Thursday, January 1, 2009
News Stories Of 2008
Eighteen-year-old Florida man Michael Alfinez was jailed for shooting a homemade rap video in which he coaxed his senile grandmother into holding a gun and threatening to "shoot all pigs."
According to detectives, 85-year-old Marie Huertes said she felt "ashamed" while viewing the video and that "they are making a criminal out of me because I like pigs." The rest of the Alfinez family chalked it up to the proverbial "misunderstanding" OBB News wonders what they will say when the porno comes out.
Meet The Grunts
A British court banned 32-year-old Adam Hinton from visiting the apartment of a 28-year-old girlfriend after neighbours complained about their noisy lovemaking sessions.
One woman told the court her young daughter was so traumatized by the sounds of intense pleasure that the toddler began suffering nightmares and wetting the bed. "These were sounds she had never heard before, it was like people having orgasms while playing basket ball," she added.
Aren't Teachers Supposed To Be Intelligent?
An English schoolteacher alleged in court that a Syrian airline pilot tricked her into having sex with him by claiming the best way to apply a certain gynecological ointment into her vagina was via the tip of his penis.
According to her lawyer, this happened more then once, and the man "thrust slowly or quickly" during specific sessions depending on "doctor's advice."
OBB News is glad the woman didn't have a sore throat too and wants her phone number as this reporter is trained in boob jobs.
Just A Little Off The Top Please
Phillip Seaton, aged 61 from Kentucky went in for a routine circumcision and his Dr ended up removing the whole penis. Seaton is suing Dr. John Patterson who claimed he spotted cancer and made an emergency decision that couldn't wait until he woke up a few hours later.
There was cancer but it wasn't serious. Seaton was awarded $2.3 million in damages and a sympathetic head shake from the judge.
Let this be a lesson about cutting bits off penis' just for the sake of it.
Tea? Coffee? Or Just A Little Cream?
A woman has filed a $200,000 lawsuit alleging an American Airlines crew allowed another passenger to go all "There's Something About Mary" up in her hair.
She had fallen asleep and awoke to find the stranger finishing off on her sexy hair do.
The reason she is suing the airline and not the man is because it didn't look like he had much.
He'd just get off anyway.
Dumb And Dumber
A 19-year-old British man has officially changed his name to Captain Fantastic Faster than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk and the Flash Combined! He says it was better than his real name Smelly Tinkerbottom. Also a young man from Virgina has changed his name to Kentucky Fried Cruelty.com.
OBB News would insist on instant sterilisation for these two but what is the point as they are destined to die virgins.
Speaking Of Virgins
Tanya Devereaux, last year by ran for a seat on the Belgian senate on a platform of giving voters oral sex, is now offering to de-flower any virgin who supports net neutrality. Devereaux insists condoms must be worn, and the act can't last more than 30 minutes .
Ms Devereaux has this reporter's vote and word that he is a virgin. What Ms Devereaux will do for the other 29 minutes is up to her.
JC The Next JFK?
Police arrested an 18-year-old South Carolina high school senior for threatening to blow up his school. Ryan Schallenberger told authorities he wanted to die, go to heaven, and kill Jesus.
OBB News suspects that God might see through that plan.
Is Anyone Sitting Here?
Xing a 41 year-old Hong Kong man attempted to rape a steel park bench and managed to get his swollen Yang so stuck that the paramedics had to load the entire bench into the ambulance with him.
It took surgeons four hours to pry the man from the seating, and doctors stated that if it had taken much longer he would have lost his penis.
The bench refused to press charges.
Certainly No Picnic
Don't forget Art Price, Jr, 40, from Ohio who was charged with four counts of public indecency after a neighbour videotaped him getting all freaky with the umbrella hole in the middle of his plastic picnic table.
What is it with sexy outdoor furniture anyway?
Japanese women have started to wear contact lenses with an extra wide tint that makes the iris appear bigger just like the characters in anime comics . OBB News hopes the annoying dubbed voices don't become a trend too.
A Sucker Born Every Minute
Janella Spears, a nursing administrator and CPR teacher sent $400,000 dollars over the course of two years to con artists in a "Nigerian Scam" involving "official-looking documents and certificates from the Bank of Nigeria and the United Nations. President Bush and FBI Director Robert Mueller."
A fool and their money are easily parted. If you wish to help Ms Spears recoup her losses send $5.000 to OBB News and within 3 months you'll receive triple that amount as I have a friend who has a large cash stash in a Zimbabwean bank but needs your help to get it out.
Demons Can't Swim
A deceased beast washed up on a beach in Montauk, N.Y. it looks a bit like a dog with the sharp beak of an eagle.
Scientists at the Manhattan Zoology department tested the creature and found it to be the spawn of Satan and a sign of the up and coming apocalypse.
Go to Dell Thief
When Gabriel Saucedo broke into ASU Law student Alex Botsios's apartment wielding a bat the student let him take what he wanted until he went for the laptop. Alex wrestled Saucedo to the ground and beat the living objections out of his face, so much so that police had to take him to the hospital for stitches before they could properly book him.
Never come between a man and his Internet porn.
These are some of the stories from 2008 how was your year? A happy new year to you all for 2009 and don't end up on this News blog.