Monkey Business Turns Nasty

Brave unemployed youths will be paid to sterilize wild monkeys in India with lasers after a series of attacks on humans.

Last year the 52 year-old deputy mayor of New Delhi SS Bajwa was killed when he fell from his balcony during an attack by wild monkeys. 25 others were wounded when a monkey went on a rampage in the city, crime and rape has increased by 43%.

Tens of thousands of aggressive Rhesus macaques hang around on street corners shouting abuse and causing chaos across the country.

Devout Hindus believe the monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god Hanuman and feed them with bananas and peanuts, which encourages them to flourish. They have also been stealing food from farms and snatching purses in busy streets, mostly singling out tourists.

local youths (on a youth training program) would be provided with the training to capture and (laser) sterilize the monkeys .

As expected the proposal has drawn immediate condemnation from environmentalists.

Sujoy Chaudhuri, an ecologist, said: "This is totally insane, it requires a huge amount of expertise to wield those machines. It is a ridiculous idea and what is worse, it will do nothing to contain the problem and probably make it worse.

Can you imagine what having badly-sterilized monkeys running around will do to the levels of aggression?"

Old Knudsen a Monkey and Primate expert said: These monkeys have the intelligence of the average blogger and the aggressiveness of a US Marine, put these two together and you have mindless violence. If some teenager with a freakin laser on his head came at me with the view to zapping my parts I would go Ape-s**t," he added, " If you are ever attacked by a monkey show dominance and try to mount it, you never know you might make a friend for life."

Chief minister Prem Kumar Dhumal said ,"Officials would go to war on these vicious animals, we must fight fire with fire and the only ones who can understand monkeys and their ways are young people, besides it will lower unemployment figures down and keep the youths off the streets. "