Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Scientists Experiment With Lemurs

British scientists are experimenting with Lemurs to determine the effects of head wounds on infantry soldiers.

The Lemurs are strapped to tables, with their heads in a vise, then they are shot with an assault rifle.

The effects are immediately noticeable.

Without their heads, the Lemurs become dis- oriented and lethargic, they have trouble breathing, and no longer function fully as Lemurs.

The scientists speculate that head-wounded soldiers experience similar discomfort.

The Lemurs are kept in cages for 36 hours for observation.

They lose their appetites and often become depressed,which are symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome .

It is hoped that this kind of testing will advance the development of better headgear for troops on the front lines.

Animal rights groups have denounced the testing as "Barbaric" and say they shall campaign for its end.

Brigadier General Underhill commented: " The Lemurs would do worse to our troops given half the chance, no hippy tree hugger will tell the British army what to do, we'll whip the blighters. "

Due to Global warming Lemur evolution has advanced rapidly in the past 30 years. They have doubled in size and are said to have twice the intelligence of a very smart Dolphin or law student.
The most disturbing aspect of lemur growth has been their taste for human blood which has resulted in 48 deaths in Madagascar from 2006 to 2007 though numbers are thought to be higher.

Scientists employed by Hitler experimented by injecting Lemur genes into unborn babies. Rumours of a Human/Lemur hybrid colony in South America still surface now and again.


frog ponds rock... said...

Well that is too fucking awful.. but what is even worse.. is the fact that I am not surprised...


A. Lemur said...

We will mate with you human women and never call you afterwards.


No, never mind the Barbarism, but I think the experiment is waisted on the Lemur because as everyone well knows, there is no head thicker than that of the British soldier who joins up to fight mostly (since the 2nd. world war)stupid wars, always with less men than needed, less + faulty equipment, and all that with bad army housing to come back to.
I'll get back to you when they pull out of Afghanistan, like the Russians had to, or they'll do a deal with the taliban, like they did with the Irish Republican Army, as long as it looks like they didn't run like they did in the American War of Independence.
PS: The money to spend in the future (and never mind the future, but right now is zilch= all down hill from now.
Like I said- NYT today: "Already, once-proud institutions like Merrill Lynch, Citigroup and UBS have gone hat in hand to Middle Eastern and Asian investors to raise capital"
Did I ever tell you my niece is married to a wealthy banker in Dublin one of their many homes- Bono is a neighbour. He's making a fortune in the hedge these days buying up all at a real good price; between the money the banks ripped off from the young house buyers with their inflated prices, and giving same the credit to furnish, and spend like there was no tomorrow, and now after the bang, governments paying tax payers money to shore it all up, sure man, he and a lot more like him are laughin'.
No, in case you're wondering- nepotism never ran in my family, but you do get to hear and see how it works.

Zoe said...

as a lemur loving tree hugging hippie i am to saddened to comment further.

Tommy Gunn said...

I don't see what all the fuss is about. Arabs, Irish or Afghans cannot shoot straight enough to hit a soldier's head that's why they go boom . Now a bloody lemur will go for your throat, we need neck protectors.

filmore said...

I'm making hats out of old plastic bottles we need to make love and hats not war.