Tuesday, February 12, 2008

A Sasquatch Of Colour

The Journal of Mormon History recently published a new investigation into stories suggesting that the Sasquatch or Bigfoot monster is really Cain, the second son of Adam and Eve who murdered his brother Abel.

The article's author, Matthew Bowman cites a 1919 manuscript describing Hawaiian missionary E. Wesley Smith "being attacked by a huge, hairy creature similar in appearance to Rosie O'Donnell whom Smith drives off in the name of Christ" the night before the mission was dedicated.

His brother being an expert in whacky stuff tells him the attacker must've been Cain. And then he refers him to a story by a celebrated Mormon martyr who was one of Joseph Smith's original twelve apostles.

In 1835, as evening fell, missionary David W. Patten had spotted a figure walking near his mule in Tennessee. His tall, dark body was covered with hair, he wore no clothing, and......he replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro.

He said he was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the earth, but that he could not die, and his mission was to destroy the souls of men.

I rebuked him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by virtue of the Holy Priesthood, and commanded him to go hence, and he immediately departed out of my sight.

Not very understanding to the stranger reaching out for help, all he wanted was some spare change.

The connection to Bigfoot happens around 1980 in Davis County, Utah. First there is the publication of The Miracle of Forgiveness, which reprinted the original Patten story and also a rash of Bigfoot sightings.

The stories began to merge and gain an urban legend status particularly on Utah's college campuses and as we know students will believe anything especially if their grades are depended on it.

The book of Genesis does specify that God issued the mark of Cain, "that whosoever found him should not kill him." But did it give him immortality and a pelt like Robin Williams ?

Brigham Young believed that God punished Cain's ancestors, and that "the mark of Cain" was black skin, large penis' and natural rhythm . It is a well known historical fact that Young was jealous of the dancing abilities of coloured folk .

DeShawn Jackson From the Freeman Underground Movement said: " This ties in to the whole Planet of the apes spear chucker conspiracy invented by whitey to keep the black man down. If Sasquatch is a brother then I welcome him to join us to bust a few caps into Brigham Young's ass, him and his 52 wives."

If you meet up with a Sasquatch intent on destroying the souls of men it is advised that you scream and shout making yourself seem as big as possible, then run in a serpentine fashion. If you are unable to run then curl up in a ball and play dead and wait for imminent death. Women have nothing to fear from Cain as he likes the ladies.


The Troll said...

Cain was the first-born, actually.

Eve said...

I don't recall seeing you there.