota .

Scientists wishing to study and dissect endangered species are required to have a permit issued=2 0by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service or you can just go to your local post office and get one.

Does Bigfoot exist ? we know plaster casts of his feet do. As long as there are Americans being probed by UFO's and searching for the Loch Ness monster there will always be Bigfoot despite the ever growing population and decline of natural habitat .

Harsh Words Sink Careers

The sinking of the Titanic left an impact not only upon the iceberg but upon the hundreds of the survivors and one of them in particular Quartermaster Robert Hichens.

The 20 year-old was at the wheel of the liner on April 15, 1912, when she struck the iceberg that destroyed her.

He was also put in charge of a lifeboat number 6 only to be vilified as a coward for refusing to go back for more survivors.

Mr Hichens stood at the wheel of the Titanic and heard the shout 'hard a- starboard, no the other starboard'. Even though he desperately turned the wheel, the order came too late.

When he took command of one of the lifeboats he got into an argument with one of those aboard, the American socialite Molly Brown who urged him to go back for more survivors.

His order was to take people to safety and then come back for any remaining survivors, but being a yank she knew better and demanded that he go back to the Titanic straight away.

Hichens knew they would be sucked down with the Titanic and argued. When she got ashore, she said terrible things about him which were printed and stuck.

Afterwards seamen thought Hichens was jinxed and wouldn't sail with him and so he drank very heavily to try to fit in but he was publicly shamed, humiliated and racked with guilt .

He died in 1940 aboard a ship when a prank went horribly wrong. He was served with a salad and it was 'Iceberg' lettuce. He
died of heart failure aged 58 and was buried at sea .

Three days later in a cruel twist of fate a small fishing boat steaming for home with a full load hit his floating body and sunk drowning the 4 crew, the boat was named 'Tit watcher'.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Yes Jesus Lubes You

In North Carolina a pastor is accused of breaking into a woman's home and stealing a sex toy and a bottle of personal lubricant.

48 year old Scott Murray faces felony burglary and larceny charges. He was part of the Pastoral Ministries and Outreach programs at New Covenant Church in Clyde for nearly a decade.

The congregation and the entire Clyde community say they are shocked by the news of his arrest. "This is just unreal. I'm sorry for the pastor and his family", says Linda Mason of Clyde.

The church's senior pastor, Nick Honerkamp, said that he and his entire staff were shocked by the allegations. He says he is deeply grieving for the victim and praying for her and her family for their loss, and of course Scott Murray who will burn in hell in a well lubricated way.

This seems to be a case of an Outreach program reaching out a bit too far.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Obese Is Obsolete

Officials in the UK have decided to ban the word 'obese' from letters being sent to parents about their children's weight.
Instead the parents of these children will receive a letter saying such children are "very overweight, big boned or even lard ass has been suggested ."

The move is being called both "prissy" and "namby pamby" by Tam Fry, a member of Board of the National Obesity Forum.

In the United States, they tried to ban the word "fat" and have replaced it with the word "obese." It doesn't stop the chubby food locusts from being fat though.

In the UK, Primary Care Trusts, or PCTs, are being guided to measure children's height and weight at ages five and eleven. Parents can choose not to participate, and so can their children.

In the event that both do choose to participate, the measurements will be sent by letter to the parents and not the children. Naturally, a good portion of the obese children are not participating in the measurements, thereby negating the attempt to correct the situation. Children as little as seven years of age are being diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, which was unheard of in the UK a decade ago.

Does this kind of program carry any weight with the fat ass parents of lardy children? Lazy fat parents are going to lead to lazy fat children, never mind prissy or namby pamby its the parents that should be humiliated not the children, they should be clipped around the ear and told to do jumping jacks.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Cows Get Hot Beef Injection

Brazilian police arrested a man under suspicion of having raped some 400 cows, which he later killed after sex.

Getulino Ferreira Paraizo, 53, was arrested after a cattleman from Aragoinania, in the heart of Brazil, caught him in the act of allegedly slaying three cows and a calf on his property.

In a statement to the police, Paraizo acknowledged that he was responsible for these crimes and explained that he was sexually abused at 13 by a horse, which led him to have intimate relations with mares and horses, and later with bovines.

Police chief Alvaro Cassio dos Santos said that the suspect manifested having tried consorting with a prostitute during his adolesence, but found it "udderly frustrating" .

The usual suspects for the crime were Satanists performing sacrifices as part of black magic rituals, just so cliched as Satanists are all just posers .

The 400 slain cattle were sold to McDonald's so don't be surprised if you are asked, "would you like therapy with that?"

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

Brian Dean, 70, was a private, reclusive man, one who went to and from his Lancaster, England home by the dark of night.
He paid his bills on time, and had a quite substantial amount of money in his bank account probably from his side line of prostitution.

About two years ago
he died in his bed, the automatic withdrawals kept occurring to fund his utilities and other expenses, and no one thought to knock on the door.

Some how after two years police officers figured out that something was amiss and broke down his door. They discovered his body and a huge pile of unopened mail in his hallway .

The good news is that because Mr Dean was dead his quarterly utility bills were quite low.

If you have an elderly neighbour OBB News urges you to check in on them now and again and if you find them deceased ransack their house before you call the police as that would probably be what they would want you to do.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Monks Need Broadband

The monks who live on Caldey Island three miles from the Welsh coast sell perfume, chocolate and a little weed online to support their small community.

They found that slow Internet dial-up connection speeds were proving to be an impediment to their growing business and porn surfing activities .

The Abbot of Caldey Abbey, Father Daniel said "Patience is one of the characteristics of monastic life, but even the patience of brothers was being tested by our slow, dial-up Internet service."

I wonder what kind of language the holy brothers mutter towards their computers. Life is so different these days that the Internet and business needs takes over from Viking raiders of previous centuries, ah to have modern day problems .

Caldey Abbey became the grateful recipient of broadband from a communications tower on the mainland. The tower is run by TFL Group, who are proud to be delivering such a necessary service to the holy island.

The monks now have bling bling crosses around their necks instead of wooden ones due to their growing business and can often be found on Youtubes performing Jackass stunts.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dust Me Off Scotty

Canadian actor James Doohan who played Scotty on Star Trek thus becoming the most famous fake Scotsman until me had one wish for when he died. He wanted his ashes shot into space to burn up upon re-entry.
He and 200 others including Mercury astronaut Gordon Cooper wanted their powdery remains to pollute the universe.

The first rocket crashed in the mountains of the White Sands Missile Range but the container was found and the ashes were returned to the families along with certificates of authenticity. Doohan and Cooper were not finished yet, you can't keep a good pile of dust down.

Space X launched the Falcon 1 with the ashes aboard and a minuscule satellite dubbed Trailblazer for the Pentagon's Operationally Responsive Space Office. Press one for an anal probe, press two for an implant or press three for static.

The Falcon 1 was destroyed before it reached orbit, this time Scotty didn't have time to loop himself into the transporter's buffer.

Citizens of Albuquerque New Mexico found their cars covered in a fine white dust and at first blamed the Sahara sands that occasionally blows dust their way. When they discovered the dust may be famous some put small containers of it up for sale on E-bay.

Elon Musk, SpaceX chairman and CEO said: " We are disappointed that our rockets tend to crash and that a total of three satellites were lost we hope this does not put investers off investing in our company as we have a manned space flight to the sun coming up soon. We will land the Icarus 1 on the sun during winter when its not so hot. We have room for 5 passengers so get your tickets while you can."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Head Man Makes A Point

A wealthy businessman committed suicide by tying a steel rope to a fence, wrapping it round his neck then speeding off in his car.

The car containing the decapitated body of Tadeusz Szewczek sped off down the street as his head bounced towards his home where his horrified wife was watching.

Police are baffled as to why the 48-year-old, from the village of Jakubow in eastern Poland, wanted to kill himself in such a grisly and amusing way.

They said he waited for his wife to come home before taking his own life, isn't that what marriage is about sharing those special moments?

Szewczek's 75-year-old mother Marta said: "I think something went wrong with his marriage recently."

What an amazing piece of insight.

Malgorzata is being treated for shock as the head damaged some of her prized rose bushes.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Christina Applegate In Cancer Battle

Ame Van Iden, publicist for Christina Applegate the 36-year-old actress, released the following statement late Saturday:

"Christina Applegate was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer. Benefiting from early detection through a doctor ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery."

Applegate is among the celebrities scheduled to appear on the "Stand Up To Cancer" one-hour television special to be aired on ABC, CBS and NBC on Sept. 5 to raise funds for cancer research.

We here at OBB News wish Ms Applegate a speedy recovery and offer to give her a hand with her breasts if she needs it.

Armless Man Now Fully Armed

A German farmer who lost both his arms in a cow milking accident has successfully been fitted with two new limbs in what is believed to be the first complete double arm transplant.

Reiner Gradinger, medical director at the Munich University Clinic, said a team of 40 doctors, nurses and assistants spent 15 hours grafting the arms onto the body of a 54-year-old man who had lost his just below the shoulder six years ago, the patient is recovering well and already scratching his bottom, something many people take for granted .

The farmer's name was not released, nor was the identity of the donor a person who died shortly before the surgery from the trauma of losing both his arms.

In the United States in 2006, a Michigan man got a hand transplant 30 years after losing his own in a machine press. Within a year he was able to write and start up a blog but it turned out to be the hand of a chronic masturbator and he had it removed as it inferred with his job of keeping the car park tidy at Burger King.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

In Step With Old Knudsen

Interview by Warriorwoman

I met with Soren 'Old' Knudsen at his Southern California villa. He was charming relaxed, and very active for a man of his years. He introduced me to 'Snack size' the puppy he just rescued when he found it wandering the streets. We sat on the patio and drank some delicious lemonade that was made for him by the orphans at the local orphanage as a thank you for all the help he has given them.

What is your favorite quotable line from a Movie?

"Whenever there is any doubt then there is no doubt." Ronin 1998.

Who is the most famous person you have spoken to?

Myself, as I am a man of great wisdom combined with humour and humble humility.

How many bags/boxes of Potato Chips are consumed at your place in a month?

One maybe two but not every month as America has a poor selection of flavours.

Who is your all time favorite Cartoon Character?

Spongebob Squarepants. That show is just wasted on idiot children.

What foreign food dish do you prepare from scratch and serve?

Foreign to who? I do make curry (a British invention) potatoes, pork chops and cabbage on St Patrick's day as a pretend Irish dish. I make French fries (from France) an Ulster fry and various rice dishes. I eat everything with Miracle whip.

What is your favorite section of the Supermarket?

The International food aisle as sometimes I get a nice surprise and the drink aisle of course.

What was your high school teams mascot and what were the school’s colors?

No mascots. The colours are the usual uniform of black trousers, black blazer, grey or white shirt and grey v-neck jumper and my last school tie was grey and blue stripped we didn't have shoes as we were poor so we tied bits of wood to our feet.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

I hear that line all the time but my answer would be yes.

Thank you Mr Knudsen for your time its been a pleasure.

No thank you Warriorwoman.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Victoria's Secret

A pair of Queen Victoria's bloomers, with a 50-inch waist, were snapped up for $9,000 by a Canadian buyer at a central England auction.

Auctioneer Charles Hanson said Queen Victoria's underpants belonged to "a very big lady of quite small stature with a very wide girth." She was said to be 5 feet tall.

The handmade knickers from the 1890s bear the monogram "VR" for Victoria Regina a real tongue twister. They are a open-crotch style, with separate legs joined by a drawstring at the waist, a popular style in the late Victorian era.

Also up for auction was Queen Victoria's chemise, with a 66-inch bust, sold for $8,000. Her nightgown sold for $11,000 and her ivory handled dildo that went for $10,000.

Queen Victoria lived from 1819 to 1901. She became queen at age 18 and was the U.K.'s longest-reigning monarch. Her reign is noted for both imperial expansion and the decreasing political power of the monarch.

Also for making crotchless panties popular.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Computer Administrator Sabotages System

Terry Childs, a 43-year-old computer network administrator for the Department of Technology in San Francisco has been charged with four counts of computer tampering.

The I.T. specialist had soul access to records such as officials' e-mails, city payroll files, confidential law enforcement documents and jail inmates' bookings .

When police asked for a password Childs gave them one that didn't work and
refused to divulge the real code even when threatened with arrest .

The power mad nutter set up a system of modems that would wipe out the cities' records if the city ever had a power failure causing total chaos. The system was due for a scheduled power down as a test and his devices were only discovered by accident.
Administrators say fixing the damage could cost millions of dollars.

earned $126,735 a year with an extra $22,534 for being an on-call trouble shooter and set the system up as possible job security as he had been disciplined recently for poor performance, it seems that sabotaging multimillion-dollar computer network really cuts into your time and energy.

The crazed I.T. geek is currently
in jail on $5 million bail and claims that the neighbour's dog made him do it . The animal is being questioned by police.

Nathan Ballard, a spokesman for Mayor Gavin Newsom, said, " The majority of I.T. specialists are decent hard working people we need to set an example to the rest that hold down an I.T. job and spam blogs on their breaks that this is not acceptable behaviour. We are hoping to have Child's fingers and eye sight removed so that he will never be in a position to be such a threat ever again."