Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Fairly Good Elf

An 80 year-old fairy has been revealed in exquisite detail by scientists from the UK and Belgium.

The magical pixie had been trapped in an attic and preserved due to the dry air in a house around Paris, France.

The scientists reconstructed its original appearance using an X-ray-based medical imaging technique.

The pictures, published in the journal Feytaxa, "digitally dissect" the tiny creature to expose amazing details such as the preservation of internal organs.

"This is definitely the find of the century, first proof of Bigfoot and now this " said David Fhenny, from Manchester University and lead author on the study.

The fairy is a female and a species new to science. The scientists say that it would have inhabited a wooded area and lived in rings of mushrooms, they had the ability of flight but magical powers are uncertain , a living specimen would have to be studied in a controlled environment.

The Belgian co-authors on the study are based at Ghent University.

Lost The Plot

Lost star Daniel Dae Kim who plays Jin-Soo Kwon on the hit TV series is the fourth cast member to have gotten into trouble with the police, like the TV plot all wrong doers cum to a sticky ending.

Two other actors had their characters shot after their real life DUIs and the third got killed by a CGI cloud after he was acquitted of driving without a license, you see guilt matters not, so very Catholic.

It has been revealed that Kim's character will be fucked to death by space aliens while creepy bug eyed Ben watches as he sits in the corner of the room smoking a cigarette . Teri Hatcher commented earlier, "if only it was so easy for us to break our contracts and get out, lucky bastards."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Brosnan Swears In Front Of His Children

The L.A. County Sheriff's Department is investigating Pierce Brosnan for allegedly battering a man in Malibu. Outside the Casa Escobar restaurant in Malibu which has shite food by the way a photographer Robert Rosen began snapping pictures of Pierce and his kids.

According to Rosen, Pierce enquired, "Why don't you get a real fucking job." Rosen, who thought that chasing down celebs and getting pictures of them without make-up on and intruding upon their family night out was a real job says he then started complimenting Pierce on his Bond roles. I myself thought he was great in Mrs Doubtfire.

Pierce then getting sick of having this person shove his camera in his face then asked , "Why don't you fuck off, mate?" a reasonable question I would have thought and then struck him in the ribs. The Paparazzo then kicked Pierce in the stomach.

Sheriff's spokesperson Steve Whitesmore says his department is "actively investigating" the matter though we doubt that Mr Brosnan is guilty of any wrong doing as the man 'is' Bond even if he isn't in the role, also Rosen sounds a bit Jewish and as everyone knows they start all the wars and if it was me I wouldn't have kicked the crap out of the big nosed money lender for disturbing my children and our night out.

The moral of this story is, when you hit someone in the ribs make sure they don't get back up to kick you.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Where Am I ?

Google has released information that no one knew they kept and owned but do. Do famous people do web searches on themselves and if so who does the most?

The all time highest searcher was Marlon Brando, between 1998 and 2000 he had racked up on his own personal computer 3,250 searches for himself, he also liked to search for pictures of Polynesian women and just before his death in 2004 he got heavily into searches for Latina's.

The second biggest searcher is Christian Slater who just in the past year searched for himself 1,100 times, some of his other searches included hair tonic, Paris Hilton and sex dolls known as "Real dolls."

The third narcissist was the Irish actor Colin Farrell who over the last year searched for himself 809 times, Google refuses to release what other searches Farrell has done.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Over Ear

It will be 44 years next month (22nd November) that president John F Kennedy was shot by gunman Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas, Texas. The never ending question of ,"Did Oswald act alone?" has perplexed the maze like minds of conspiracy theorists ever since.

Now never before autopsy papers on Oswald after he was assassinated by Jack Ruby have been released that may answer the question.
The papers were thought to have been given to Senator Mike Mansfield but never brought out into the open, they state that Lee Harvey Oswald was not a lone gunman because he had an earwig in his ear.
Its a commonly known fact that Earwigs climb into the ears of people and take control of their bodies. The Earwig in question "Earwig X" who was thought to be an active member of the Communist party flew out the window before it could be caught and questioned, many expressed surprise at the time as they had never seen an earwig fly, they had seen a Horsefly and a Dragonfly but never an Earwig fly.

A local Earwig expert was brought in to verify that they did indeed have wings and flight capacity.

Did Jack Ruby kill an innocent man who was not responsible for his actions? the mystery deepens.

Laughing All The Way To The Banksy

Tower Hamlets Council in London doesn't care if Angelina or Blur have bought his graffiti or so-called art, they have stated, " its a crime to graffiti public buildings" and may very well paint over it.

Old Knudsen was on hand to comment as usual:

"The heat is on Banksy the long arm of the law will get you. I used to say that my shoplifting was just me expressing my art but oh no the Judge was a bloody art critic, its people like you who paint Bobby Sands on the side of yer hoose when yer sleeping."
The Graffiti vandal/artist was last seem heading for some caves on the Pakistan border to enlist the support of other subversives.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Don't Mention The War

German Chancellor Angela Merkel and her cheese eating surrender monkey flunky French President Nicholas Sarkozy play the old "you've got something on your tie trick" on British Prime Minister Gordon Brown (texture like sun) at the treaty of Lisbon . If only US President Bush was there to even the score and to give shoulder rubs.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Stroke Of Bad Luck For Kerry

Much to the delight of the crowd, presidential reject, anti war hero commie lover and George Washington look alike John Kerry appeared to suffer a violent stroke. The Senator was well enough to wave 20 minutes later though his face had drooped. A spokesman from the Kerry Camp said that his botox had slipped and the senator was fine.

Hilary Swank caught a bad case of Smallpox it was revealed Wednesday night as she filmed her latest crap movie in Ireland. The actress flew to Mount Sinai hospital in California for treatment and expects to return to the 3rd world to resume filming later this week. Its not like she relies on her looks for roles anyway.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Disney Encourages Crime

Pirate attacks off the African coast and Southeast Asia have risen 14 percent in the first nine months of 2007 from the previous year.
198 attacks on ships were reported between January and September this year, with 174 in the same period in 2006.
Pirates in Somalia are operating with impunity, seizing vessels hundreds of miles off the coast and holding the vessel and crew to ransom forcing them to walk the plank and singing sea chanteys , making no attempt to hide their activity.

These crimes forces us to question whether the Pirates of the Caribbean movies are encouraging such anti-social behaviour.
Johnny Depp was unavailable for comment but Old Knudsen a former salty sea dog and scourge of the six seas was as usual available and more than willing to comment.

" Those Johnny Deep films don't encourage video piracy in my opinion as they are shite, the only crime they encourage is making me put a brick through the window of Blockbuster for making me pay to watch it."
Since the "Pirate" movies first came out the number of pirates checking into rehab has doubled, earlier this year Pirate Steve died of a rum and coke overdose citing in his suicide note "The pressures to be more Piratey."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Bush Tries harder Tactics

Having been fed up with being called a Chicken hawk and a lame duck president . President Bush has gone to the rugged hills of the Afghanistan/Pakistan border to search for Osama himself. Armed only with an AK 47 and accompanied by a special farces expert who is skilled in combat and languages he has gone looking for answers .

The president said; "If you want a job done right do it yourself, I shall beat the snot out of every goat farmer to find Osama to make America safe for our children and my bank account,"

The suspect pictured fell over trying to escape which explains the bruises and blood.

The Congress has condemned the president's actions and will hold a special meeting at the end of November next year right after lunch to discuss it.

Rocky The Giant Lobster

A fisherman from Essex caught a 3 foot lobster, he was fishing in the river Crouch at Barling near Southend. It is being kept at the Sealife Adventure in Southend.
Nicknamed by the staff as "Butter feast the lobster." though the fisher who caught it named it "Rocky" It doesn't matter what it looks like, it all comes out the same colour.

It has an eye missing, and there's a small mussel growing in the empty eye socket that looks quite gruesome.

Mr Elbra 54 , a fisherman with 38 years experience, said: "He was a bit of a big one, I was gobsmacked. I would never have believed they got that size."

Old Knudsen a fisher of many years was available to comment as usual :

"I'll tell you what I can't believe, a sea creature of that size and age being found in a fresh water river and caught by a net, I'm not saying they are lying and were fishing off the coast in forbidden waters but I don't believe it, what were they don't anyway with a net in a river poaching salmon? "

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The US Plays Hardball With Iran

The Bush Administration wants a classification of Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organisation, this would be an unprecedented move as no military group of a foreign power has ever been given this title.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a statement , "I know you are but what am I?"
He then went on to say in that case so are the CIA . He then added that he had taken Rosie O'Donnell as a guest when her boat wandered into Iranian waters and would we please take her back.
The nuclear program may be halted if you would do this. The US didn't give a clear answer but said torture might be an idea.

Former president Carter was on hand to talk about the UFO he had spotted years ago and also said, " That Bush and his father are right cunts, in fact so is Mr and Mrs Clinton, Hilary needs to show more leg and McCain needs to workout. When he was president the oval office was round and he had no interns oh no he was lucky to get the bins emptied", our reported left and turned out the lights on him.

Friday, October 12, 2007

A True Politician

Massachusetts mourns the loss of one of its finest sons. Edward Kennedy, 75 died on the operating table while doctors tried to repair a blockage in the senator's left carotid artery .

There will be a day of mourning in his honour, it will be called "secretaries day" as secretaries from all over the world will no longer live in fear of this thoughtless womanizing killer.

Dr. Richard Cambria who performed the operation is being questioned by police as they don't think he was working alone.

Gerry Adams from Sinn Fein the political wing of the terrorist organization "Irish Republican Army" IRA, said today, " We will miss him greatly especially the money he used to send us , he was indeed a great man, just like me."

Knee-jerk Democrats in Massachusetts need not fear, Phil Spector will be taking over and expects to get your votes, no need to think just vote as usual.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Smack Down In The Blogosphere

Famous Internet blogger Captain Smack was arrested this morning for publishing subversive material relating to kitty pornography. During a dawn raid of his home today an armed response unit entered his house finding Smack and a young tabby still in bed.

If found guilty he could face 40 years in prison or a fine of $10.00 it could go either way. Fellow blogger Old Knudsen was available for comment, " The lad is a fucking dirty shite, always posing shirtless with kitties it makes me sick, cut his nuts off and feed them to him."

Old Knudsen could not say much more as he is to be a character witness for the defense.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Fossett Found

World-famous millionaire adventurer Steve Fossett who has been missing since September when his single engined aeroplane disappeared in Nevada has been found.

It has been well known that he became obsessed with dictator Saddam Hussein which has worried many of his friends and family.

Steve was found living in a hole that was a replica of the one Saddam was found in. He looked well except he was speaking in Arabic and had grown a thick black moustache. After assuring the rescuers he was well he threw some 100 dollar bills at them and told them to go away before he has their families killed.

A search and rescue spokesperson said:"dem rich city folk are plum darn crazy."

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Korean Tension At An All Time High

Pyongyang, North Korea

A group of drunken US Marines from the Naval base at Samtong acted belligerently towards 2 North Korean guards at the north/south border. Out numbered 2 to 9 the Korean guards were forced to hand over their weapons to the marines then they were stripped naked and rubbed with baby oil. The guards were then forced to spit onto a Koran and hit it with the sole of their boots which confused them greatly. The marines then spooned the guards and fell asleep.

North Korea's leader Kim Jong- il was reported to have been outraged and if he didn't have problems with his Dong program and keeping it up he would launch at America.

South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun was highly amused at the whole thing and reminded reporters that hes at least an inch taller than Kim Jong-il.