Monday, December 3, 2007

Canoeist Back From The Dead

John Darwin's smashed red canoe was found washed up on a beach near Hartlepool in March 2002, rescue teams presumed him to have drowned.

His wife a doctor's receptionist spoke of her agony:

"People die, have a funeral, they have a headstone, there is something to mark the fact they existed on this Earth," she said.

"But without a body, I don't know how we can mark John's life."

"All I want is to bury his body. It would enable me to move on.
It's difficult to grieve without bringing things to a close, but as it is I'm in limbo and there's nothing I can do."

The married father-of-two walked into the West End Central Police Station at 5.30pm last night. It is not known at this time where he has spent the last five and a half years as Darwin claims to have no memory of it.
Mr Darwin the ex prison guard did look pale and on several occasions did try to eat the brains of police officers as he needed a light snack.

Doctor Harriet Wilson a leading Ambulovivinecrologist said, "In the past it was not uncommon for sea witches to take pity on poor drowned sailors and return them in a zombie like state years later to their loved ones.
Mr Darwin no doubt has great tales to tell of an undersea kingdom just off the Hartlepool coast."

Relatives have been informed of Mr Darwin's reappearance and are lining up to kick him in the bollocks.

Breaking news update

The joy of having John Darwin aged 57 alive has quickly worn off as police arrested him on suspicion of fraud. There has been a picture circulating of Mr and Mrs Darwin buying an apartment in Panama in 2006, and that is where Mrs Darwin is right now. Dr Wilson still stands by her zombie theory as even zombies are capable of life insurance fraud.

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