Bin Laden Message Gives Hope

A new message from Osama Bin Laden has just been released to beat the Christmas rush.

"The American tide is ebbing, so it is best for you to press your leaders to change their policies," Bin Laden said on Al Jazeera television on an audiotape.

"The events of Manhattan were retaliation against the American-Israeli alliance's aggression against our people in Palestine and Lebanon," he said. "I am the only one responsible for it.

The Afghan people and government knew nothing about it. America knows that, the Afghan people are for us to kill and abuse not the west, we tell the Taliban nothing as why would you tell a monkey how to grind an organ?" He said in a particularly revealing part of the message.

"Therefore it is better for you to stand against your leaders who are dropping in on the White House, and to work seriously to lift the injustice against the believers," he said, accusing US forces and their allies of intentionally killing women and children in Afghanistan, even though I obviously support tit for tat killing cos it makes me feel big."

He went on to say, "I shall bravely hide in this cave and send millions to their deaths until it ends the occupation of Afghanistan and Iraq I'm doing this for you ."

In a recent poll in Afghanistan 95% of people voted that accidental death by NATO weapons was far better than Taliban oppression as they were allowed to celebrate weddings and such and now get to watch Big brother on satellite TV.

A CIA spokesman at first denied involvement in the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan but then corrected himself, " We are glad that Mr Bin Laden is accepting responsibility for the 9/11 attacks as that is a major breakthrough in his psychiatric healing, we also hear he has been calling up all the world leaders and victims of his murder as a part of his 12 step program, this is very encouraging."

No Christmas For The Grinch

Seen here in a home video made a month before the shooting.

The green fur covered cave dwelling creature known as "The Grinch" shot and killed three whos today in a dramatic twist to his usual Christmas stealing activities.
The Grinch who has been treated for depression due to having a heart two sizes too small entered Whoville around 3 pm with the intent of ending Christmas for all the whos.
The Whoville police responded quickly and cornered him in a KFC restaurant, after a tense 2 hour stand off a shot was heard.

The Grinch had turned his shotgun on himself. Paramedics announced him dead at the scene.

Chief Wonderblurst of the Whoville police said, " Mr Grinch was under tacit surveillance as he gets a little anxious at this time of the year. In the past his criminal activity was mostly only burglaries of which he was still on probation for we never expected anything of this magnitude. Our sympathies go out to the 3 victims and the families of this tragedy."

Al Gore's Blog Hacked

Al Gore telling of the dangers of his global emissions

Al Gore's Blog on the site ClimateCrisis.net was been hacked into by some technical miscreant. The hacker put up a Joni Mitchell YouTube and a recipe for Fajita Roll-Ups as they couldn't think of anything to post.

When asked why was it called "Global warming" as it wasn't a global phenomenon Mr Gore was unavailable for comment due to the Hollywood writers strike.

Anna Nicole Smith Is Alive

Anna Nicole Smith the former playboy playmate and reality TV star was said to have died on Feburary 8th 2007 at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel in Florida of an accidental overdose.

Dane Brown the author has brought to light new information of a conspiracy to escape the pressures of the limelight and the clutches of the Svengali like personal attorney Howard K Stern with the aid of Smiths friend and psychiatrist, Dr. Khristine Eroshevitz in his new book "ANSwers" the secret life in public.

The sham marriage to Stern and the death of her son Daniel Smith were just too much for her. According to Brown, Anna Nicole faked her own death and had extensive plastic surgery to look like former boyfriend entertainment photojournalist Larry Birkhead. Birkhead himself had died in an automobile accident four months before.

A delighted Birkhead at the paternity hearing.

The reason why Birkhead passed the paternity test for baby Dannielynn was because he was actually Anna Nicole herself. The real father of the baby being Stern.

Brown added that this conspiracy goes all the way to the Kennedys and the only chance of himself staying safe is by revealing the truth. No doubt Ted Kennedy will deny all knowledge and leave this story of love and betrayal out of his up and coming memoirs which only proves the validity of the claims.

Security Firm Branded As Reckless

The private security firm "Excelsior" has lost its contract with the Iraqi government when it shot dead 13 Iraqi civilians whom they claimed "looked like insurgents." Mike King the founder of Excelsior said, " I have every confidence in my men and their ability to handle any situation they face and to be honest they did look like insurgents, c'mon people they all look the same am I right or am I right ?"

Excelsior was involved in a protection for donuts racket in 2005 in which they were accused of "shooting first and eating donuts later."

Miami Crime Rate At All Time High, African Dust To Blame

Doctor Robert Ekbert of the Miami institute for study and research has made a startling discovery as to why the crime rate in Florida has escalated more than 60% in the last five years.

The beautiful reddish hue in the Florida sky at dusk is caused by light reflected off dust blown in from the Sahara desert.

Dr Ekbert claims that this dust carries the bacteria from millions tiny desiccated creatures from the dried up lakes of the south Saharan region.

"The dust" says Dr Ekbert "gets breathed in and infects our respiratory carotid sinus reflexes and into our cerebral cortex effecting our reasoning and judgement, those who spend more time outside will have greater exposure."

The CDC have issued a statement saying they have not seen any evidence to prove or disprove the hike in criminal activities but suggest you limit your time outside and wear a face mask.

A spokesperson for the Florida police department said," While the crime rate in Florida is at an all time high I must point out that you have more chance of getting knocked down and killed while crossing the street than getting car-jacked and gang-raped and stabbed 14 times in the face ."

Besides the dust, the sizable Jewish community and the gang-rape Florida is still in the top five US tourist attractions.

Data Loss Regrettable But Ok

In The UK 25 million people's personal details including names, addresses, dates of birth, child benefit numbers, national insurance numbers and bank or building society account numbers were lost when a junior official sent the two CDs from Newcastle upon-tyne to London via normal mail.

Top officials waited a couple of days in the hope that it would turn up before they informed the police.

The government has stated that there is no need to panic as they lose important data all the time and the odds of it falling into the hands of a psychopath or criminal is very slim.

Except for the time when the military nuke codes were found in the back of a taxi by a Russian spy, that was just a massive coincidence.

End Of The World Cult Stand Off

Pyotr Kuznetsov leader of the Russian cult The True Russian Orthodox Church.

A Russian cult that calls itself "True Russian Orthodox Church" have sealed themselves up in a cave 400 miles south-east of Moscow and are threatening to blow it up if the police interfere.

They believe the world is going to end next May.
The 30 cult members including 4 children have enough food and supplies to last the winter .

They claim to have found hidden messages in the Steven Spielberg movie "War of the worlds" and take it as a prophesy and not a work of fiction by H.G.Wells.

Steven Spielberg has declined an offer from the group to join them but the movie's star, Tom Cruise arrived in Moscow after his invite but was detained by Russian police.

The group was founded by a former engineer, Pyotr Kuznetsov who had fallen out with the Russian Orthodox Church when he found some of their teachings a little too orthodox. He ordered his group into the cave but wasn't stupid enough to go in himself.

He is now in custody and is undergoing psychiatric examinations as should anyone who has voluntarily watched the War of the world movie more than once.

Breakthrough In The Madeleine McCann Case

Since the photofit of a man appearing to carry a small child has been released in connection with the Madeleine McCann abduction, calls to the vigilant and most competent Portuguese police have flooded in from all over the world .
Portuguese detectives are to fly out next week to interview 422 Pakistani police officers as to their whereabouts on the 3rd May 2007.

Detective Almeida of the Madeleine McCann task force said: " we feel we are close to blaming this tragedy on someone, if not then we'll just go back to blaming the parents."

Like The running of the bulls in Pamplona, the Pakistani police have The running with long sticks.

Celebrity Brutally Slain By Lemurs

Dave Kerbin host of Discovery channels "World of deadly creatures" has died at the claws of the animal he was filming in South east Asia.
Colugos are known colloquially as flying lemurs though they glide rather fly and are our closet relative after apes and monkeys.

There has been talk for years about the Colugos snatching babies and young children from nearby villages and feeding on them high in the trees and Kerbin wanted to debunk that.

Sam Willard, Kerbin's cameraman said: "Dave just got too close to the troop and before we new it four of them were beating on him and dragged him kicking and screaming up their tree it was terrible."


" He screamed for about a minute before they finished him off I was able to get the whole thing on film, we'll really miss dave but most of all the animals will, they have lost a champion today."

Doctor Harry Chapman an expert in Lemurs and Colugos said: " In my paper 'man against beast' I had stated that Lemurs were the second most vicious creature in the animal kingdom, second only to Pandas especially The great white Panda, and they were the most underestimated. I was not consulted for the making of this program, if I was perhaps Kerbin would still be alive today."

Dave Kerbin leaves behind 3 cats and a small goat farm.

President Musharraf Sheds His Military Skin

President Gen. Pervez Musharraf the heavy handed western backed dictator of Pakistan has bowed to international pressure to take off his military uniform as many world leaders say you can't control the army and the country, it just doesn't look good.
General Musharraf took his uniform off and wore instead some old thing he had lying around, he is reported to have said that though he looked fabulous he felt naked and thought the soldiers were raping him with their eyes also without his medals and just didn't feel important enough. The uniform is back on.

Former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto commented:" Maybe its not me who should be under house arrest."

Prince Harry Under Suspicion Again

Prince Harry who was recently questioned about the deaths of two endangered hawks found at Sandringham estate has now been questioned by police and security from the British Museum.
Prince Harry and two friends were given permission for a private tour, after the company had left it had been found that there was some damage done to the Elgin marbles.
Prince Harry and his party deny all knowledge and have been released pending an investigation and a review of the museum security tapes.

John Clancy head of museum security said in a statement, " someone has definitely been interfering with the marbles, they were all over the place like some kind of sick game."

The Elgin marbles, named after the Earl of Elgin who purchased them for the British government from the Greek government for some beads and a mirror in 1801 .

The marbles decorated the Acropolis in Athens until Lord Elgin took a fancy to them. It was strongly debated at the time and still is whether or not they should be given back to Greece to be broken up and used to build other things as the Greeks and Turks have done for years or to be caught up and damaged in military campaigns.

In a seance earlier today Thomas Bruce 7th Earl of Elgin commented, " they never loved those marbles as I did " also " Don't trust the bird killing ginger nut," then a Lynn came through but no one at the seance knew her.

Beckham Recalled

The manufacturers say they used too much hair products

After all the toy recalls we've just had from China David Beckham the midfielder for LA Galaxy has been recalled to the England squad. They claim its for the Euro 2008 qualifying match against Croatia. The real reason for the recall is that David Beckham is a little bit too much of a metro sexual even for LA .

The England World Cup Committee warn against letting young children play with him and warn the public to not put him in your mouth.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Jet Fighter

The Pentagon have revealed a new weapon in the arsenal against potential threats today. A jet fighter that disguises itself as a cloud in order to surprise the enemy.
Brigadier General Charles Schmidt in a press conference today said , " We now have the capability to surprise and mystify insurgents on the ground, we are now even closer to winning this war of terror." He went on to say " It is hoped that in the near future these jet fighters can be controlled by pilots wearing virtual reality helmets or using control pads from the comfort of their own homes so its only the enemy combatants and civilians that are now in any danger, making war one step safer for Americans."

The Canadian government could not be reached for comment.

Man Caught In Web Of Justice

An Australian man claimed a toxic spider bite compelled him to rape a woman has been jailed after a judge rejected his defence. The rape occurred in 1997 and he was arrested for it in 2005.

Known as "The Peter Parker defence" Philip Ronald Spiers said he felt his spidy sense tingling and it could only be sated by abducting a woman in a car park and raping her for four hours. Spiers aged 41, blamed it all on a bite from a funnel-web spider bite 12 days before the rape.

Spiderman creator Stan Lee was called upon as a spider bite expert said "it was completely against the moral character of Peter Parker unless it was an evil minion belonging to the mind control mutant Mysterol, then Parker would have an internal struggle of enormous proportions."

When asked if Mysterol ever operated on the Australian continent Lee smirked and said, "no one bothers with the Australian continent ."

After receiving a dose of anti-venom he began suffering from headaches and sensitivity to light and was later diagnosed with possible viral meningitis .

A toxicologist told the District Court of New South Wales there was no medical evidence to suggest a spider bite could make someone commit crime.

Spiers was jailed for eight years .

Loch Ness Monster's Cousin Found

The Loch Ness monster was first seen in 565 AD by Saint Columba who drank a lot.

A creature that was washed up on the island of Orkney in 1808 is said to be "strikingly similar" to descriptions of the Loch Ness monster.

Geneticist Dr Yvonne Gibson has researched the "Stronsay Beast" and says "its a long necked beasty just like old Nessie."
Washed up almost 200 years ago the carcass is missing its head and flipper as they were sent down to London in the 19th century and destroyed in the Blitz.

Dr Gibson, who has a degree in evolutionary, environmental and biomedical genetics from the University of St Andrews and a PhD in the field of DNA damage repair from Edinburgh's pathology department, is convinced this animal is a prehistoric survivor from the last Ice Age and is convinced that by splicing DNA from modern day Basking sharks she can re-create them in the lab.

"I know this sounds all very science fiction" said Doctor Gibson at the Highlands Science Festival , "but the technology is that advanced for us to be able to do it."

Loch Ness expert Adrian Shiner said, " I want to see Nessie as much as the next man but to play god like this is sheer madness.
Doctor Gibson may be a very attractive woman with fine pert breasts but she is totally insane."

Old Knudsen commented earlier, " yes they are quite pert."