Tom Cruise The Unauthorised Truth!

Andrew Morton's unauthorised biography of Tom Cruise has been blasted as a sensationalist pack of lies, boring and poorly researched. The characters seem wooden and unrealistic and quite frankly who would believe that a movie star would bounce up and down on a couch proclaiming his love to a wide-eyed little girl on national television?

The biographer of Princess Diana claims that Cruise is consulted by Scientology leader David Miscavige on every aspect of his life and is tailoring his career to fit the aims of Scientology.

OBB News which is a paragon of truth has nothing to fear from lawsuits seeking millions in compensation as all its money was lost on Black Thursday back in 1929 or was it Bloody Sunday? well good luck in finding it. I respect the reader too much to make up any old rubbish and merely present the facts.

Cruise was recruited into Scientology in 1986 by his first wife Mimi Rogers, the daughter of singing cowboy 'Roy' and a Scientologist who gave him some literature on the subject and withheld the gay porn until he came to his senses.

Their marriage broke up when Mimi came home one day and found him in bed with a look 'a' like sex doll of L Ron Hubbard a sc-fi writer and the Founder of the Church of Scientology.

When he met Nicole Kidman he insisted on her having a fertility test before they married as not having a child had put a strain on his marriage to Rogers. It was actually Tom who was infertile due to a case of Measles he had as a child but the test distracted from that as it would hurt his leading man image.

Mimi Rogers got pregnant in her next relationship.

Kidman did not fit in with the Scientology crowd and after 10 years, Scientology leader David Miscavige decided to call it quits. Nicole stayed quiet about the money grabbing pseudo religion for the sake of their adopted children and only made one snide remark about being able to wear heels now as she is 5 foot 10 inches tall and Tom stands at 5 foot 4 inches in his heels.

Kidman is now pregnant by junkie singer Keith Urban.

Tom dated actresses Penelope Cruz and Sofia Vergara with the hope of cracking the Latino market for Scientology but these relationships didn't last.

Rumours about Tom being homosexual have been circulating for years and not having a sense of humour or being too bright and seeing being called gay an insult he was always quick to sue which only resulted in the stories getting bigger.

A main rumour was that the wife of Rob Thomas the lead singer of US pop group Matchbox 20 caught Rob and Tom in bed along with Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North who had no recollection of that.

Getting increasing less popular due to telling Brooke Shields she was weak for taking antidepressants after the birth of her child and all she needed was a good diet and to do some jumping jacks and in a bid to quell these gay rumours Cruise interviewed for a wife/submissive eye candy.

Katie Holmes an unremarkable looking actress was his third choice after Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan. She was given a 5-year contract worth only $8 million but with great benefits and healthcare.

The phenomenon known as Tom-Kat was created. Holmes more and more became distanced from her family and even fired her long time agent to join up with Tom's agency.

She was given a Scientology handler and developed a glassy gaze to her eyes and a fixed smile.

Soon with frozen sperm from the late L.Ron Hubbard himself Katie gave birth to a little girl named Suri which means " World Dominator" in Hebrew.

Tom is an ordained minister and spokesperson for the Church, sometimes called the "Number two" David Miscavige being the "number one." After 20 years service, he has progressed to the level of an OT6 (Operating Thetan 6), which is an extremely high and secretive top level with super secret knowledge of the alien story called "The incident."

The highest members all meet at the "desert lair" compound , a 500-acre resort in Hemet, 90 miles from Los Angeles, nicknamed "Gold Base". Miscavige lives there with Scientology's most devoted followers called Sea Organisation or Sea Org.

They all get super secret decoder rings with access to the L. Ron Hubbard Bone Room, where high ranking devotees gather to practice secret handshakes and drink bunny blood and watch old Travolta movies and discuss what the to do about Kirstie Alley. They also pay homeless men for the opportunity to hunt them down as man is the greatest prey of them all.

The base is surrounded by security cameras and guards with high-powered rifles fitted with telescopic sights to watch for intruders. Even the ATF are afraid to go near it.

At the moment Tom is trying to recruit David and Victoria Beckham into Scientology, its said that Posh Spice came home one day and found Tom and David in bed together which is nothing out of the ordinary she just thinks its hot and likes to remember about it.

Tom is attempting to make a come back after Paramount didn't renew his contract due to all the negative press he was generating.

He is to play a German officer involved in a plot to kill Hitler in the movie " Valkyrie" There had been a plan to introduce Scientology to Germany but Germany vehemently resisted, if only they had been that tough with Hitler in the first place.

Little known facts about Tom Cruise:

He sees the letter "R" backwards.
He cannot say "Chrysanthemum."
He wants to clone himself for sex but he'd make the clone taller.
He can smell colours.
He once thought about becoming a priest.
He is as heterosexual as John Travolta .
He really likes children.